"Why I'm a Giant Foxtaur"

[Virmir]

Why I'm a Giant Foxtaur
- Virmir

(With sincerest apologies to all the henceforth mentioned... )

----

PART 1


Kenku wanted to close up shop early that day.

The weather was beautiful, and while that generally meant more customers, he wanted to take advantage of one of the final nice bouts of warmth before Fall truly set in.  Business had been good anyway, so it wasn't like he was wanting for money.  One of the benefits of being your own boss, he mused to himself.

He eyed the last customer in the shop with suspicion, though.  Perhaps it was the overly-obvious trench coat and fedora.  Perhaps it was the toon muzzle sticking out under the hat's ridge.  Perhaps it was because the fellow was so short and therefore was almost entirely coat and hat.

"Can I help you?" he asked professionally as he wiped the counter again.  It was important to make sure no stray drops remained on the surface, as he wanted to avoid the incident of a customer's elbow-fur randomly sprouting feathers again.

The toon-muzzle poked out of the hat a bit more, whiskers twitching nervously.

Kenku's suspicions won out, and he reached over the countertop and tipped the hat upward. Out spronged two and a half gray strands of antennae-hair, masking two toony eyes, wide in surprise. "It's YOU again..."

The toon pulled a white-furred hand up, and waved four fingers. "Uh... hi..."

"Listen," Kenku leaned over and gave the gray fox a hard stare, "we don't carry that stuff any more, ya hear?  No you best be taking your business elsewhere.  Understand?"

----

'Strange and exotic drinks, served with a smile', my fuzzy tail!  I sneered at the sign on the way out. So what!  I turn into a giant foxtaur and destroy the blasted city one blasted time, and now I'm banned for life! ARGHH!!!

I threw the blasted hat and coat into the trash bin by the sidewalk. Thanks a lot, Ninja Turtles.

A fair distance away from the shop, and after walking off a bit of my irritation, I found a nice curb to sit down and glower.  A car drove by and I twitched.  I just wasn't fair!  The blasted cars everywhere... someone had to do something!

"Chief, I'm worried about you..." Tvorsk sat down next to me.  "This giant taur thing... it's just... it's just not natural..."

Tvorsk was a fellow fox, and also did not wear pants.  So I trusted him more than most.  "But the cars, Tvorsk..." I turned and looked him in the eye, and he shrunk back. "The cars..."

"Your hands are shaking..."

I stood and he leaned away more.  We were eye-level since he still sat, so  I grabbed his coat by the collar with both hands and pulled him eye-to eye. "Have you ever felt your problems *squish* between your four giant taur-paws?  Have you ever cackled as they ineffectually fled from your invincibly superior giant-taur-frame? Have you?!"

"Erm... no...?"

"I've tasted the power, Tvorsk!  I've tasted it!!"

"Listen... I erm, Googled this rehab center... perhaps you should check it out..." He slipped a card into my paws.

"Right..." I twitched a bit, then hopped off his chest (I had inadvertently pinned him flat against the ground during my ramblings.)

"As for the cars... well, can't you just blow them up with fireballs?  And what about the giant cartoon hammer?  I mean, you can handle this sort of thing on your own..."

I ran my hand through my antennae-hair and sighed, my shoulders drooping.  "You're right... I'm okay.  I don't need that junk."

I hugged him tightly, then sprinted into the middle of the busy intersection. "Everything is okay!" I triumphantly screamed as two globes of burning light formed in my palms.  "I'm totally in control!"

Cars honked and people yelled.  I let loose fiery death into an oncoming SUV, and the thing exploded with a satisfying plume of heat.  The burning driver flipped out a window, stopped, dropped, and rolled, but it was too late as after the flames went out as he was already charred completely black.  I gave him a poke and he crumbled to a pile of soot, except for his blinking toon-eyes. "Totally in control!"

I blew up a good dozen more cars, but my elation slowly faded.  It just wasn't the same... Sure, they were terrified and fleeing for their lives, but most of them where getting away.  I switched to the giant cartoon hammer and proceeded to completely flatten a few vehicles who were left abandoned by their drivers when police sirens assaulted my ears, and dozens of cops decked out in full riot gear surrounded me.

"Stop that right now!" A dog with a megaphone barked.  He was wearing a blue helmet with a star on it, and also had those cool reflective shades.

"No, no, no!" I turned and pointed at him scoldingly, dragging the hammer with the other hand. "I'm writing this blasted story, and not a single logical thing is going to happen in it!  Do you understand me?"

"Oh..."  There were some mumbles in the blue-clad crowd. "Sorry then!  Carry on!  Really sorry about that..."

I nodded as the police dispersed, and a few of those who had made it closer to me during the initial surrounding nodded back and gave their best "have a nice day!" wave.  I didn't destroy their cars because they were just doing their jobs, and that would be rude anyway.  I was just a simple misunderstanding.

When they were about dispersed, I caught a very familiar scent... my ears perked and my whiskers twitched as I placed it.  Returning the hammer to cape-space, I switched to feral form and bounded off as quickly as possible right past Tvorsk, who still sat at the curb with his eyes frozen as wide dishes and his jaw dropped to the floor.

----

Kenku ran his fingers over the flask as he walked home.  He had here the very last vial of Giant Taur Potion in existence.  He had destroyed the formula, lest it fall into the wrong hands.  Sure, he could recreate it from memory, but short of getting abducted by aliens with mind-reading powers, it was completely safe locked in his brain.

That of course left him the problem of disposing of this last bit of the vile stuff.  He sighed inwardly as he watched the bubbling purple potion glitter in the sunlight.  This was part of his recent experiments in "branching out". He had the species-switchers market under his paw, but some people had more... unusual tastes, and he was trying to cater to them as well.  This new development had gone horribly, horribly wrong...

He couldn't just dump it in the river, as giant-fish-taurs would be a bad thing... Couldn't burry it, as he did not want to risk a giant-mole-taur infestation...  Flushing it down the toilet was out of the picture.  He did NOT want to consider the potential side effects of that...

He watched the bubbles glitter some more, and began to wonder what it would feel like to be 10 stories tall, four giant paws upon the ground...  Giant gray foxtaurs were trendy, fashionable even,  and he certainly was an ideal candidate. He wasn't really into taurs much, but he did like to experiment with different species from time to time.  And it wasn't like this was...

NO!  He shouted to himself.  He knew the formula! If he got addicted, he would just make more, and that would defeat the purpose!  The Giant Taur Potion would take over the world!  He must destroy it! He must!!

Movement from the shadows.  He shifted his eyes and held the potion against his chest, perhaps regretting the choice of wearing his absurdly easy-to-spot green hat with the giant feather on his walk home from work.  A blur exploded from one tree that lined the sidewalk and disappeared into the foliage of another.  He tried to follow the movement, but it was too quick.  A toonish sweatdrop formed upon his brow...

"Give it to meeee~!"

A gray form burst from the tree behind him and slammed him in the back.  Both figures went sprawling, and the flask flew from his hands, tink-tinking on the sidewalk.  Both clenched their teeth and watched it roll with wide eyes.  It did not break, but landed at the feet of a white cat wearing kool-kitty shades.

"Awesome!" Geary snatched up the prize and uncorked it, sniffing at the bubbling liquid.  "I love potions!"

"Nooooo~!" both gray foxes yelled in unison.

"Geary!  Give that back!" Alias yelled as he tipped his hat, then promptly eye-lasered the white kitty.

"Yeeeowch!!!" Geary wailed as he threw the potion straight up into the air, where it was randomly caught by Jonas.

Jonas was quite dexterous with his paws, despite being feral-formed (it was all the typing), and promptly put the cork back on the flask as he read the label.  "Huh... I don't think the giant taur thing is for me..."

"Give it to MEEE~!"

"Mmmmph!!!"

He was promptly face-glomped by Virmir, still in feral form, and the two rolled around in a cloud of dust as the potion precariously leapt from paw-to-flailing-paw.

"Haaaaurr!!! That's so CUTE!!!" Both found themselves ripped out of the dust-cloud and squeeze-hugged by a blue toon dragon.  They squished together against his chest and eye-bulged toonishly as the potion flew through the air once more.

Dragyn caught it and pondered. "Hmmmm...."  However, his secret-elite combat training kicked in when a gray blur descended upon him from above, and he expertly tonfa-ed Virmir right through a department store window. "Oh... ooops..."  He looked around nervously.  "Well I don't want it." He tossed to Traxer, who happened to be standing nearby.

Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion...  What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid?  What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"

"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.

"Oh..." Geo wiggled his paw-fingers a bit, noting the open air between them.  He looked up to see Virmir standing in the middle of a circle of advancing CF-members, chugging the drink as quickly as possible. "Oh, fuzz-dusters."


To be continued...

[PrincessHotcakes]

*Grabs small flag of pure undiluted chaos and waves it around*

Tvorsk was a fellow fox, and also did not wear pants.  So I trusted him more than most.

I about crumpled into a degenerate laughing mass of flesh when I read that line.

About the only thing I can possibly add... would be a GIANT POKE TO WRITE MOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stormkit]

I have to say I very much appreciated several parts of this. While not as amused as Toast by the pants joke, I liked the following moments very much:

I hugged him tightly, then sprinted into the middle of the busy intersection. "Everything is okay!" I triumphantly screamed as two globes of burning light formed in my palms.  "I'm totally in control!"

Something about being 'completely in control' and 'everything being okay' in conjuction with a maniac on the loose.

"No, no, no!" I turned and pointed at him scoldingly, dragging the hammer with the other hand. "I'm writing this blasted story, and not a single logical thing is going to happen in it!  Do you understand me?"

Does anything even need to be said about this?

Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion...  What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid?  What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"

"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.

That is just so... typical of him. Makes me giggle everytime I see it. Did you get his help writing his speech? I'm also a bit curious as to whether Ronts and Geo are full sized and in existence or if they're like angel/devil things on his shoulder.

[Shifting Sands]

There is no single word to describe the very essence of how very amazing and awesome this story is.

I DEMAND MORE

Edit: Oops, I forgot to say please! SO PLEASE

[Dragyn]

Heh!  This was an unexpected surprise.

Dragyn caught it and pondered. "Hmmmm...."  However, his secret-elite combat training kicked in when a gray blur descended upon him from above, and he expertly tonfa-ed Virmir right through a department store window. "Oh... ooops..."  He looked around nervously.  "Well I don't want it." He tossed to Traxer, who happened to be standing nearby.

It's not all that super-secret.  Karate classes are just really useful.  And tonfa are awesome, but you clearly already acknowledge this. 

Looking forward to seeing where you take this...

[Jonas]

heehee! Such fun ^^

and yes, writing does help devlop dextrous paws =D

[Geo Holms]

I have to say that almost every paragraph got me to snickers in this because it managed such a nice, quirky, and above all silly tone that is utterly infectious. I shall have to read it another few times to catch all the subtle random details. I really just love these sorts of tales where conventions are thrown to the side and fun is to had.  

And on that note...

Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion...  What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid?  What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"

"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.

That is just so... typical of him. Makes me giggle everytime I see it. Did you get his help writing his speech? I'm also a bit curious as to whether Ronts and Geo are full sized and in existence or if they're like angel/devil things on his shoulder.

I can say off the bat I did not get asked about anything and he just picked up on a lot of my usual vocabulary with my perchance to wax philosophical at random moments. Which really does give me warm fuzzies to see it captured like so.  

So yus, Virmir, this is smashing and brilliant and I thought that before the Cameo Smackdown. Shall be fun to see where this heads.

[William Swiftfoot]

all I can say to this is XD

[Yllavyer]

Because I feel the need to contribute, I shall add the only comment I can think of at the moment:
WIN

[Fen]

...
hmmm. got some one ring stuff going on here. We could send it to Mt. Doom the nice wolf who won't abuse its power in any way, shape, or form, especially not involving food.

[Virmir]

PART 2

Growing a second set of limbs out of your hips was always disorientating.

Of course, trying to maintain balance while keeping my head thrown back and laughing manically was a challenge too (it was a perfectly chaotic neutral sort of laugh, and nooooot evil , mind you). The effect was entirely necessary though, as it was inappropriate to do anything else while rapidly growing. (Plus my body felt so tingly, I could not help but giggle.  He he he!)

I did have to shuffle a bit when I fell to all fours, and accidently squished Jonas flat.  Aleph of course found this irresistibly adorable and got squished as well when he tried to hug him.  But apart from balance adjustment, I felt perfectly in control once my head cleared eleven stories. 

I promptly demonstrated such control by fox-pouncing a speeding car, leaving a crater in my wake. "YIIIIIIPPP!!!" I declared triumphantly, causing the entire front facing set of windows of skyscrapers on either side of the street to shatter, spraying tiny shards of glass everywhere. "Totally in control!"  I gleefully danced down the street, crunching every motorized vehicle in my path with far more efficiency than I could ever manage before.

----

Pontos was working against the clock.  And he didn't have much time left, so he went straight to the most obvious source for help.

"What do you mean you don't know if you could take him?  You're a giant foxtaur too!"

Ty Vulpine touched the tips of his giant fingers together nervously, ears folded.  He had his giant taur half laying down in the grass in city's encircling park, and Pontos waved his arms around dramatically by his footpaw like a very annoyed ant.  It was no secret that Ty was a very mild mannered, polite giant fellow.

"Well, I just don't know.  I mean, look at him..."  He waved his paw at the form on the horizon that just appeared between two buildings, rearing in its hind legs.  "I mean, its Virmir.  I just don't know if I'd do any good..."

Pontos flailed some more, which was rather intimidating, given the black armor and the glaive and all. "Exactly! Pretty much anyone can take Virmir!" Except of course perhaps when he was a giant foxtaur, but that obvious bit was left unspoken. "And you're bigger, anyway." He had not measured the two side-by-side, but logic dictated that since Virmir was a short fox, he would be a short giant foxtaur, whereas Ty was probably a normal giant foxtaur.

"Yeah but... he has that giant black cape.  And what do I have?"  Ty tugged at his giant red shirt. "Just this giant red shirt. I mean, I don't think I match up..."

Pontos facepawed.  "Didn't you fight Godzilla once?"

"That was different.  I mean, Godzilla."  He hooked his fingers like claws and snarled.  "When Godzilla appears and you're giant, you have to fight him..."

"I see..."

"Look, I want to help you, but maybe we can think of a plan less... confrontational?"

Pontos rubbed his chin.

-----

"Giant Taur Attack '10" the news blared on the television.  It just wasn't the same since the year turned 2010, Niro the Fox thought as he finished his waffle.  "Something Terrible Oh-Eight", "Something Terrible Oh-Nine", etc., just sounded way more impressive than "Something Terrible Ten".  How did you pronounce the apostrophe, anyway?  Oh well.  You can't stop the march of time.

The ground shook as four giant white paws passed.

Niro stood as a brain-wave hit him.  He grabbed TheTai and pulled him up eye-level. "Listen!  I need your help."

Tai blinked. "What?"

"No time!"  He pulled his friend out of the Waffle House and dashed down the street.  "This could be our only chance!"

----

Chaos reigned in the city center until the quick-thinking Dessert T. Fox grabbed some loose stone and some sticks and made pickaxes.

"Listen!" he said, standing on top of a crushed car's frame (which, sadly, did not offer much of a height gain). "We need to dig under the city and find diamond!  Then we can use it to make weapons and armor and defend ourselves!"

Creator-Unreal and Alias thought this was a wonderful idea, and soon the three had a large hole in the middle of the street with perfectly square block-cut edges.  Fen Wolf soon abandoned his plan of making a giant sandwich as bait (there was no evidence suggesting the giant foxtaur would like a giant sandwich, and also he did not know what to do with the thing once baited) and joined in the dig along with the bat Antermosiph.  Eventually they found coal and light spilled forth from the giant cave.

Yllavyer was quite annoyed when they cut down her tree for building materials, but found another one further off to hide in. (It should be noted that this was a very effective hiding tactic, as the giant foxtaur was very careful not to step on any trees during his rampage.)

----

"So you too, huh?"  Pontos shook his head.

Jenia shook all five if its heads. "Yeah, sorry," the closest one said. "I've got the whole abomination thing down, but I don't do thy fly-around-shooting-death-blasts gig...  At least not against things way bigger than me."

Pontos nodded. It was a longer shot, he knew, but he knew of giant hydra-things that flew around cities and fought monsters from movies...  Unfortunately Jenia was a normal-sized hydra and not a giant hydra, so that idea sunk.

He pulled the fur of his wrist up and looked at his watch, clenching his teeth.  Not much time...

----

Tvorsk gave the door's lock a good SLAM with his hammer's pointed edge, and the thing flew right open.  He squinted as sunlight spilled in the stairwell.

"Nice," Stormkit commented.  The two exited and found themselves on the building's roof.  It wasn't the tallest around, but it was over Virmir's head, and thus should work nicely.  He was coming this way too.

"Oh, hey!" Kit said as he leaned over the railing.  The city river nearly touched the north face of the building before it snaked onwards between the skyscrapers.  "I wonder if I jumped and hit the water, it would negate fall damage..."

"Kit!  Focus..." Tvorsk would surly be white-knuckled as he gripped his hammer, had they not been covered in dark brown fur.  His tail lashed in agitation.

"Right!"  He turned 90 degrees and ran to the corner to face the oncoming Virmir, who had not noticed them yet.  He grinned. "One snow storm coming up!"  Kit wiggled his fingers as a cloud formed above the city streets.  Bitter winds blew, and white fluff billowed upon Virmir's giant head.

Now in most cases, hitting Virmir with snow would completely immobilize him, in the very mildest of cases causing him to curl into a tiny ball of fluff and cry until he was bodily moved to a warmer location.  This of course depended on him being a rather small fox, which at this time he was not.  Hitting a giant foxtaur with a small centralized gust of cold would be akin to a flea biting a dog's neck.  But this is Virmir we are talking about, so to him it felt like a very painful hornet's sting.  And this of course made him Very Angry.

The giant foxtaur roared and headbutted the side of the building, giant antenna-hair slicing through the floors like butter, windows and office furniture spraying upon the streets.  The entire structure lurched, and Kit and Tvorsk flew right off.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah~!" Tvorsk screamed dramatically as he plummeted.  He had hoped to live a longer, happier life than this.  Regular Expressions and MySQL queries flashed before his eyes until with a THUMP he was caught by something cold and metallic and was jerked back into the air.

He struggled in the metal hand a bit before looking up and finding he was being carried through the air by a large robot with a black cape.

"Gotcha!"  Donnie's voice rang through the loud speaker (all piloted robots had a loudspeaker with which to project the pilot's voice.  It was protocol.)  The VirMech doubled its jet boosters and Got the Heck Out of There as quickly as possible as the giant foxtaur turned his attention to it and began to give chase.

"Uh... Donnie?" Tvorsk said in the direction of the mech's head, which was also the cockpit. "You didn't catch Kit..."

Inside the cockpit, Donnie made a face very much like O_o.

Tvorsk twisted around and saw Kit's lifeless body by the river's edge.  "I... missed the water..." Kit's disembodied voice rang through his head.

Tvorsk facepawed.  "Does anyone know Revive?"

----

Being dead was of course annoying because you couldn't do anything.  Kit had a very limited view of what was going on.  At least Virmir didn't step on him.

"I gotcha!"  A young bouncy voice rang out.  Medik Jackal loomed over his corpse wearing the widest of toon grins, his medic arm-sash glimmering in the light that filtered in-between the tall structures.

"Oh, hey there." Kit's disembodied voice replied. "What are... what are you doing?"

Medik held up his two defibrillator paddles, blue sparks leaping from one to the other like lightning on a Tesla coil.

----

Pontos' ears perked.  "What was that?"

"I don't know..." The floating piece of Radioactive Toast hummed for a moment in consideration. "It sounded like... it sounded like a cat getting electrocuted...."

Pontos rubbed his chin.

Toast continued. "Except the cat wasn't entirely sure he was a cat... More like a mixture of other things thrown into a blender, screaming in agony."

Pontos nodded.

"And then he said a G-rated swear word."

The G-rated swear word that was heard was completely innocent.  However it was said with such conviction that after this utterance, the committee of people who decided what-things-are-rated-what got together and decided to commit it to the selective Club of Real Swear Words, so therefore it will not be named in this story.

"Anyway..." Toast shook his head, which gave the impression that an invisible dog had grabbed the floating piece of toast and shook it around a bit. "I'm sorry, but radiation doesn't work like that."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, radiation never shrinks things.  Science, you see."

"But what about that one movie?"

Toast chucked.  "Just a movie, silly.  Hollywood is all glamour and effect."

"I see..."

"Radiation just makes things glow, and also randomly causes them to mutate.  Sometimes grow.  No shrinking, though."

"Huh."

"I can try using my Power, though."

"Oh?"

Toast floated to the middle of the street. "I can change into a random chimera of three nearby life forms.  If one of them is your giant foxtaur friend, I'll become his size, along with whatever other special powers I pick up from others.  Should be able to restrain him easily.

"Worth a shot."

Toast hummed and glowed.  And after a blinding flash, a purple fox-horse thing with a unicorn horn and pincer-claws for hands stood in his place.  "Oh... I seemed to have become a purple fox-unicorn-crab...  Also, I'm a girl. "  She spun, indicating the dress.  "Oh well. I feel like shopping now. Bye~!"  She blew Pontos a kiss and scampered off on cloven hooves.

Pontos stood motionless for a moment, mouth agape, eye twitching, until he finally snapped out of it and facepawed a little too hard.  He then sighed and looked at his watch.

It was 5AM on the other side of the world.  Time had run out.  His efforts to prevent disaster had failed.

Utter chaos was on the horizon...

[PrincessHotcakes]

I officially at this moment die laughing. XD!!

[Geary]

I officially at this moment die laughing. XD!!

But that would require that the floating piece of Toast was alive to begin with 

[KaiAdin]

Oh Gawd.. oks I finally caved and read this all... X3

This story makes no sense whatever! And its awesome X3

[Shifting Sands]

YES YES YES YES YES! Again, there is no proper way to sum this up... so again, I demand you write more! It is much too wonderful to be left at this! MUCH TOO GOOD! And the sooner it's continued, the better