Crimson Flag Comic Forums
Other Realms => Writer's Guild => Topic started by: Virmir on October 23, 2010, 12:57:05 PM
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Why I'm a Giant Foxtaur
- Virmir
(With sincerest apologies to all the henceforth mentioned... [;))
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PART 1
Kenku wanted to close up shop early that day.
The weather was beautiful, and while that generally meant more customers, he wanted to take advantage of one of the final nice bouts of warmth before Fall truly set in. Business had been good anyway, so it wasn't like he was wanting for money. One of the benefits of being your own boss, he mused to himself.
He eyed the last customer in the shop with suspicion, though. Perhaps it was the overly-obvious trench coat and fedora. Perhaps it was the toon muzzle sticking out under the hat's ridge. Perhaps it was because the fellow was so short and therefore was almost entirely coat and hat.
"Can I help you?" he asked professionally as he wiped the counter again. It was important to make sure no stray drops remained on the surface, as he wanted to avoid the incident of a customer's elbow-fur randomly sprouting feathers again.
The toon-muzzle poked out of the hat a bit more, whiskers twitching nervously.
Kenku's suspicions won out, and he reached over the countertop and tipped the hat upward. Out spronged two and a half gray strands of antennae-hair, masking two toony eyes, wide in surprise. "It's YOU again..."
The toon pulled a white-furred hand up, and waved four fingers. "Uh... hi..."
"Listen," Kenku leaned over and gave the gray fox a hard stare, "we don't carry that stuff any more, ya hear? No you best be taking your business elsewhere. Understand?"
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'Strange and exotic drinks, served with a smile', my fuzzy tail! I sneered at the sign on the way out. So what! I turn into a giant foxtaur and destroy the blasted city one blasted time, and now I'm banned for life! ARGHH!!!
I threw the blasted hat and coat into the trash bin by the sidewalk. Thanks a lot, Ninja Turtles.
A fair distance away from the shop, and after walking off a bit of my irritation, I found a nice curb to sit down and glower. A car drove by and I twitched. I just wasn't fair! The blasted cars everywhere... someone had to do something!
"Chief, I'm worried about you..." Tvorsk sat down next to me. "This giant taur thing... it's just... it's just not natural..."
Tvorsk was a fellow fox, and also did not wear pants. So I trusted him more than most. "But the cars, Tvorsk..." I turned and looked him in the eye, and he shrunk back. "The cars..."
"Your hands are shaking..."
I stood and he leaned away more. We were eye-level since he still sat, so I grabbed his coat by the collar with both hands and pulled him eye-to eye. "Have you ever felt your problems *squish* between your four giant taur-paws? Have you ever cackled as they ineffectually fled from your invincibly superior giant-taur-frame? Have you?!"
"Erm... no...?"
"I've tasted the power, Tvorsk! I've tasted it!!"
"Listen... I erm, Googled this rehab center... perhaps you should check it out..." He slipped a card into my paws.
"Right..." I twitched a bit, then hopped off his chest (I had inadvertently pinned him flat against the ground during my ramblings.)
"As for the cars... well, can't you just blow them up with fireballs? And what about the giant cartoon hammer? I mean, you can handle this sort of thing on your own..."
I ran my hand through my antennae-hair and sighed, my shoulders drooping. "You're right... I'm okay. I don't need that junk."
I hugged him tightly, then sprinted into the middle of the busy intersection. "Everything is okay!" I triumphantly screamed as two globes of burning light formed in my palms. "I'm totally in control!"
Cars honked and people yelled. I let loose fiery death into an oncoming SUV, and the thing exploded with a satisfying plume of heat. The burning driver flipped out a window, stopped, dropped, and rolled, but it was too late as after the flames went out as he was already charred completely black. I gave him a poke and he crumbled to a pile of soot, except for his blinking toon-eyes. "Totally in control!"
I blew up a good dozen more cars, but my elation slowly faded. It just wasn't the same... Sure, they were terrified and fleeing for their lives, but most of them where getting away. I switched to the giant cartoon hammer and proceeded to completely flatten a few vehicles who were left abandoned by their drivers when police sirens assaulted my ears, and dozens of cops decked out in full riot gear surrounded me.
"Stop that right now!" A dog with a megaphone barked. He was wearing a blue helmet with a star on it, and also had those cool reflective shades.
"No, no, no!" I turned and pointed at him scoldingly, dragging the hammer with the other hand. "I'm writing this blasted story, and not a single logical thing is going to happen in it! Do you understand me?"
"Oh..." There were some mumbles in the blue-clad crowd. "Sorry then! Carry on! Really sorry about that..."
I nodded as the police dispersed, and a few of those who had made it closer to me during the initial surrounding nodded back and gave their best "have a nice day!" wave. I didn't destroy their cars because they were just doing their jobs, and that would be rude anyway. I was just a simple misunderstanding.
When they were about dispersed, I caught a very familiar scent... my ears perked and my whiskers twitched as I placed it. Returning the hammer to cape-space, I switched to feral form and bounded off as quickly as possible right past Tvorsk, who still sat at the curb with his eyes frozen as wide dishes and his jaw dropped to the floor.
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Kenku ran his fingers over the flask as he walked home. He had here the very last vial of Giant Taur Potion in existence. He had destroyed the formula, lest it fall into the wrong hands. Sure, he could recreate it from memory, but short of getting abducted by aliens with mind-reading powers, it was completely safe locked in his brain.
That of course left him the problem of disposing of this last bit of the vile stuff. He sighed inwardly as he watched the bubbling purple potion glitter in the sunlight. This was part of his recent experiments in "branching out". He had the species-switchers market under his paw, but some people had more... unusual tastes, and he was trying to cater to them as well. This new development had gone horribly, horribly wrong...
He couldn't just dump it in the river, as giant-fish-taurs would be a bad thing... Couldn't burry it, as he did not want to risk a giant-mole-taur infestation... Flushing it down the toilet was out of the picture. He did NOT want to consider the potential side effects of that...
He watched the bubbles glitter some more, and began to wonder what it would feel like to be 10 stories tall, four giant paws upon the ground... Giant gray foxtaurs were trendy, fashionable even, and he certainly was an ideal candidate. He wasn't really into taurs much, but he did like to experiment with different species from time to time. And it wasn't like this was...
NO! He shouted to himself. He knew the formula! If he got addicted, he would just make more, and that would defeat the purpose! The Giant Taur Potion would take over the world! He must destroy it! He must!!
Movement from the shadows. He shifted his eyes and held the potion against his chest, perhaps regretting the choice of wearing his absurdly easy-to-spot green hat with the giant feather on his walk home from work. A blur exploded from one tree that lined the sidewalk and disappeared into the foliage of another. He tried to follow the movement, but it was too quick. A toonish sweatdrop formed upon his brow...
"Give it to meeee~!"
A gray form burst from the tree behind him and slammed him in the back. Both figures went sprawling, and the flask flew from his hands, tink-tinking on the sidewalk. Both clenched their teeth and watched it roll with wide eyes. It did not break, but landed at the feet of a white cat wearing kool-kitty shades.
"Awesome!" Geary snatched up the prize and uncorked it, sniffing at the bubbling liquid. "I love potions!"
"Nooooo~!" both gray foxes yelled in unison.
"Geary! Give that back!" Alias yelled as he tipped his hat, then promptly eye-lasered the white kitty.
"Yeeeowch!!!" Geary wailed as he threw the potion straight up into the air, where it was randomly caught by Jonas.
Jonas was quite dexterous with his paws, despite being feral-formed (it was all the typing), and promptly put the cork back on the flask as he read the label. "Huh... I don't think the giant taur thing is for me..."
"Give it to MEEE~!"
"Mmmmph!!!"
He was promptly face-glomped by Virmir, still in feral form, and the two rolled around in a cloud of dust as the potion precariously leapt from paw-to-flailing-paw.
"Haaaaurr!!! That's so CUTE!!!" Both found themselves ripped out of the dust-cloud and squeeze-hugged by a blue toon dragon. They squished together against his chest and eye-bulged toonishly as the potion flew through the air once more.
Dragyn caught it and pondered. "Hmmmm...." However, his secret-elite combat training kicked in when a gray blur descended upon him from above, and he expertly tonfa-ed Virmir right through a department store window. "Oh... ooops..." He looked around nervously. "Well I don't want it." He tossed to Traxer, who happened to be standing nearby.
Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion... What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid? What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"
"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.
"Oh..." Geo wiggled his paw-fingers a bit, noting the open air between them. He looked up to see Virmir standing in the middle of a circle of advancing CF-members, chugging the drink as quickly as possible. "Oh, fuzz-dusters."
To be continued...
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*Grabs small flag of pure undiluted chaos and waves it around*
Tvorsk was a fellow fox, and also did not wear pants. So I trusted him more than most.
I about crumpled into a degenerate laughing mass of flesh when I read that line.
About the only thing I can possibly add... would be a GIANT POKE TO WRITE MOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I have to say I very much appreciated several parts of this. While not as amused as Toast by the pants joke, I liked the following moments very much:
I hugged him tightly, then sprinted into the middle of the busy intersection. "Everything is okay!" I triumphantly screamed as two globes of burning light formed in my palms. "I'm totally in control!"
Something about being 'completely in control' and 'everything being okay' in conjuction with a maniac on the loose.
"No, no, no!" I turned and pointed at him scoldingly, dragging the hammer with the other hand. "I'm writing this blasted story, and not a single logical thing is going to happen in it! Do you understand me?"
Does anything even need to be said about this?
Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion... What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid? What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"
"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.
That is just so... typical of him. Makes me giggle everytime I see it. Did you get his help writing his speech? I'm also a bit curious as to whether Ronts and Geo are full sized and in existence or if they're like angel/devil things on his shoulder.
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There is no single word to describe the very essence of how very amazing and awesome this story is.
I DEMAND MORE
Edit: Oops, I forgot to say please! SO PLEASE
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Heh! This was an unexpected surprise.
Dragyn caught it and pondered. "Hmmmm...." However, his secret-elite combat training kicked in when a gray blur descended upon him from above, and he expertly tonfa-ed Virmir right through a department store window. "Oh... ooops..." He looked around nervously. "Well I don't want it." He tossed to Traxer, who happened to be standing nearby.
It's not all that super-secret. Karate classes are just really useful. And tonfa are awesome, but you clearly already acknowledge this.
Looking forward to seeing where you take this...
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heehee! Such fun ^^
and yes, writing does help devlop dextrous paws =D
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I have to say that almost every paragraph got me to snickers in this because it managed such a nice, quirky, and above all silly tone that is utterly infectious. I shall have to read it another few times to catch all the subtle random details. I really just love these sorts of tales where conventions are thrown to the side and fun is to had. ]:)
And on that note...
Traxer rolled the bubbling flask in his paws. "Ah, the Giant Taur Potion... What likkle adventures shall spring forth from drinking the shiny, shiny liquid? What grand stories and artwork doth it inspire, from whence our muses--"
"You know, he just took it from you," Ronts pointed out helpfully.
That is just so... typical of him. Makes me giggle everytime I see it. Did you get his help writing his speech? I'm also a bit curious as to whether Ronts and Geo are full sized and in existence or if they're like angel/devil things on his shoulder.
I can say off the bat I did not get asked about anything and he just picked up on a lot of my usual vocabulary with my perchance to wax philosophical at random moments. Which really does give me warm fuzzies to see it captured like so. ];)
So yus, Virmir, this is smashing and brilliant and I thought that before the Cameo Smackdown. Shall be fun to see where this heads.
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all I can say to this is XD
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Because I feel the need to contribute, I shall add the only comment I can think of at the moment:
WIN {:P
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hmmm. got some one ring stuff going on here. We could send it to Mt. Doom the nice wolf who won't abuse its power in any way, shape, or form, especially not involving food.
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PART 2
Growing a second set of limbs out of your hips was always disorientating.
Of course, trying to maintain balance while keeping my head thrown back and laughing manically was a challenge too (it was a perfectly chaotic neutral sort of laugh, and nooooot evil , mind you). The effect was entirely necessary though, as it was inappropriate to do anything else while rapidly growing. (Plus my body felt so tingly, I could not help but giggle. He he he!)
I did have to shuffle a bit when I fell to all fours, and accidently squished Jonas flat. Aleph of course found this irresistibly adorable and got squished as well when he tried to hug him. But apart from balance adjustment, I felt perfectly in control once my head cleared eleven stories.
I promptly demonstrated such control by fox-pouncing a speeding car, leaving a crater in my wake. "YIIIIIIPPP!!!" I declared triumphantly, causing the entire front facing set of windows of skyscrapers on either side of the street to shatter, spraying tiny shards of glass everywhere. "Totally in control!" I gleefully danced down the street, crunching every motorized vehicle in my path with far more efficiency than I could ever manage before.
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Pontos was working against the clock. And he didn't have much time left, so he went straight to the most obvious source for help.
"What do you mean you don't know if you could take him? You're a giant foxtaur too!"
Ty Vulpine touched the tips of his giant fingers together nervously, ears folded. He had his giant taur half laying down in the grass in city's encircling park, and Pontos waved his arms around dramatically by his footpaw like a very annoyed ant. It was no secret that Ty was a very mild mannered, polite giant fellow.
"Well, I just don't know. I mean, look at him..." He waved his paw at the form on the horizon that just appeared between two buildings, rearing in its hind legs. "I mean, its Virmir. I just don't know if I'd do any good..."
Pontos flailed some more, which was rather intimidating, given the black armor and the glaive and all. "Exactly! Pretty much anyone can take Virmir!" Except of course perhaps when he was a giant foxtaur, but that obvious bit was left unspoken. "And you're bigger, anyway." He had not measured the two side-by-side, but logic dictated that since Virmir was a short fox, he would be a short giant foxtaur, whereas Ty was probably a normal giant foxtaur.
"Yeah but... he has that giant black cape. And what do I have?" Ty tugged at his giant red shirt. "Just this giant red shirt. I mean, I don't think I match up..."
Pontos facepawed. "Didn't you fight Godzilla once?"
"That was different. I mean, Godzilla." He hooked his fingers like claws and snarled. "When Godzilla appears and you're giant, you have to fight him..."
"I see..."
"Look, I want to help you, but maybe we can think of a plan less... confrontational?"
Pontos rubbed his chin.
-----
"Giant Taur Attack '10" the news blared on the television. It just wasn't the same since the year turned 2010, Niro the Fox thought as he finished his waffle. "Something Terrible Oh-Eight", "Something Terrible Oh-Nine", etc., just sounded way more impressive than "Something Terrible Ten". How did you pronounce the apostrophe, anyway? Oh well. You can't stop the march of time.
The ground shook as four giant white paws passed.
Niro stood as a brain-wave hit him. He grabbed TheTai and pulled him up eye-level. "Listen! I need your help."
Tai blinked. "What?"
"No time!" He pulled his friend out of the Waffle House and dashed down the street. "This could be our only chance!"
----
Chaos reigned in the city center until the quick-thinking Dessert T. Fox grabbed some loose stone and some sticks and made pickaxes.
"Listen!" he said, standing on top of a crushed car's frame (which, sadly, did not offer much of a height gain). "We need to dig under the city and find diamond! Then we can use it to make weapons and armor and defend ourselves!"
Creator-Unreal and Alias thought this was a wonderful idea, and soon the three had a large hole in the middle of the street with perfectly square block-cut edges. Fen Wolf soon abandoned his plan of making a giant sandwich as bait (there was no evidence suggesting the giant foxtaur would like a giant sandwich, and also he did not know what to do with the thing once baited) and joined in the dig along with the bat Antermosiph. Eventually they found coal and light spilled forth from the giant cave.
Yllavyer was quite annoyed when they cut down her tree for building materials, but found another one further off to hide in. (It should be noted that this was a very effective hiding tactic, as the giant foxtaur was very careful not to step on any trees during his rampage.)
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"So you too, huh?" Pontos shook his head.
Jenia shook all five if its heads. "Yeah, sorry," the closest one said. "I've got the whole abomination thing down, but I don't do thy fly-around-shooting-death-blasts gig... At least not against things way bigger than me."
Pontos nodded. It was a longer shot, he knew, but he knew of giant hydra-things that flew around cities and fought monsters from movies... Unfortunately Jenia was a normal-sized hydra and not a giant hydra, so that idea sunk.
He pulled the fur of his wrist up and looked at his watch, clenching his teeth. Not much time...
----
Tvorsk gave the door's lock a good SLAM with his hammer's pointed edge, and the thing flew right open. He squinted as sunlight spilled in the stairwell.
"Nice," Stormkit commented. The two exited and found themselves on the building's roof. It wasn't the tallest around, but it was over Virmir's head, and thus should work nicely. He was coming this way too.
"Oh, hey!" Kit said as he leaned over the railing. The city river nearly touched the north face of the building before it snaked onwards between the skyscrapers. "I wonder if I jumped and hit the water, it would negate fall damage..."
"Kit! Focus..." Tvorsk would surly be white-knuckled as he gripped his hammer, had they not been covered in dark brown fur. His tail lashed in agitation.
"Right!" He turned 90 degrees and ran to the corner to face the oncoming Virmir, who had not noticed them yet. He grinned. "One snow storm coming up!" Kit wiggled his fingers as a cloud formed above the city streets. Bitter winds blew, and white fluff billowed upon Virmir's giant head.
Now in most cases, hitting Virmir with snow would completely immobilize him, in the very mildest of cases causing him to curl into a tiny ball of fluff and cry until he was bodily moved to a warmer location. This of course depended on him being a rather small fox, which at this time he was not. Hitting a giant foxtaur with a small centralized gust of cold would be akin to a flea biting a dog's neck. But this is Virmir we are talking about, so to him it felt like a very painful hornet's sting. And this of course made him Very Angry.
The giant foxtaur roared and headbutted the side of the building, giant antenna-hair slicing through the floors like butter, windows and office furniture spraying upon the streets. The entire structure lurched, and Kit and Tvorsk flew right off.
"Aaaaaaaaaaah~!" Tvorsk screamed dramatically as he plummeted. He had hoped to live a longer, happier life than this. Regular Expressions and MySQL queries flashed before his eyes until with a THUMP he was caught by something cold and metallic and was jerked back into the air.
He struggled in the metal hand a bit before looking up and finding he was being carried through the air by a large robot with a black cape.
"Gotcha!" Donnie's voice rang through the loud speaker (all piloted robots had a loudspeaker with which to project the pilot's voice. It was protocol.) The VirMech doubled its jet boosters and Got the Heck Out of There as quickly as possible as the giant foxtaur turned his attention to it and began to give chase.
"Uh... Donnie?" Tvorsk said in the direction of the mech's head, which was also the cockpit. "You didn't catch Kit..."
Inside the cockpit, Donnie made a face very much like O_o.
Tvorsk twisted around and saw Kit's lifeless body by the river's edge. "I... missed the water..." Kit's disembodied voice rang through his head.
Tvorsk facepawed. "Does anyone know Revive?"
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Being dead was of course annoying because you couldn't do anything. Kit had a very limited view of what was going on. At least Virmir didn't step on him.
"I gotcha!" A young bouncy voice rang out. Medik Jackal loomed over his corpse wearing the widest of toon grins, his medic arm-sash glimmering in the light that filtered in-between the tall structures.
"Oh, hey there." Kit's disembodied voice replied. "What are... what are you doing?"
Medik held up his two defibrillator paddles, blue sparks leaping from one to the other like lightning on a Tesla coil.
----
Pontos' ears perked. "What was that?"
"I don't know..." The floating piece of Radioactive Toast hummed for a moment in consideration. "It sounded like... it sounded like a cat getting electrocuted...."
Pontos rubbed his chin.
Toast continued. "Except the cat wasn't entirely sure he was a cat... More like a mixture of other things thrown into a blender, screaming in agony."
Pontos nodded.
"And then he said a G-rated swear word."
The G-rated swear word that was heard was completely innocent. However it was said with such conviction that after this utterance, the committee of people who decided what-things-are-rated-what got together and decided to commit it to the selective Club of Real Swear Words, so therefore it will not be named in this story.
"Anyway..." Toast shook his head, which gave the impression that an invisible dog had grabbed the floating piece of toast and shook it around a bit. "I'm sorry, but radiation doesn't work like that."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, radiation never shrinks things. Science, you see."
"But what about that one movie?"
Toast chucked. "Just a movie, silly. Hollywood is all glamour and effect."
"I see..."
"Radiation just makes things glow, and also randomly causes them to mutate. Sometimes grow. No shrinking, though."
"Huh."
"I can try using my Power, though."
"Oh?"
Toast floated to the middle of the street. "I can change into a random chimera of three nearby life forms. If one of them is your giant foxtaur friend, I'll become his size, along with whatever other special powers I pick up from others. Should be able to restrain him easily.
"Worth a shot."
Toast hummed and glowed. And after a blinding flash, a purple fox-horse thing with a unicorn horn and pincer-claws for hands stood in his place. "Oh... I seemed to have become a purple fox-unicorn-crab... Also, I'm a girl. " She spun, indicating the dress. "Oh well. I feel like shopping now. Bye~!" She blew Pontos a kiss and scampered off on cloven hooves.
Pontos stood motionless for a moment, mouth agape, eye twitching, until he finally snapped out of it and facepawed a little too hard. He then sighed and looked at his watch.
It was 5AM on the other side of the world. Time had run out. His efforts to prevent disaster had failed.
Utter chaos was on the horizon...
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I officially at this moment die laughing. XD!!
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I officially at this moment die laughing. XD!!
But that would require that the floating piece of Toast was alive to begin with ];)
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Oh Gawd.. oks I finally caved and read this all... X3
This story makes no sense whatever! And its awesome X3 ]:)
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YES YES YES YES YES! Again, there is no proper way to sum this up... so again, I demand you write more! It is much too wonderful to be left at this! MUCH TOO GOOD! And the sooner it's continued, the better |:P
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So I was wondering what would happen when I inevitably got dragged into this story.... and I must say I approve. I think that would have been funny even if it DIDN'T actually happen, though I think it was Tvorsk who cast revive.
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PART 3
"You needed my help to steal a pancake truck?"
Niro dug his paws into the steering wheel. He was twitching from being in such proximity to so many pancakes. "But the legends, Tai, the legends..."
Tai shook his head, then held up his hand. "Shh... what's that?" They were currently parked under a bridge. Dramatically, the two's eyes slid to the glass of water sitting in the cup holder.
Ripples ran through the surface.
"We have to get out of here..." Niro said, his voice the faintest whisper. Both of them sat rigid with their backs pressed tightly against the seat.
The lumbering pound of paws drew closer.
As silently as possible, Niro fumbled the keys into the ignition and turned. The starter lurched and died. A bit more frantically, he tried again. And again.
Giant white paws showed themselves in the mirrors.
"YIIIIIIPPP!!!"
Screaming, Niro gave the starter a dramatic turn and the engine roared to life. Flooring the gas pedal, the pancake truck burst into daylight as the bridge shattered to a million pieces.
"Must go faster! Must go faster!!" Tai pointed out helpfully, wedging his body into the back seat cushion as far as possible.
"I'm trying! I'm trying!!!"
The truck buzzed down the highway, weaving in-between smashed cars left-and-right. Suddenly the paws in the mirror disappeared and a shadow loomed over them.
"Abandon ship!!" Niro opened the door and rolled out on to the pavement.
Tai sat mouth agape for a moment, then fumbled with his safety belt and ducked out his door, painfully rolling on the pavement several times. The truck sped on, and he looked up in time to see the giant foxtaur fly over his head and finish the second half of his giant fox-pounce, crunching the truck into nothing as its contents spilled into the air. The monster reared on its hind legs before bounding off happily.
Tai picked up one of the flattened cakes that landed by his head. But it wasn't a pancake... it was... a waffle with a paw-print indentation?
"The legends were true~!" Niro fell to the ground and raised his paws skyward. "It's raining waffles!"
"That... that doesn't make any sense!"
Niro looked serious for a moment. "Legend states that waffles were born from a pancake that had been stepped on. That giant foxtaur is a giant well of toon physics. Just put two-and-two together..."
Tai's eye developed a nervous twitch that day which never really went away the rest of his life.
----
"MEW HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Pontos was late in retuning to the city's center, and pushed his way through the crowd. KaiAdin was in his prince uniform, which meant he had a Brilliant Plan on par with Lord Julian's. Or he had drunk coffee. Or both. "Oh, gods..."
"I shall stop the giant foxtaur!" Kai mewed triumphantly, "By striking the luddite down with the impregnable aura of TECHNOLOGY!!" As he said the last word, he lifted an object into the air that shown with a radiance so bright, all of the crowd shaded their eyes from the intense shininess.
It was the KaiPad.
"I.... I have one too..." Traxer muttered as he touched the tips of his fingers together and shifted his eyes, "... you know..."
Kai spun and flipped his cape. "Now watch and learn, as I singled-pawedly defeat the giant four-footed menace with SCIENCE!!!"
"SCIENCE!!" Dr. Richardson jumped on the platform with Kai and screamed in approval.
Kai shifted his eyes, then pushed the scientist off. "My limelight!"
"Sorry."
Kai then pointed dramatically. By now, most of the crowd had donned sunglasses so that the KaiPad's brilliance would not blind them. With dexterous paw-fingers, he traced out complicated patterns upon the KaiPad, which sparked and glowed with swirly technological luminance. Traxer immediately went to the app store to purchase whatever program Kai had. Suddenly the ground shook, and a giant metal kitty head with blue hair rose from the river, parting the waves in theatric anime fashion. Tallyn found a dark alley away from everyone else to curl up and hide in and was not able to be coaxed out for weeks.
"MEW HA HA HA HA!!!" Kai bellowed as he jumped fifty feet (15.24 meters) straight up and landed on top of the head. It was a giant kitty mech, painted a brilliant orange, save the blue headtuft. It had a face that looked somewhat like this:
>:3
Kai slipped through the hatch and fell into the control room, where he took up the levers and pushed the blinking buttons. The roar of engines sounded, and the machine bellowed a deafening electronic "MEWMEW".
The crowd parted in panic as giant metal kitty paws tore through the streets. "I shall save the city," Kai's voice rang out, amplified over the loudspeaker, "with KITTYPOWER!!"
With that, the jet boosters kicked in, and the KaiMech blasted over the buildings in a bounding leap.
Virmir was distracted tearing apart a parking garage when the KaiMech landed behind him. He shuffled his four feet to turn, giant fluffy tail taking out a bus on the way.
"Giant luddite fox!! FEEL THE TASTE OF TECHNOLOGY!!!" Kai's voice projected menacingly. The twin gun ports on either side of the mech fired rockets with orange kitty heads.
Virmir scratched his head confusedly. "I have a degree in computer science, you know... --OOOOF!!"
The rockets exploded on impact with his upper chest, and Virmir was sent spiraling backwards into a skyscraper. Every single window pane shattered, and the mass crumbled on top of him in dramatic, smoky slow-motion. "You will destroy this city NO MORE!!" Kai screamed.
The giant taur climbed out of the wreckage with swirly-toon-eyes, then shook his head and snarled ferally at the robot. Opening his mouth, a surging ball of flame billowed forth. The mech crossed its arms over its face to block the blast, which took out the two buildings on either side of the street. Virmir bounded in front of the mech, then the two locked arms and grappled. The mech was stronger, but the taur had much better leverage, so pushed the KaiMech backwards as its metal kitty feet tore the streets to ribbons.
----
"How's he doing?" Tvorsk asked as he sat next to Pontos and watched the clash of titans on the horizon. At least the park was safe.
"Well, Kai's kicking the tar out of him," Pontos shook his head. "But he's a toon, so nothing hurts..."
Meanwhile Dess had abandoned his mining operation and was busy rebuilding the city as it got destroyed with his small team of volunteers. He was doing an amazing job, and the results were sprawling stone towers with cascading strategically placed waterfalls. It was beautiful, if not a little blocky. He kept passing by muttering how he needed more obsidian, though.
Tvorsk rubbed his chin after the green-haired silver fox raced by on a minecart. "We'll have to try a different approach."
Kit was looking very frazzled, but kept telling people he was okay whenever they looked at him funny. "If only I could conjure a bigger snow storm..."
"We'll need more than that... we'll have to hit him with everything he hates, all at once..."
Pontos whispered. "A Perfect Storm..."
"Right... we'll need to get him to curl up into a fetal position and shrink back... Hmmmm... what else does he hate?" Tvorsk sounded a little uneasy.
"Holidays."
"Music."
"Uhm... he's atheist?"
"Hmmm... anything that's in the popular media, or over-marketed for sure..."
All three of them looked at each other, and went, "Hmmmm...."
----
"I'm an Art Genie!" Tod declared with artistic flair. He quickly sketched out a cartoon fox in thin air, and it sat there and blinked, looking absolutely adorable, water-colored tones and fuzzy tail and all.
"Great!" Pontos said. "I'll need one hundred more."
Tod blinked, then ran his fingers through his hair. "One hundred more?"
Pontos forced a wad of cash into his other hand. "One hundred more."
Tod looked at the money, then grinned. "I'm an Art Genie!"
----
Yurodivy put the phone down.
"Who was that?" Feathertail asked.
"Big sewing order." She wing-shrugged, then walked into her workshop.
"Oh?"
"Yup. Santa hats. Hundreds of them."
----
"You sure this will work?" Kit knocked the side of the big metal box as if testing for structural integrity."
"Yep," Donnie said, busy screwing some gadget back together. Wires and gears stuck out every-which-way. He looked absolutely adorable with his tongue sticking out as he worked the screwdiver. "It's my special power. I can build anything, from anything."
"But... we didn't even give give you any metal! It was literally a gum wrapper, a pencil, and two old shoes!"
"Anything from anything!!"
----
"Sorry to hear about the mech." Tvorsk patted Kai's back.
"Mew... it's okay." Kai's whiskers were a little droopy from his giant kitty-mech falling apart. While it was good for exactly one-thousand beatings, giant cartoon foxtaurs could take exactly infinity beatings, and therefore warranty would not cover the damage. "It was six months old anyway... time for a new one!" His ears perked, and Tvorsk shifted his eyes.
"Anyway!" he leapt to his feet and pointed enthusiastically, "Dessy helped me build a tower!" A glimmering tower of obsidian and glass stood triumphantly where the old business district used to be. All around stood breathtaking castles with flying buttresses and dramatic gardens with flowing waterfalls and blocky trees. The fact of the matter was, Dess built faster than Virmir destroyed. At this very moment he was impatiently waiting for the giant foxtaur to topple another building so he could get on with his next masterpiece.
"We're almost ready," LurkingWolf said as he handed the two their caroling books. Tvorsk took his and shuddered. "We carol all the time back home," Lurking explained. "Helps forcefully spread the misery-- I mean joy, whether you like it or not."
PastaMasta and Xand finished bandaging up 2dogsandaDJ and helped him to his feet. "I'm more of a dagger guy, anyway..." DJ held up his broken ninja sword, leaning on his crutch with the other. Unfortunately he had gotten the idea that trying to cut the tail off the giant foxtaur would cause him to shrink back to normal. It Did Not End Well.
Geary was almost all the way into his otter costume, and was getting a good number of strange looks. "What? Viri HATES otters!"
"I always thought it was more of finding them thoroughly unimpressive, as opposed to hating..." Tvorsk scratched his head.
"No, he HATES them!" After a few more blank stares passed his way, he began jumping up and down. "If I say it enough times, it will become true!!"
LoCk shifted his eyes.
"Make way!" The giant crane beeped and opened its hatch, and one hundred and one Tod-foxes spilled onto the pavement. It was a tremendous pile of irresistible cuteness.
"That's a lot of foxes." Tvorsk commented, taking off his shades.
Meanwhile, Tod had used his last art-djinni spell of the day to draw himself a jet-liner and fly back to Seattle ASAP.
"Hold it!" Fizzie screamed. He bounded out of the crowd and scampered up the Pile of Cute Foxes, planting himself at the very top. He fanned his eight tails out, and his eyes were so adorable that everyone had to look away to avoid exposure damage.
"Perfect!" Pontos gave a thumbs-up. "We're ready. Places, everyone!"
No sooner than the streets were cleared did the lumbering shake of four giant paws tremble the earth. Virmir peeked around a building and his giant eyes went as wide as antique satellite dishes as they took in the bait. "Ooooooo...." He scampered over to the fox pile giddily, which is quite a sight for a taur, and quite another thing altogether for a giant taur. Street lamps uprooted like thin sticks assaulted by his giant wagging featherduster of a tail.
"Now!" Pontos screamed.
High above on one of the newer obsidian towers, Kit poured his spell into the shoe at the end of Donnie's weather magnification machine. (The other shoe served as a crank, which Donnie turned with much conviction.) Snow billowed from the hole at top, and the skies instantly turned dark.
"What's this?!" The giant foxtaur asked nervously as his ears folded and his tail retreated between his legs. He twitched as tiny flakes of white fluff fell upon his massive frame.
"Ooooo oooo ooo a-ooo ooo oooo ooo~!" The carolers sang, stepping out of the shadows into the winter wonderland, the balls of their Santa-hats blowing in the frigid air. "Ooo ooo ooo, a-ooo ooo oooooo~!" Their muzzles rose skyward as they pursed their lips, doing their best impression of The Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
"GAAAAH~!" More windows shattered as the giant foxtaur screamed. He tripped over his own four legs and his giant rear smashed into the ground, front paws digging gouges in the snowy pavement. He looked as if he would pull his own ears off, he covered them with so much force. "It's not Christmas!! IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!!!"
Dess' giant Christmas tree lit up at that moment (though all the lights were orange, as all he had were torches) and Virmir fell over with a thunderous BOOM, writhing in agony. "NoooooOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!!"
"Ooo ooo ooo, a-ooo ooo ooo~!" the carolers continued, circling the monster. His body contored and shrunk, twitching all the way as snow covered him. After a short moment, there was nothing but a tiny balled-up feral gray fox, who was quickly buried by white powder.
"Okay, okay! That's enough!" Everyone fell silent and Pontos rushed forward and pulled out a frozen dead lump from the snow. "We... we killed him..."
"Oh..." Everyone stood around, scratching the backs of their heads and looking very guilty but at the same time wondering if they could pass on the blame to the person next to hem.
A little jackal burst from the crowd, defibrillator paddles sparking. "Clear!!" Medik shouted.
Pontos dropped the corpse and leapt out of the way.
----
A gray fox sits in a chair, hands on his lap, folded, looking at you with intense sincerity. The camera zooms in, smoothly, professionally. His perfect white cartoon eyes radiate trust, compassion, understanding...
"My name name is Kendo Virmir, and I..." he swallows, "I was a Giant Taurification Potion addict."
The camera angle changes and you are now looking at him from a forty-five degree angle. He turns smoothly and looks at you again, as if he were totally expecting you to teleport ten feet to the right and there was nothing strange about doing that at all. "If you, a family member, or a loved one is suffering from a Giant Taurification Potion addiction, I can help."
"555-GIANTTAURNOMORE" flashes on the bottom of the screen.
"Please call this number right now, and I will send you a free brochure detailing my resort and rehab center. As part of this program, I kindly ask you to bring any and all Giant Taurification Potion you may have with you, so that I can personally destroy it," he shifts his eyes, "myself."
The camera angle changes to its original position again, and he turns once more, because random spontaneous teleportation still does not bother him. "There are, many, many more things in life than smashing cars with your feet. As my dear, dear friends were kind enough to show me..." The camera zooms in slowly, dramatically... "So, very, very many other things to deal with..."
He grins toothily as the scene fades, and monks chant in epic Latin verses against the backdrop of a thundering symphony.
THE END
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And on an end note, thanks for all the comments, folks. [:) To be honest, most of this story wrote itself. I just put your characters in situations, and watched them react. [;)
I know I didn't get some things right, and there were some people who didn't get a part, or got a way too small a part. Maybe I'll do better next time. [;) For the most part, I composed this entire thing in my head over three days at work (Tuesday-Thursday), and the thing stuck around after I finished the CF comic Friday night, so it was much easier coming out than anything else I've written. Ignoring logic and pumping it full of extreme silliness helped too. [;)
6,262 words in three days! My writing quota is filled 'till 2012. [;)
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That was quite possibly the most hilarious thing I've read all year. I'd quote more lines but... there's just too dang many to quote. You have outdone yourself Lord Fluffy! Hail the Fluff Lord!!
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Awesome... but a bit... sad...
I kinda hoped for you to getting this under control, but not quitting completely... or something... and for the potion to stay in production. {:P
...yeah, I'm a sucker for happy endings, even marysueish ones.
Either way, crazy and hilarious piece... and we'll probably will have to live knowing you won't finish Reyan Saga before the alleged end of the world, then {;)
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December 21, 2012: Virmir writes a story that has no foxes in it.
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YAY Writing 6k words! ]:)
Aww till 2012? Darn!
Heheh I have to say this is all kinds of awesome X3... you've captured in a way all the fun and crazy personalties of the CF Chat Members nicely!
/me needs to buy the KaiMech App ]:O
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This... this is genius... so, very, much, AWESOME factor was involved in this production...
But no! There is no way you will avoid writing until 2012! ABSOLUTELY no way!
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Someone (possibly me) needs to write an alternate version of this that's more realistic in terms of the chatmember's reactions. Aka... it's more likely I'd be riding on top of Virmir than trying to stop him. And Toast would probably have been far more dangerous and likely to turn into say... that pink unicorn of doom. The ending that I naturally end at is Vir being disappointed because he was actually pretty ineffectual overall at destroying stuff compared to some of the others.
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-Donnie has fainted from fun awesomeness-
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Hahah, very cool Virmir! This reminds me that I need to write more myself!
To be honest, most of this story wrote itself. I just put your characters in situations, and watched them react. [;)
What was untold was the story of how Fen stayed underground, surrounded by lava in a giant cavern while he ate a sandwich the size of a small building. [;)
AND THEN THERE WERE CREEPERS.
...I might actually write that someday.
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This was awesome!!! So much lulz, where do I begin?
But yes, there were many win moments~! Uber genius, dear admin! [:)
P.S. RT becoming that female fox unicorn-thing, and then having the strong impulse to go shopping, that made me lol. I mean... "Oh well. I feel like shopping now. Bye~!" She blew Pontos a kiss and scampered off on cloven hooves. XD