Author Topic: Responsibility  (Read 13584 times)

Lopez

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on: April 02, 2009, 09:44:23 PM
Since I've been critiquing stories right and left, I thought that it was about time that I offered up one of my own for the firing squad. If my writing seems superfluous and pedantic, that merely rests in the fact that my only reading for the past few days has been the Dickensian novel 'Hard Times,' and my writing style remains thus influenced. So, if you please...


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An ode to Responsibility:

The fox scrolled the combination until the lock opened. She ran through the back door, four paws scurrying lightly yet furiously across the dirt floor of the den in the rear of the shop. Her limbs ached, even after she had laid down the monstrous backpack, but she had no time to rest. She quickly jolted about, gathering spare clothes and miscellaneous light utilities, along with two spare forepaw pads with matching hind paw pads.

The other fox slept at the front of the shop, as an assortment of blocks lay scattered on the floor. The machine had one page half-loaded, but there was no ink ready to produce a new page. As he heard the back door rattle, he hopped to his feet, stretched out across the floor, extended his claws, and yawned as if he were a prey animal springing back to life. He stared at the half-filled page before nearly falling over hurrying into the rear of the shop.

As he ran into the rear of the shop, he gave her two nods of greeting, but she paid no heed. After watching her scurry and skedaddle to and fro about the room, he finally summoned up the courage to ask her, “What are you doing?”
   
She gathered the items with alarming speed, and placed them all beside a backpack which had already been overloaded.

She looked at him, tilted her head to explain that she was sorry, and replied, “A job just came up, and I think that I should take it.”

He froze, his fur standing on end and his claws digging into the floor. He shook off his icy pose and glanced over at the pile. Prominently displayed on top was a peculiar sort of hind paw pad.

The pad had the usual parts for a hind paw pad, but with other adjustments. The cushioning just under the paw had a bit more padding than usual. In addition, two irregular protrusions extended out the rear, as if to give the bearer more balance. But what that balance might be used for was entirely up to the bearer’s discretion.

“It’s another diplomacy job. They need a translator. Something about an arms deal. They need to leave today. I can take this job now or never. It pays well.”

“How long?”

“Four months. There and back. It’ll be a snap.”

“Last time you said it would be five months and it was seven.”

“We had some transportation trouble.”

“Can’t they get anyone else?”

“You know how hard it is to find a fox who speaks decent enough Chinese nowadays. If I don’t go, then who will they have? Will they just pick up the language while they’re there?”

“Please don’t go.”

“They need this arms deal. Rockets and gunpowder technology. We need this to defend ourselves. You know how they’ve toughened up the eastern flank. If I don’t go, then our whole future could be at stake!”

She stopped, and he loosened his muscles and pawed at the ground, “What’s wrong?”

She returned to packing, although less enthusiastic than before, “Nothing, I just need to hurry, that’s all.”

He walked over to the backpack. It was held together through a variety of laces and latches, and had stretch marks peppered all about its surface. He undid a lace here, a latch there, and a whole array of notebooks, papers, and various other pieces of stationery came tumbling out.

She pretended not to notice.

“What happened at the language council meeting?”

She stopped, walked over to him, and together they admired the pile of documents and their subsequent notations.

“They’re changing everything,” she said to him while pulling her ears back, “Romanization.”

She walked back to the front of the shop, and gazed up at the stacks upon stacks of wooden blocks. Every one of them was unique, except for the forms which they wished to convey.

He followed her into the room. He, too, gazed up at the stacks upon stacks of wooden blocks.

He shook his head, “We can’t do that.”

“I know,” she replied, “That’s why I took this job. I’ll be back in four months. We won’t have enough money to purchase a whole new set, but it will help. We still have a year before they implement it. If I don’t go then we’ll both be bankrupt.”

“But you’ve already been gone a month. I can’t run the shop without you.”

She lay down on the dirt floor and looked up at him. “Why do you need me? The kits are all grown. We’ve already had three litters. We’re not going to have another. Why shouldn’t I go?”

“They can find another fox.”

“Not one with my kind of skills. We need this deal. It’s to defend ourselves.”

“Maybe we should just stop defending ourselves.”

“Maybe you’re wrong.”

She walked back into the rear of the shop, squatted down and felt the peculiar hind paw pad’s attachments with the rear of her furry left forepaw.

“Please stay. You can’t go,” his voice cracked and he sat up looking through the door.

She walked back over to him and lay down under him. She closed her eyes for a brief moment before looking up at him.

“But I can,” she replied, “And that’s what scares me.”

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Virmir

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Reply #1 on: April 06, 2009, 03:59:35 PM
Oh, interesting.  Sounds like the more dangerous sort of "diplomacy" job. [;)  So basically what they are struggling to do is make ends meet as whatever it is they do (some sort of printing service?) moves from the old ways to new.

Quote
The fox scrolled the combination until the lock opened. She ran through the back door, four paws scurrying lightly yet furiously...

Nice!  Quadraped, yet able to use their front paws as hands.

Quote
She gathered the items with alarming speed, and placed them all beside a backpack which had already been overloaded.

She looked at him, tilted her head to explain that she was sorry, and replied, “A job just came up, and I think that I should take it.”

You separate your dialogue out as its own paragraph a few times.  You only need to do this when you change speakers or change who's doing the action being described.  Also, you do a lot of "She does X", "She does Y".  I'd mix up the sentence structure a bit, like so:

She gathered the items with alarming speed, and placed them all beside a backpack which had already been overloaded.  Looking at him, she tilted her head to explain that she was sorry and replied, “A job just came up, and I think that I should take it.”

Quote
The pad had the usual parts for a hind paw pad, but with other adjustments. The cushioning just under the paw had a bit more padding than usual. In addition, two irregular protrusions extended out the rear, as if to give the bearer more balance. But what that balance might be used for was entirely up to the bearer’s discretion.

So she can use it to walk on two legs, maybe?  Cool. [:)

Quote
She walked back over to him and lay down under him. She closed her eyes for a brief moment before looking up at him.

“But I can,” she replied, “And that’s what scares me.”

So she's the dominate one in this relationship.  It's subtle at first (he's afraid to speak first when she's rushing around).  But by the end it becomes the point of the story.  What I take from her lying down is she wants him to be the dominate one, to say "no, you can't go", but he never does and thus she's the one that has to go out and fend for them both.

Likewise, he doesn't want her to go, but can't give a reason.  It's because he can't live alone and make his own decisions.

Interesting blend of animal and human behavior there!  I like it. [:)

[fox] Virmir


Geo Holms

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Reply #2 on: April 06, 2009, 07:19:09 PM
Love the way that this uses "show not tell" to its full advantage. This a story loaded with little dashes of sub-text floating about the edges that the reader can see little glimmers of about the edges. There is the bluntness to it, it captures the unexpectedness of the situation, the tug-of-war, of the things that the male wants to say and the things that the female is trying to avoid. The mix of these two really makes a read that leads me to wonder what the hints are leading toward, intrigues enough to want to know more. Really is quite cool in that sense.

Very interesting setup and how it is played off. I like a fine use of dialogue to deepen a story, really gives a sense of depth in this one.

There was only one small thing that I got confused about:

Quote
She stopped, and he loosened his muscles and pawed at the ground, “What’s wrong?”

She returned to packing, although less enthusiastic than before, “Nothing, I just need to hurry, that’s all.”

The structure of that first part made it confusing to understand who was the one speaking, because both were mentioned in the previous phrase. The next part clarified it but I had to pause and go back to understand it. Perhaps make the first part into two sentences. as in "She stopped. He loosened his muscles. "What's wrong?" he asked. Because, I've been told this but I'm not certain of the rule, one cannot "paw at the ground" the words "what's wrong."  Heh. Not sure if that makes sense.

And that be it for now.



KaiAdin

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Reply #3 on: April 06, 2009, 08:51:32 PM
Ah Nice a pretty cool short story! ]:) (sorry been doing other things, so I didn't read it till everyone else commented on it)

What I find interesting is the (real world) international theme of this story, Given its somewhat Renaissance/medieval setting. Especially the romanisation of the Chinese language, so early in history. Wern't they culturally stable for centuries in the Real World ? But not knowing about the rest of this world, I don't think I can comment much upon it.

I sort of cheated and read the replies before the story so i don't really have any comments construction wise... 

But it would be interesting to ask how you came up with this setting, and its history ]:)

Haha, I'm quite busy in the lab ATM, so Ill continue this later

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Dragyn

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Reply #4 on: April 06, 2009, 10:57:19 PM
Since I'm late to the party, I've nothing to comment on, critique-wise, though I rather gather the impression that there's more to this...

Any chance we'll be seeing more of these characters in the future?



Lopez

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Reply #5 on: April 07, 2009, 04:44:32 AM
This is a depiction of the Ryne race I ame up with, but I just substitue "fox" here to make it more easily understandable. So to dragyn: you'll see the world again, but probably not these characters.

To KaiAdin: At this point in history, the Chinese were totally sweet back in their day. China had its peak in the 1200s, with an overseas empire and massive battleships and advanced weapons technology, but they crumbled after this time due to isolationist policies. Think about this in the context of the story. What question does it raise?

The story could be Renaissance/medieval....but be careful. The Chinese invented the movable block printing press before the Europeans did; but their writing system was inherently not good for moveable block anyway, so it had no real point.

Be careful:
Quote
Especially the romanisation of the Chinese language, so early in history.

Quote
You know how hard it is to find a fox who speaks decent enough Chinese nowadays.

What's being romanized?

Thanks for all the great comments! It really helps me to see how you read into the story.  {:) This is the first time anyone has actually been mostly correct...

One last thing: I threw a lot of obscure combinations of words into this story...do you think I should make them simpler?

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


KaiAdin

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Reply #6 on: April 07, 2009, 06:41:00 AM
Are you sure your not my English teacher in disguise? You've somehow managed to turn your answer into a question! ]:P *feels like hes in high school again*

China had its peak in the 1200s, with an overseas empire and massive battleships and advanced weapons technology, but they crumbled after this time due to isolationist policies. Think about this in the context of the story. What question does it raise?

Umm, I'm guessing at this story has happened after the crumbling of their empire... So does that mean the empire is building up again? They need translators to keep the peace, which the female fox has accepted an offer for, which brings us to the next point

What's being romanized?

Well I was assuming the Chinese peoples writing system was being romanized... But reading it again seems like the Foxes way of writing itself is being romanized. Which then begs the question of where in the world they are, Europe I suppouse, but then again their writing would already be Romanesque. I guess I don't know enough about the world to make conclusions, since they foxes seem to be equally comfortable quadruped/bipedal their writing may be much different.
 
And just like my English teacher you've managed to make me confused about something I thought I had pinned down  ];) (I mean this in a nice way, just in case something is lost in translation )

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Lopez

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Reply #7 on: April 08, 2009, 03:34:24 AM
Of course! {:) I don't like providing direct answers. I could spew knowledge at you all day about the world of the comic, but that isn't really enjoyable. So, I try to "guide" you to the answers through the story as much as possible. I can see where your confusion arises, though.

There's always more depth to the story than you can imagine. It's all just a matter of connecting it to the right ideas. In that way, questions are much more flexible than answers. If you can't ask questions about a story, then it's kind of weak:(too much tell, not enough show.)

I need to provide a bit more detail into their conversation about the human world. now it's kind of vauge. I intended for the time reference to allude to their location, but because the time of travel changes over time, this lacks enough detail for you to read into it much.

I'll try to make some minor alterations to the story so that there can be at least SOME answers. I do feel like I need to clear up aspects about the world and not over-focus on the race, as I tend to do.

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!