Author Topic: Cordia  (Read 5495 times)

Spite

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on: August 23, 2013, 05:05:33 AM

This is kind of a bit from a story I may or may not be writing in the future.

          The sound of the soft wind in the air filled my ears as I gander into the sky searching for answers. The fate of Eipt depended upon us, and I could not be the one to seal a deathly fate on her, or fail to stop it. Although the cool midnight air mixed with the vast expanse of the night sky comforted me, I could not put my mind at ease. Not until I knew this was all over. It would take a long struggle to obtain that, however. I decide to snap out of my trance and slowly walk my way towards Dolsuir. Dolsuir and I have endured many hardships to achieve what we have to make it to this point in our journey, Although there have been many consequences. Dolsuir was sitting on the edge of a cliff that overlooked the glorious city of Cordia, but this was no time to admire the view, we had business to attend to.
          "Summit Prison is no summer camp, how are we going to infiltrate it?" I ask Dolsuir. As if woken from sleep, Dolsuir snapped up, and replied, "I have no idea, we will have to figure that out when we get there." With a concerned tone in my voice, I asked, "I told you to synthesize a plan to break in, Dolsuir, what have you been doing all this time?" His response took me off guard, "You need to lighten up, Rarris, I've been looking at the sky, the lights from the mask festival down there in Cordia. This is some beautiful scenery, why must we not sit here and enjoy the view?" I started to lose my temper, "Because people's lives are at stake! We cannot sit here idly while another second passes, another second that could lead to the death of everyone if we don't act now!" Dolsuir seemed unfazed by my retort, and leaned back on a tree before replying, "How can we help others if we cannot help ourselves? I believe th-" "You need to stop being so casual about this! Do you want people to die at your hands! You have always been so nonchalant about these thing!" I interrupted. A long silence ensued. Both of our eyes glared intently on the other, focused, ready to strike at a moment's notice. This void seemed to last an eternity, before Dolsuir finally broke the ice, "We cannot do anything if we are bickering, let us depart if it nags you so." A small growl came out of my mouth before I replied, "Fine, we will need help with out mission, and I know a person who can help us" I took out a small, old, worn parchment. After I unrolled it, the secrets it held were released, and the simple map for what it was took shape. The map was of the city, and a large ink "x" was on a location in a old part of the city. "This is where he resides." I said. "Follow me, lay low, and look out for any Depra Occid." My warnings were acknowledged with a quick nod, and we headed out into the darkness.
          Shadows of trees, bushes, and leaves became nothing but as blur as we sped up towards the city. We slowed down as we approached the gateway, and hid behind a nearby boulder of large scale. "Wear your mask, we are now just simple attendants to the festival." We both donned our masks, and concealed our weapons. The watch in Cordia was renowned for it's fighting prowess, so weapons restrictions were none. As soon as we entered the walls, it was alike to entering a whole new world. Outside the walls, it was dark and dreary. Shadows ran rampant, as the darkness consumed all. Inside the walls, there was an abundance of light, colors, and sounds. Bard could be heard playing their merry tunes, as shopping stalls infected the streets as merchants took advantage of the situation to sell their new wares. Many colorfull kites were in the air, and every street seemed full of people laughing, talking, dancing, and other general things. The air was full of pungent aromas from bakers, florists, and butchers alike each prepared their goods for sale. The festival felt all-consuming, and it seemed like a radical note that it would be all gone by midday tomorrow. This is no time for festivities. Dolsuir and I weaved through the crowd towards the desolate end of the city. "Watch out for any Derpa Occid", I reminded Dolsuir. The Depra Occid were an elite group of assassins used to eliminate any "problems", such as two people trying to break someone out of Cordia's prison.
          We were able to avoid any disturbances on our trek to the part of town that did not participate in the festival. The streets are barren, devoid of all life but us. The air seems dark and too unfriendly. The wind seems to be blowing against us. Even nature wants to end our journey, but we are not going to stop now. It wasn't long before we arrive at the house without any conversation along the way. I know of a secret code to gain entry, so I ready to knock, before telling Darius, "Don't say anything, let me do the conversing". I again ready to knock, and do so five times. After waiting a fair bit of time, I small but very audible voice is heard on the other side of the door. "Who is it?" the voice askes. "Ostim Irantei" I reply. The voice seems satisfied by my answer, and opens the door. Dolsuir and I walk into a large room, with the walls adorned with glamorous paintings. Shelves filled with busts and books line the second wall, and an antique sword from a time forgotten is put on display on the fourth. A large staircase with a golden chandelier dominate most of the room, and doors line the sides. I look around and only see on creature, the same one who opened the door. This creature was encased in a layer of dark clothing that hided everything but her eyes. I note her eyes look deep blue, so much as you can stare at them all day and never find the bottom. "Where is Sempil?" I finally asked. Nothing happened until the creature finally spoke, "Sempil" it said in a distinctively woman-sounding voice. A voice devoid of any emotion. "Yes," I managed to speak up, "I am looking for Sempil." "Sempil", the creature replied again, with the same creepy tone as before. Before I could reply, every last door opened together, perfectly synchronized, as if rehearsed before. At least 10 of them crowded in the room, all of them looking the same as the first, but each with their own color eye. One of them has a dark forest green, another a bright amber yellow. Without warning, they all drew blades hidden within their clothing, all again at the same time. Dolsuir and I wielded our swords in defense. The group inched forwards at us, all of them chanting the same word in the same tone. "Sempil". "Sempil". Dolsuir and I faced back to back as the group kept marching forwards at a snail's pace. "Fine mess you got us in", remarked Dolsuir. "Now's not the time, concen-" my speech was cut off by a blade flying through the air at me, perfectly synchronized with 9 others.

I'm new to this forum. And this webstie, and well, writing in general, so tips from experienced writers and general feedback is greatly appreciated.

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Virmir

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Reply #1 on: August 27, 2013, 08:18:08 PM
Not bad! You've caught my interest.  You do swap tenses a bit in the beginning, so watch out for that. I can see you were trying to go present tense with past tense for the parts talking about the past, but the stuff that is happening in the present gets mixed up with past tense later on and it gets a bit confusing. Best make it all past tense and it'll flow better.

Looking forward to reading more!

[fox] Virmir