Author Topic: School for Gifted Kits  (Read 5209 times)

Aira Fox

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on: July 14, 2013, 02:58:50 AM
Soren Fujikata has been invited to attend "Hatsumoto Hachibi's School for Gifted Kids", even though he has no special merit or skills. However, he soon learns that the school has a secret, forcing him to keep one of his own. And if his gets out, he fears he may not escape with his life.


This is a short story I've had for quite a few years now, but I never got around to actually writing it. I hope you all enjoy it!

FA Link: School for Gifted Kits

Edit: Re-uploaded the attachment.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2013, 11:47:34 PM by Aira Fox »



Virmir

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Reply #1 on: July 16, 2013, 08:14:21 PM
Great story! I haven't read something this foxy in a while. Quite refreshing! Fun setting, and rather like the resolution. My only complaint is it's pretty predictable. Obviously I couldn't guess the exact details (which were pretty interesting) and the reveal scene was very well done and I don't think you should change these. I would suggest maybe trying to work in a subplot to ease up on the predictability of the main plot.  Really enjoyed it otherwise!

[fox] Virmir


Snow

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Reply #2 on: July 25, 2013, 01:24:47 AM
I enjoyed this story!

Interesting decision to keep it heavily Japanese instead of translating every name to Bob and Tom. It made sense to do that so that Soren would know about the traditional kitsune legends. On the other paw, the use of Japanese names did make the bit with the sign that says "t" instead of "d" a little distracting; I keep wondering if it'd be in hiragana and say "kodama" or something... Which is overthinking it. Never mind, I guess.

Do you have any plans to write more of this?

A suggestion: you could do more with special effects to play up the strangeness of this place, because (1) kitsune presumably like that sort of thing and (2) Soren's internal conflict is between wanting to run away screaming and finding that this is a cool place. You did hint at the school being "bigger on the inside", which is a staple of the legends; why not play that up? For a very old draft of a story of mine, I borrowed the term "floating world" from 17th-century Japan (think "medieval Asian Las Vegas") to describe a kitsune pocket-dimension. If you can mess with the rules of local reality, why not do much more than having illusory fish? It'd be fun to write, and give more chances to make Soren start wishing he did fit in here.

As an alternative, you could have some sort of threat to the kitsune beyond "being noticed", so that Soren can initially think "it's not my problem" and then learn that it very much is. Easy to treat on Harry Potter territory if you do that, though, especially if Soren's clan is super special and he's the equivalent of a rich nobleman.

New fantasy book series: "Wavebound". The story of the novice Goddess of Water! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08D3SW5WP


Aira Fox

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Reply #3 on: July 26, 2013, 11:40:39 PM
Thank you both for the replies!  [:)

To address some of your points, Snow:

-The "School for Gifted Kits" part would be written in romaji characters, with the "t" intentionally meant to look like a "d". It doesn't look too much like a "t" until you see it from the other side of the fence. I intentionally didn't make that clear in the story.
-I might write more to this. This was written as a one-shot, but I could develop it into a series. I actually wanted to end this one with the Soren reveal, but on the chance I didn't write more, I didn't want to leave it at that. I currently have a few ideas that could easily be used to make this into 4 or 5 parts at least. Any future parts would be written on the spur of the moment.
-I could've gone way more into the stuff behind the school, but I didn't want to press everything into Soren's first few days. I could've progressed it more into a few weeks, but this was an instance I felt like it would've made the other kitsune seem stupid. I had many ways to play out the Soren reveal. One such idea actually would've been Soren fighting with the kitsune from the Ijime clan about a week into his adventure, but I wasn't sure how to forcefully draw out the week and the whole fight idea seemed to cliche and forced when I was planning it out.
-The illusions were light in that it was presented that for the first few days, everything that goes on in the school is tame and somewhat ordinary. If/when I write a second part, Soren would learn how kitsune truly act when given the chance and freedom, as well as what being in a school of mythical creatures really means.
-Soren would actually learn why his clan is considered so amazing in a second part. To put it simply, there's a reason why older kitsune treat him with respect, while younger ones like Weiss are less amazed.


In response to Virmir:

-I could throw in a bunch of subplots, but I didn't want this one to be longer that it already was.
-It was meant to be predictable. I didn't hide it and threw in more than a few hints. I was hoping to catch some people off-guard though, and I believe I did so.  [;)



Raf_Cian

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Reply #4 on: August 17, 2013, 06:37:38 PM
Took my player awhile to get around to reading this. He should really just add you to the list of authors whom he reads everything they write whether he thinks he’ll be interested or not.

First thing, the concept is very good. Don’t let Harry Potter deter you into thinking it’s somehow uninspired. Harry Potter didn’t invent the magical school troupe; it just went main stream with it. A school full of kitsunes learning to blend in with humanity is a very creative idea, and fully keeping the Japanese identity was a wonderful touch... even if I do get a sense of disconnect being an American and not knowing what is standard practice in a Japanese school and where the kitsune element sinks in.

Character wise I loved all of them, but especially Soren and the way he was borderline freaking out half the time yet somehow not sticking out at all. All of them, at least those who got some development, deserve at least some praise...  Fuen, Oda, Leo... they’re just so memorable.

Which I guess is where we should turn the gushing praise off and begin the critique. (As I once said to an artist, you can find a million words to describe how something is wrong, but describing how it’s good often boils down to just “It’s good.”)

The characters are good... but some of the dialog starts to break down near the end. Gruff Oda, for instance, comes off a bit too polite during his argument with Soren; it it was supposed to be a strained politeness, it just didn’t carry through as such... just seemed unnatural when matched against his growing aggravation.  There were other minor things that jumped out and with small wooden signs reading “This could be better!”... the grand Hatsumoto for instance should have said “I can not blame the child” instead of “I can’t blame the kid.” Just the small change of wording adds a level of wisdom to his voice that I believe you were attempting to portray in his character based on appearance alone. The small details matter.

Speaking of details... is it normal for students to go to a boarding school in Japan and not take any luggage with them? Sure, it may be normal for kitsune children, but that would just be another detail in the strangeness of it all for Soren. It might also provide additional plot points for with Soren’s parents if you wanted to rewrite this as a novella rather than a short story.

And the way his birth parents were handled... good for a short story that wants things short and simple, but has some flaws in the grand scheme of things. Aside from a longer story wanting to add some drama... if his mother added height to the building caused it to be hit by lightening, shouldn’t she as the new highest point have been the one hit by the lightening? Physics aside, there are more dramatic angles you can take with this. What if the lightening wasn’t natural and some folklore evil, like an oni, was after the newborn kit? Then there could have been any of a wide number of reasons for the parents to hide their newborn as a human child who died in the crossfire. One or both of the parents might not have survived to tell the Kagami elders the child might still be alive.

...also how did they know he was a Kagami if he wasn’t being raised by Kagami parents at the time?

But yeah, don’t let all that spoil the image that I really enjoyed the story. I hope there is more written to it one day. Though I might suggest shifting it from the observation of those around Soren from Soren himself. Observing the wonder on Soren’s face rather than reading it in his head could have a bigger impact on some scenes... along with all the awkward clumsiness of being a fox all of a sudden. I can just picture the scene of Fuen watching Soren in bed as the kit shift back to human reflexively in his sleep.

In any event, thank you for sharing. You have no idea the kind of ideas my player has running around in his head at the moment.