Interview with the Dark Lord

[Jonas]

Ok, here's my little writing diversion: you've got a sit-down interview with the former Dark Lord, master of Demons, Conjurer of Shadows, etc. etc. He's retired now and getting on in years, so now he's hung up his Mace of Anquished Souls and is running a small inn at a crossroads.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Post your interview questions here, and I'll write the ex-Lord's response.

[PrincessToyTime]

Ooo, this promises to be amusing! Hmm, if I had to interview some kind of Dark Lord sort... what to ask...
I suppose I'd likely ask just for fun: "What do you think of living toys?"
Probably an odd question to ask someone like him, but, heck, why not?

[Selden]

How do you handle loud, rowdy customers?

(Sorry, but it's the first thing that popped into my mind, and it's such a perfect Selden question!   )

[Virmir]

Do you eat children? Will your retirement affect this stance?

What is your general attitude towards souls?

Were you much for burning villages during your reign? Any advice towards the prospective village-burner?

How do you feel about the Adventurer's Guild Act of Mandatory Helpful Item Placement Within Chests Inside of Dungeons and Strongholds? How about the Obligatory One Escape Route per Holding Cell Mandate?

[Jonas]

"What do you think of living toys?"

*shrugs* Not much, honestly. Those only come up as the result of an unhinged mage doing experiments. Those guys tend to lurk in caves or ancient ruins and get beaten by first-time adventurers. Living toys are good if you want to unhinge the heroes or just annoy them, but I've never really found much inclination to use them myself.

How do you handle loud, rowdy customers?

Spike their drink with huxweed. It's an old dwarven trick. The plant's sap turns poisonous when it interacts with alcohol. Not enough to kill, but it'll keep them quiet for a few hours.

[Tvorsk]

Inn at a crossroads, huh? Ever met Valder, of the Misenchanted Sword?

What are you gonna do when next righteous idiot is going to barge in here and demand you to fight him "to pay for past deeds"?

How did you treat your minions and hirelings? Did your stance on that changed over the years? If so, why?

Big question: Was the whole evil-overlord business a choice, or a happenstance? How did you get into it?

Bonus question: boxers or briefs Robes or scary spiky armor?

[Jonas]

Do you eat children? Will your retirement affect this stance?

There's a saying among villains, "If you kill a child, his parents will be royalty and his brother will be a paladin."
No meal is worth that much headache.

What is your general attitude towards souls?

Nothing beats the flickering glow of a thousand anguished souls. Really sets the mood. Also helps on lighting bills. Only hard part is weeding out the ancient scholars, warriors of legend, and beloved mentors from the mass. 

Were you much for burning villages during your reign? Any advice towards the prospective village-burner?

Burning a town is one of those few times where a Lord can get out of his fortress and stretch his legs. Of course, you can't just do it at random. One thing any successful master of evil knows is how to get the job done without making yourself the next target of every hero in a hundred miles. Easiest way is to be searching for something. You know, an artifact, sword, small child with magical powers, that sort of thing. During the off-seasons I'd sometimes "lose" a few fragments of the Cthonic Key and wait until they found their way into a corner of suburbia.

How do you feel about the Adventurer's Guild Act of Mandatory Helpful Item Placement Within Chests Inside of Dungeons and Strongholds? How about the Obligatory One Escape Route per Holding Cell Mandate?

That's one of the things that's always bugged me. People think we're stupid for putting potions or whatnot in easy reach. Where else would we put them? I'm not going to unseal the Vault of Horrors every time a minion gets stabbed. One time this champion--something Soulbright or Sunbright or the like--asks me why I didn't just have an infirmary and keep all the supplies there. So I show him a map of the citadel and I say, "Four floors, two dungeons, and a planar causeway. If you can think of a central location for an infirmary, then we can skip this whole battle and I'll turn your king back into a man."

He couldn't. So I incinerated him.

As for the escape routes? A myth. Any pre-existing hidden tunnels have always been the result of maitenance getting sloppy. It's why they have such a high turnover rate.

[Zavier]

Any tips on how to keep a giant, ancient, super-powerful pet monster from acting up?

[Jonas]

Inn at a crossroads, huh? Ever met Valder, of the Misenchanted Sword?

Never heard of him.

What are you gonna do when next righteous idiot is going to barge in here and demand you to fight him "to pay for past deeds"?

Sear his flesh into mist and then use the ash that used to be his bones and entrails as fertilizer for my garden.

How did you treat your minions and hirelings? Did your stance on that changed over the years? If so, why?

Oh, that takes me back. Let’s see... I started with the same view as most new villains: get two or three lieutenants, and the rest are cannon fodder hooked on promises of gold. It worked, but wasn’t really sustainable. After a year of pillaging I was down to half a dozen kobolds and one goblin commander. With a force like that, I was easy game for the next adventurer to come stumbling into my base.

I started using monsters after that. Hellhounds are easier to keep loyal; just a scratch on the ear and a bowl of sulfur. After another year of productive terror, I finally had a realization: give, don’t promise. It’s the same as any business arrangement, really. Give a person what they want, and they’ll be more loyal to you. But more importantly, what that person wants has to be something that only you can give, otherwise they’ll leave sooner or later.

Let me give you an example. You know the Siege of Nuzark? Happened about fourty-odd years ago? My forces sacked the fortress and turned it into the first bastion of my evil power? The big thing of that battle was that I broke the walls while atop a Thunder Wyrm. You know how I tamed that thing? I read its poetry. For its one fan, that Wyrm would’ve charged into the empire’s capital, then doubled back to save me from an arrow.

Big question: Was the whole evil-overlord business a choice, or a happenstance? How did you get into it?

Hmm, mostly choice, I think. I started as an adventurer, but I changed tacks after noticing how effective kobolds could be if trained properly. That specific project didn’t last but after the first two raids I decided this was a good way to make a living. I didn’t specifically set out to become an overlord, but once my army got big enough I needed a sizeable place to live. I took Nuzark and then the rest is history.

Bonus question: boxers or briefs Robes or scary spiky armor?

I dress for the occasion. Leading the army means battle plate and sweeping capes, summoning and other rituals means robes.

[Tvorsk]

Unusual for a villain to be that thoughtful. Also unusual for one to live until retirement. I wouldn't bet on that being coincidental.
Thank you for the answers!

* Tvorsk nods, smiles, and frees space for another interviewer.

((Great stuff, Jonas! And I hope the Wyrm's poetry wasn't nearly as bad as Vogon poetry would be..))

[Jonas]

Any tips on how to keep a giant, ancient, super-powerful pet monster from acting up?

They act up when they're bored. Back in my 'tower on the black lake' phase I had a Great Old One held beneath the waters' churning depths. Kept it busy with Rubix cubes and 3D chess.

[Zahule]

How do you handle rival evil overlords trying to steal your land. Also where do you stand on the whole kidnap the princess and keep her alive until the hero rescues her. What advice would you give for avoiding having to do that.

[Raf_Cian]

I have a hero friend whose not only cursed but prophesied to one day rule a layer of hell. It's not a fated corruption thing: his curse is going to land him in hell no matter how saintly he is and overthrowing demon and devils is kind of what he does. Despite the best efforts of certain demonic seers to keep him alive indefinitely... well you know first hand how fragile hero types are. As an adventurer turned overlord, what advice would you have for my friend in the case of his eventual death forcing him into overlordship?

[Jonas]

How do you handle rival evil overlords trying to steal your land.

This goes into the "acting without being a magnet" thing I mentioned earlier. Since any self-respecting villain knows their base is going to be attacked sooner or later, defenses and enemy-repelling plans are common. If a villain attacks another villain, then you'll end up with a drawn-out fight with heroes trying to exploit the distraction. Generally we don't bother, though sometimes a specific site is highly valuable for one reason or another (resources, geography planar anomalies, etc.) and conflicts arise. What typically happens in these instances is a sort of proxy battle. Y'know those random people in the taverns who give out quests? Yea, some of those are our guys. If all you want is the land, then there's no problem with sending a bunch of adventurers to clear out the resistance.

Also where do you stand on the whole kidnap the princess and keep her alive until the hero rescues her. What advice would you give for avoiding having to do that.

Don't kidnap someone unless you absolutely need them for something. It's a terrible idea to keep someone around who would sabotage/attack you at the first chance. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a potential overlord get greedy and snatch a pretty girl a trophy only to have it backfire. Advice to avoid having to do it? Don't get greedy. It's as simple as that. The amount of situations that require a kidnapping are vastly dwarfed by the amount of kidnappings that actually occur. During my reign, I only had to do it once.

[Jonas]

As an adventurer turned overlord, what advice would you have for my friend in the case of his eventual death forcing him into overlordship?

I never died, so I can't give a specific opinion on navigating the underworld. My suggestion would be to get back to the land of the living as soon as possible unless your friend wants his domain to consist exclusively of underworld spheres. Location matters when building an empire of darkness, and it's impossible to do so when not on the same plane as the lands you're conquering.

Oh, and don't try using a cult to exert your will. Cults never work. They're either fanatically loyal to the point of stupidity or filled with too much infighting and ego to be reliable.