Author Topic: Metamor Keep Story Ch. 1  (Read 15153 times)

Kiba

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on: October 25, 2009, 03:19:45 PM
Well... I think it's about time I finally posted my story here on the forums... I've been advised to several times in the past and I've never done it yet... oh well x3 here's chapater one!!


 The morning light woke him once more. He got out of bed with a loud yawn and a long, comfortable stretch before he smacked his lips a few times, and then scratched an itch on his side.  Such was his life here in Trenador. Boring. Except for today, of course. Today was his initiation.

The small village was his home, beautiful in itself being in the mountains… though the people here really creeped him out at times with how fanatical they could be about their God, Itmen.  Itmen was the god of light; the keeper of truth and solace. They were a religious bunch, he, his master, and his brethren together here.  His master (Or teacher) was the most fanatical, eager for him to become a priest to take his place.

He wanted to be a priest. So far he had learned many priestly skills; healing, turning the undead, protection… he also knew some wizardly spells, such as charming, illumination, and casting illusions. Most of his skills were useless in combat, but they could get him out if he needed.

He was a member of a cult… they were the Itmenites, named after their god. Itmen appeared in visions after ingesting powder from their homegrown plants. He didn’t see them growing in the wild, so he thought his master must have purchased them from the villages further south, planting them in his own garden and recycling their seeds each season.

The members of their cult were tattooed at birth, given red marks on their faces. His were like fangs, one on each cheek. Other members had different marks. They were a prediction of years to come… how the tattooed would behave… his future choices and exploits… they were tattooed on by the church orderlies after consorting with Itmen. (These predictions didn’t usually come true, but they practiced this tradition out of… well tradition.)

His given name was Kiba. His level was the ‘unenlightened’, awaiting initiation. Because of the magical skills he had currently, he felt he was a shoo-in for the church. Those who weren’t initiated were sent to meditate until they were enlightened enough to be so. Usually they never became enlightened enough to be a high level, but it wasn’t so uncommon that there were no church members. The church had his master, who was the priest, the priest’s subordinates, who helped run the church, and of course all of the attendees, who were everyone in the village.

The village itself was relatively small. Not many people knew about it. It was barely big enough to call a settlement… There was a church, fifteen houses, one small farm, a well, and one square where there were occasional festivals to celebrate the light. The church looked like it had been there a long time, abandoned years ago. They had built it back up from ruins, whoever ‘they’ were. Master claimed it was Itmen’s people, and they were descended from them. Kiba didn’t argue. He didn’t know a lot about his own village. All of this was in the middle of the mountains on the fringe of the Giantdowns.

Kiba had long brown hair… he would shave it off when he became a priest. It was worth it for such a high stature. His eyes were a brilliant green that his parents were proud of. The Priest said they were from Itmen himself, the way they glow when he smiles. (They don’t really glow, mind you. It’s a figure of speech.) He was five feet and ten inches tall with slender build, not very athletic, but competent.

He was currently in his teen years, on his way to becoming an adult. Or so that’s how he thought himself. By the village’s stature, he was already an adult at 18 years old. He still felt like he had a bit of growing to do before he was actually a grownup. Not that he was childish or anything… He just didn’t feel himself a full adult yet. Everyone else was always telling him that those years were behind him. Already? Nah… they didn’t have to know that, though. He pretended to be a man for them when they were around… for their sake.

“Today’s the day.” He smiles, standing up and shuffling across the room to his wardrobe. He pulls from it his robes. They were solid blue with a cloth belt; also blue… he put on his pendant meant for keeping away evil over the top of them. It was a simple crystal disk with black ink in a complex design beneath the crystal. The ribbon for holding it around his neck was blue as well.

Kiba exited his small hut without eating breakfast. He didn’t know how rough the initiation ritual would be… it might be a better idea not to eat. He trudged up the hill to where the church stood, its tall gray bricks illuminated from the golden sunrise, and rang the doorbell.

“Dingalingalingalingaliiiiiiing!” He cried out as he rang it, laughing. “Hahaha, Master, are you awake!?” He called out. “I, Kiba, wait to be let in!”

The door opened abruptly. “Who goes--!? Oh, it’s you! As early as Itmen’s glory, as usual!” Itmen’s glory, as Master liked to call it, was the sun.

Master was a tall, frail man, nearing the end of his years. He expected Kiba to be the next priest after him because of his advanced abilities. He had a circle tattooed onto his forehead with six lines radiating outward from it at even intervals, symbolic of the sun.

“Yes! I’m ready for my initiation, Master. I want to be the next priest!”

“Patience, patience, Kiba. You can’t rush these things, you know. Come in. Have a seat. There are some things I’d like to discuss with you.”

Kiba stepped over the threshold to the church, entering the smoke-filled cathedral. The scent of incense was thick in the air almost to the point you could pierce it with an arrow. Master lead him to the back room where there was a long table filled with food. Lucky, since Kiba had just been second guessing his choice to skip out on breakfast.

“My boy…” Master began as they begin to have breakfast together. “Times are tough for us at Trenador. Your initiation will not be easy.”

Kiba nodded, taking a bite of bread and downing it with grape juice. “I’m aware of that, Master. I did not expect you to simply hand out initiation to me like a charity.”

“It may be a little more than you have bargained for regardless.”

“What do you mean, Master?”

“You see, Kiba… there comes a time in every man’s life to start a new path… be the first to do something new.”

“What are you getting at?” Kiba asked, feeling completely out of some loop he must have missed.

Master sighed and stood up, folding his hands behind his back. His white robes sweep the ground as he began to pace.

“Your initiation will be the first of its kind, Unenlightened one. You will be the first to attempt the feat I am about to assign you. There will be many more after you, and you will remain a hero for your efforts. But please, don’t take this the wrong way, my pupil. I would never burden you with more than I was sure you were capable of.”

Kiba felt his heart sink slightly. So he was being given an even tougher challenge than he had originally thought. Oh well. That wouldn’t stop him from becoming a priest!

“I’m sure you’re up to what I have in store for you, Kiba.” He sat back down on the other side of the table with a groan, as his old bones were weak.

“You’ll be going southeast. I’ve been there myself a few times before you were born. You’ll know the way by a trail I have set out for you. A series of signposts are waiting to lead you to a campsite I have constructed under the guidance of Itmen. You are to stay there for a fortnight, eating only what I have provided you, which is one of the reasons I have set this meal out today, because it won’t be much.”

“I… see. I understand. The isolation… it’s a test of mind, isn’t it?”

Master gave a curt nod. “Very much so. You’ll be alone, and there will be dangers. One particular danger. Metamor Valley’s curse. The curse that resides around the Keep of the same name. The effects of which are too abominable to utter aloud in this holy building. Know that you will be safe from it. Itmen’s light will shield you from succumbing to its horrors.”

“Then… why must I expose myself if I know my god will protect me?”

“That is the very reason why, Kiba! To put your life into the hands of Itmen. Let him know that you trust him to keep you safe from even the most powerful curse!”

Kiba thinks hard for a moment. “So… it really won’t be all that hard, will it? I’ll be able to try the plants that summon Itmen, won’t I?” Every initiation ritual involved those plants. It was the first time any new priest or subordinate was allowed to try them. Non-members of the church were forbidden from even touching them.

“Indeed. You’ll find some at the camp. But now I must outfit you for your journey.”

“I thought my robes were what you wanted me to wear, Master.” Said Kiba, confused.

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about your wardrobe, Kiba. Come.” With a small grunt, he sat up again and led Kiba to a bookshelf.

“This is my workshop, Kiba. Where I consort with Itmen and use his Glory’s light to accomplish many otherwise impossible tasks.” He stepped on a loose cobblestone next to the bookshelf and it slid to the side with a loud screeching noise that grated on Kiba’s ears. Behind it was a portal to a long hallway leading into the ground. So he had secrets…

“Come! I’ll lead the way.” Master took a torch from a sconce just inside the door and put it next to one of the candles that were on the table. A few moments later it ignited, casting an orange glow on the leftovers of the table.

“Now let’s go.” He proceeded to head down the tunnel, holding the torch high above his head. The torch lit several feet ahead of him to let him see his way.

Kiba cautiously followed his master down the tunnel, making sure to watch his step. He wondered what kind of dark secrets Master must have to have to hide it behind such a guarded disguise.

When the two finally reached the end of the tunnel, Master placed the torch in an empty sconce on the inside wall of the room, illuminating a small workshop. There was a table in the middle with several contraptions. There was a pile of small lead balls, sawdust, and some very strange glass disks that were thicker in the middle than they were on the edges. Everything looked bigger when he looked through them.

 Against the wall under a window was another table. Light poured through the window generously. Apparently the ground had sloped downward with them, because the roof was only a foot above the earth. Support beams held it up at even intervals along the walls. He figured they must be somewhere just outside the village.

On the table that Kiba had just been looking at were what appeared to be steel clamps that looked like they belonged in a smithy.  There were more of those strange magnifying disks on this table, too. Master was currently rummaging through a tall closet on the other side of the room.

“Aha!” He exclaimed as he pulled out a short staff with an ornate ball on the end made of crystal. It was protected by a wooden cage swirling around and meeting at the top, where there was a golden sun embedded, holding it all together. The staff itself was slightly knobbed in some places, but the effect made it look graceful.

“This, my boy, is for you. It’s meant for channeling your powers. The crystal at the top, here, will slightly intensify any Lyte you ever wish to use. Not by much, but it still makes a difference after time.”

Lyte was the power that Itmenites used. It was the natural energy flowing through the air. It had a different flavor than that of magic because instead of coming from spirits and one’s own soul, it came from the environment… more particularly from Itmen’s Glory and the Glory’s children. It was a difficult thing to learn to use, and it was their secret. He was a Lytemage, a user of Lyte. When the Glory wasn’t in the sky and there was no fire, they could use magic, but they preferred to use their god’s gift.

Kiba took the staff and stared at it with wide eyes. His own staff! It was beautiful… he ran his hand down the side, feeling the wood. It was lightweight but very strong. It was too short for him to use as a proper staff, being three feet long, but that wasn’t a problem. It made it easier to wield and aim it at opposing enemies… though he hoped he wouldn’t have to fight anyone any time soon. As mentioned earlier… he wasn’t a fighter.

“I love it, Master!” He held it up to the light for a better look at its beauty.

“I need it back, Kiba. Itmen still must bless it.”

He handed it back to Master, disappointed to have it out of his hands. Master put it in the smithy clamps and gently tightened them on it, setting up the magnifying disks above it. As the light passed through the disks it refracted and hit the staff at a point, concentrating directly on its wood.

“Itmen is gazing upon your instrument, my student. Let him take his time.” He gestures to a chair in the corner of the room. “Wait there and I shall call you when it is ready.”

Kiba went to the chair, the wood creaking in protest as he sat down on it. He put his hands on his knees, bouncing them a little and drumming his fingertips. It was hard to wait when his initiation journey was so close. Eventually his mind began to wander to what it would be like being a priest. He saw himself standing in front of all the people of Trenador, preaching of Itmen’s power and grace. He would heal and bless all of his neighbors… everyone would look up to him. Even Itmen himself wou-

“It’s ready!” Master’s voice cut into his thoughts of grandeur. He shook his head to clear them away and looked to where Master was standing, the staff in his hands. He saw a thin wisp of smoke come off the staff and dissipate in the air.

“Come closer, Kiba.” He waved him over with his free hand.

Kiba got off the chair, making it groan loudly again as his weight shifted, and approached his master. He was handed the staff, which had been polished while he was daydreaming. How long had it been? It seemed like just a few hours. What caught his eye was what was written on… no, burned into… the staff itself.

K

I

B

A

                His name… the staff really WAS his…

                “Master... I cannot thank you enough!” He smiled.

“Complete your initiation, that’s all I ask of you.”

“I will, Master! I will!” He hugged the old man lightly, who chuckled and pats his back.

                 “There, there, my boy. You have to go now. May the power of Itmen guide you to enlightenment! But before you go, take this.” He reached into his tunic and withdrew a small red velvet bag with a string tied around the top.

                “This sacred powder will reverse any curses that befall you. If you fall victim to Metamor’s curse, ingest the contents of this bag. It will undo its evils and purify your spirit. But I give you this warning.” He pointed at the bag. “Do not, under ANY circumstances, use this if you do not need it! Promise me this!”

                “I promise, Master.” Said Kiba, tucking the bag into his robes. He gives his teacher one last hug before departing… what could be in that bag that was so dangerous to use if he wasn’t afflicted with Metamor’s curse? What was Metamor Valley? Or Metamor Keep, for that matter? He’d never heard of any of it… he’d find out in time, he supposed.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2009, 03:23:09 PM by Virmir »

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Geary

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Reply #1 on: October 25, 2009, 03:46:17 PM
!!!AWESOME!!!

Keep being it.

Geary: That means you get a companion for four levels, then it gets an upgrade.
Draykin: A very PAINFUL upgrade.
* Digital_Vulpine eeps, since the rules don't specify that I'm exempt from the psychic link that Wizards have with their familiars. o_o;
Geary: GET YOUR PET DRUNK.


Kiba

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Reply #2 on: October 25, 2009, 03:50:02 PM
* Kibaoftheleaves is flattered <3

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Lopez

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Reply #3 on: October 25, 2009, 08:51:15 PM
*pokes Kiba*

Hi! You MUST have known that by posting a story here you've opened it up to me! ]:) Unfortunately (Fortunately?) I don't have TOO much to analyze, but here goes.

This is a basic description of a character, and includes the character's motive. Obviously, this character wants to become a priest, be powerful like that, but also useful to others, blah...blah....

Your character is very likable, a happy-go-lucky individual who strives for success, but also a little bit full of himself. He should have an interesting awakening upon reaching Metamor Keep, I can say that much.

Constructive criticism!

Past/Present tense.

Quote
“Today’s the day.” He smiles, standing up and shuffling across the room to his wardrobe. He pulls from it his robes. They were solid blue with a cloth belt; also blue… he put on his pendant meant for keeping away evil over the top of them. It was a simple crystal disk with black ink in a complex design beneath the crystal. The ribbon for holding it around his neck was blue as well.

Present Tense is in italics, past is in bold. This just needs a little bit of editing, not too much. It does hurt the flow of the story a bit if you don't fix it, though. It's easy to fix, though, so no worries. ]:)

The opening section is a description; I know this. But, there are ways to make it more interesting. For example, you use a lot of ...village was...He was...members were...name was...etc. This is fine, but a bit bland. You can spice things up by using personal anecdotes from the character.

For example: Sure, you describe your character as "...he wasn’t a fighter." But what about that time when that cat with rabies got into his house so he hid from it and only went out to attack it after it started chasing his younger brother? Or what about the time when the other kid stole from him and instead of attacking him back he just ran away? Little details like this can really bring a character alive inside the reader's mind.

I hope to see what happens to this character. A-ha-ha the curses soon to befall you, 18-year-old Kiba... ]:P

((Post analysis: Are you intending to write in past or present tense?))

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Fen

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Reply #4 on: October 26, 2009, 08:03:42 AM
hooray for public writing!

When was the last time you hugged your sammich?


Geary

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Reply #5 on: October 26, 2009, 02:09:48 PM
You do need to stick with a single tense. Otherwise it gets confusing...

Geary: That means you get a companion for four levels, then it gets an upgrade.
Draykin: A very PAINFUL upgrade.
* Digital_Vulpine eeps, since the rules don't specify that I'm exempt from the psychic link that Wizards have with their familiars. o_o;
Geary: GET YOUR PET DRUNK.


Kiba

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Reply #6 on: October 26, 2009, 03:05:17 PM
*pokes Kiba*

Hi! You MUST have known that by posting a story here you've opened it up to me! ]:) Unfortunately (Fortunately?) I don't have TOO much to analyze, but here goes.

This is a basic description of a character, and includes the character's motive. Obviously, this character wants to become a priest, be powerful like that, but also useful to others, blah...blah....

Your character is very likable, a happy-go-lucky individual who strives for success, but also a little bit full of himself. He should have an interesting awakening upon reaching Metamor Keep, I can say that much.

Constructive criticism!

Past/Present tense.

Quote
“Today’s the day.” He smiles, standing up and shuffling across the room to his wardrobe. He pulls from it his robes. They were solid blue with a cloth belt; also blue… he put on his pendant meant for keeping away evil over the top of them. It was a simple crystal disk with black ink in a complex design beneath the crystal. The ribbon for holding it around his neck was blue as well.

Present Tense is in italics, past is in bold. This just needs a little bit of editing, not too much. It does hurt the flow of the story a bit if you don't fix it, though. It's easy to fix, though, so no worries. ]:)

The opening section is a description; I know this. But, there are ways to make it more interesting. For example, you use a lot of ...village was...He was...members were...name was...etc. This is fine, but a bit bland. You can spice things up by using personal anecdotes from the character.

For example: Sure, you describe your character as "...he wasn’t a fighter." But what about that time when that cat with rabies got into his house so he hid from it and only went out to attack it after it started chasing his younger brother? Or what about the time when the other kid stole from him and instead of attacking him back he just ran away? Little details like this can really bring a character alive inside the reader's mind.

I hope to see what happens to this character. A-ha-ha the curses soon to befall you, 18-year-old Kiba... ]:P

((Post analysis: Are you intending to write in past or present tense?))

Actually I've been trying to edit out all those nasty changing tenses for a while... seems no matter how many times I do some manage to slip through x3.. But yeah, I've been meaning to do it in the past tense throughout the story.

I love people. Especially nice people. Especially nice people who give me bellyrubs. <3