Author Topic: Musings...  (Read 20366 times)

Bowie

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on: November 19, 2008, 11:45:03 PM
   A while back, I had a bit of inspiration, and being a D&D addict, I put my thoughts in terms of a mesh between D&D-esque style and d20 Modern context. It may be a dumb idea, but I wondered to myself if I could take some mildly humorous characters and write a completely serious story with them. My audience would be very limited, since D&D nerds usually aren't thrilled with cute characters, and anyone who would might get a little lost without knowing how D&D works (even if I avoid using any terminology in the story). Finally, the opening to what I have right now does not describe what the characters look like sufficiently without a brief background. ...And so, since I'd rather have the opinion of a few, rather than posting it on Gleemax and having a bunch of random people spamming hate at me, I'd like to hear your opinion on it. Be harsh. Be critical. I want to hear anything you notice as a reader; since that's the only way that I know what I'm doing wrong. (PS This is set in modern day generic earth etc if you can't tell) Let me know of anything that I assume the reader knows. I hope to make it something that anyone can pick up. It may also be that some of the things mentioned here will not hurt if they are completely left out.

-Zero is an Aluminum Golem (or Pop Can Golem) with the Soulfused Construct template (soulfused being found in the book Magic of Incarnum): giving him the Living Construct subtype, and making him a viable player character. Though he does not need to sleep, he needs to rest so he can prepare his Repair Damage spells (found in the Eberron Campaign Setting book, along with the living construct subtype). I haven't decided on what spellcasting class he has, but he definitely has more levels in Survivor or some other defensive class. I liked the idea of a Pop Can Golem because it's a bit humorous, but mostly because pop cans are small, like him, and are fairly modern. His idea was derived from the unstoppable Iron Golem, with a similar breath attack. Since pop is acidic, well...
-Alex, a stuffed bunny, was both animated and awakened by the cataclysmic event that kicked off his adventure. Animated Object is a creature found near the beginning of the Monster Manual, whereas Awaken Construct is a spell found in the book Savage Species.
-The duo both carry a few things with them. Alex carries a +1 flaming kitchen knife that he wields like a greatsword. The reader finds out later that Zero gave it to him when they met, and likely was the one that enchanted it. Alex also carries a small notepad and a pencil. To pass the time, he writes what he can remember about his first experiences. Zero, along with a few other miscellaneous items, carries an enchanted garbage can lid that he uses as a shield. It looks cumbersome in his hands, since it is about twice the height of him in diameter, but he knows how to wield it very effectively.

ECS:Eberron Campaign Setting
MM: Monster Manual
MoI:Magic of Incarnum
SS: Savage Species



   The room was blue, with white curtains.  Red lace ran around their edges.  They were open, and the sun shone through them.  The floor, worn from years of play, was a beautiful burnished oak.  One of this room's corners held a elegant but rumpled bed.  I always thought it was a nice one; it was very soft, and we played on it often.  There was a bookcase in the corner next to it; across from me; filled with books.  I often wished that I could see what was inside of them.  Me?  I sat on a shelf, along with a few other toys, giving me a perfect view of the room. 
   And then it happened. 
   I can’t remember much afterwards, but I’ll try as best I can.  I can't say I knew all of this at the time; I had to learn quite a bit afterwards; but this is as best as I can describe it:  Magic was just starting to show itself to the general populace.  There were some who have been tinkering with it for quite some time before, but at this time many more were beginning to realize how influential it could be. 
   Bernard Latch, the one who you could say was my inadvertent creator, was an accomplished artificer and magician.  His basement lab had become the site of many famous inventions, and he spent quite a bit if his time down there.  He was very fascinated in the animation of objects, and Lucille, Bernard's wife, couldn’t complain enough about tripping over his multitudes of jumping, flying, and shambling little creations.  His daughter of seven years, Sarah, loved to have fun with dad’s “toys”, much to his disdain.  She would always make sure I had my dose of her attention, of course.  I didn’t mind; it was something to do.  I guess I had thought that this would last forever...
   There was going to be a big experiment downtown, and Bernard had decided to go; so, he left the house while his wife watched their daughter.  Sarah wanted to play, and naturally I was her first choice.  That day I didn’t really feel like playing, but it was not as if I could refuse. Heh, I suppose that I could get a pretty big reaction out of her if that were possible.  In any case, she was having a great time and it was hard to stay annoyed when she was so happy.  Later in the day her mom brought her fresh cookies and “we” ate.  I was jealous; she was able to taste something that brought her so much joy. 
   It got later, and, as per usual, Bernard was late coming home. The previously sunny day had become overcast, darkening the skies with an eerie lavender hue.  If I had hair, it would have been standing on end.  There was no storm predicted in the news, yet I heard faint rumblings in the distance.  That's when my entire world changed. 


***

   Alex set down his pencil stub and glanced up at the sky.  The weather was the same as that fateful day: dark clouds canvasing the entire sky, interrupted only by the occasional flash and it's accompanying rumble.  Zero had apparently finished whatever he was doing, as when Alex looked down to where he was, he was standing silently, staring at Alex with his phosphorescent eyes.  As always, his face revealed nothing of his thoughts: showing the traits of any other golem, Zero did not speak or offer his opinions.  Alex often wondered what thoughts go through his mind, and why Zero chose to follow him.  Alex and Zero came from the same place; that was the only evidence offered. 
Deciding that that was all he could write that day, Alex got up and tied his notebook back on and picked up his knife.  He had decided to write his thoughts, since there was no one else to share them with:  Zero was a good companion, but if he had any interest in conversation he didn't express it.  He was a good listener when he had to be, and waited patiently whenever Alex had something to say.  Alex would often think aloud as they traveled.  He felt the two of them had some sort of connection to each other when they talked, and could almost feel Zero acknowledge each of his statements. 
   Zero clipped his shield onto his back, and fell in step next to Alex.  Quickly scanning the horizon, with compass in hand, Zero pointed in a direction slightly north of due east; which Alex assumed meant the next segment of the fastest path to their destination.  Following Zero's advice, and his step, Alex turned in the indicated direction.  The landscape, mostly consisting of dirt and rubble, began to bore Alex, and so he began practicing a new hopping technique he had been working on.  Zero, unsurprisingly, continued to ignore his friend's attempts to chop imaginary foes from midair.  As he had always done, Zero constantly pointed his gaze toward their destination, and after a few hours of walking, gestured to a structure he noticed appear on the horizon. 

***

   I'm not sure how long it was until I awoke.  It took me quite some time to realize that I could move; a piece of cement shifted and I put my paws up to keep it from falling on to me.  I guess between the shock of moving for the first time and being pinned under a rock I didn't dare do anything for a long while afterwards.  Curiosity getting the best of me, though, I reached out and touched the craggy surface weighing down on me. Weird.  The divots and points, the soft rasping as I stroked it's surface...  I was flat on my back, and didn't have a good view of much other than the violet haze brewing above me, so, in order to get a better look at what was around me, I hefted the stone off.  Though I had a hard time, I was still surprised at how strong I was.  My strength didn't stop what happened...
   Ruin.  I felt sick.  Houses, streets, cities, dreams; completely destroyed.  I stood where I once held so many memories – the living room, downstairs – and cried.  I didn't know what to do; there was no one there, no reason to go, no reason to stay, and nothing for me to think about...  I looked around and saw that my world was empty. And then I realized. The world is empty!  I ran about what was left of the house: no one was to be found. This gave me hope; this gave me a reason, a purpose; my mission was to find Sarah, and I knew that this was how I'd be happy. 

***

   A pencil in one paw, a notebook in the other.  Alex's vision cleared as he returned from the past, and he looked around.  Zero was doing something with the bodies of those creatures that the two of them had slain.  Thinking to the more recent past, Alex remembered them when they were still breathing; the creatures had thought the duo was unawares when they attacked.  Alex and Zero had dodged, Alex meeting one of their backs with his trusty knife, searing metal cleaving through the rough sinuous flesh, and Zero cracking one in the skull with the whirling edge of his shield.  They dropped quickly.  The other three showed a little more finesse.  Alex felt one of his ears tear, and a blinding light shot through his head.  Zero rushed to Alex and dropped to one knee; shield at the ready.  Alex, bleary-eyed and pissed, jumped over Zero's shield and flung his knife at the first one he could find.  Alex realized how smart his choice was when the creature yelped and jumped away, having been nicked on the knee.  Alex swore and chased towards his pointy companion; Zero, shield held above his head, in close pursuit.  The two other creatures leaped onto his steel bastion and skittered, trying to stay on, until they flopped onto the ground behind him.  Zero spun around and Alex recovered his steel. 
   Alex's target, just as upset as himself, snapped at him and recoiled; having accidentally bitten Alex's blade.  Alex smirked, happy that he wasn't the only one having a bad day – when Zero slammed into his side.  Alex looked in the direction of the impact and saw the crinkled lid laying on the ground ahead of his partner: presumably he had lost it after the two fiends head butted it full-force.  Alex and his opponent, after shaking off their shock, both stepped into another attack. Alex let the ground slide underneath him, dropped onto his right shoulder, and swung.  The creature screamed and choked as the stainless point tore through it's throat; singing through the air.  The creature, dying mid-flight, slid to a stop at Alex's feet.  Alex got the full force of it's tail, however, and knew that if he could get bruises, his face would be a pulpy mess.  Zero had gotten up and began to run toward Alex when one of the remaining two beasts tackled him.  Zero gave it a powerful bash with the back of his steely fist and began to get up.  Alex, seeing his friend in danger, dashed from his face full of dirt and broken scales to meet the next one aiming for Zero.  Hoping that he could at least meet steel to some part of the screaming barrage of teeth and claws, Alex wheeled his knife upwards, scraping through the dirt until it met leather and tendons.  Between the lizard and Zero, Alex guardedly watched it howl in agony; cradling it's forearm against it's chest.  Alex heard a smash behind him and turned around in time to see zero blasting the other creature with that familiar brown goo.  It staggered backwards off of Zero; face, chest, and arms melting and smoldering.  Collapsing to the ground, croaking a pathetic cry, Zero calmly stepped up to it and pressed his foot down on it's throat. 
   The last one had apparently split, and so the duo decided to set up camp there.  After a minute of preparation, Zero began his work on Alex.  He closed his eyes and let the warmth of Zero's spell wash over him: Slowly the stitches began to reform, and the searing pain subsided into a dull ache.  When Zero finished, the two split up into their usual activities.  After jotting down his thoughts, and musing for a while, Alex got up and checked up on his counterpart's activities.  Zero appeared to be meditating.  Alex never saw him angry, but not wanting to disturb him, Alex went back to his notebook in hopes of more inspiration. 

***

   I had to find out where to look; I had to find out what happened – and to do that I needed to know where to start. After some searching, I found a pamphlet about the conference Sarah's father was at during the cataclysm.  A rough map of the nearby crossroads was on the back, which was a start. 
   Downtown was a depressing sight, even from a distance.  Amidst the mounds of rubble were a few monoliths – once towering over the landscape – now looming over their fallen brethren. The upper half of one colossal structure had been shorn away and was leaning against another – that's where I had to be. 
   On my long journey there, I met with something of the weirdest sort.  A small pack of reptilian creatures were crowded together near the middle of an intersection.  As I approached I noticed that they were fighting over a dead squirrel – and they noticed me. 
   The knowledge of these things that I have now would have saved me a lot of trouble.  The entire pack abandoned their meal and tore down the pavement with razor teeth barred.  I wasn't stupid; I knew they weren't so eager to meet me just to say hello – I was already running as I spun on my heel. 
   I didn't know I could run that fast!  I tried to lose them in some downed trees and ducked into the ruins of the closest house.  Apparently they are only interested in something that moves or smells like food.  Because I laid as still as I could, I was neither when one found me.  They must've thought I was something else; they searched for quite a while afterwards. 
   The remaining trek towards the city was mostly uneventful, though I made sure not to run into any more malign acquaintances.  Downtown itself was a different story.  As I approached its limits I saw some sort of storm winding around the crumbling streets.  The howling winds unapparent from afar were littered with some unnatural debris: bodies.  Thousands of wispy visages and ethereal arms whisked through the winds like smoke blown away by torrential gusts of wind.  These people or whatever they are looked pained – as if enduring some horrible torture; yet they were silent: the wind itself being the only sound. 


***

« Last Edit: December 08, 2008, 09:52:59 PM by Bowie »

Asperger's opens as many doors as it closes.  Damn doors.
Alas...


Lopez

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Reply #1 on: November 20, 2008, 07:08:54 PM
Funky. But done surprisingly well. I didn't have too many "WHAT THE BEEP IS GOING ON" moments.

I didn't really tell too much that it was a D&D story or whatnot. The focus is on the characters, where it should be. Honestly, I had no clue what you were talking about in the introduction, but the story made sense (enough) nevertheless. Good job there.

However, one thing that REALLY needs explanation is the characters. See, you wrote an "introduction" to the characters, which is nice, but it's not in the actual story. My suggestion would be to include two paragraphs describing each of the two characters. Remember to include details about the characters that tell you about the characters, not just a top-down visual image, (are his eyes caring, or cold and lifeless? Is he blue or pink? What could that symbolize? Etc. Etc.)

Also be careful where you place the line: "And then it happened." That TOTALLY threw me off for the first journal section. Because then I said, "Wait, what happened? Aren't you going to tell me?" It's just not quite fitting in right there. The start of your story represents the old ways, the old methods, which will be changed by your last line, "That's when my entire world changed." Putting an earlier line in doesn't fit very well.

In addition, on the subject of "it's" vs. "its." I just kind of saw you using these, and don't worry, "it's" a common mistake. And least you're not confusing their, there, and they're.

"It's" is used as a contraction of "It is." However, when you want to indicate a possessive, you write "Its," without the apostraphe. Like: "...and pressed his foot down on its throat."

Good work so far, keep writing, and join Fictionpress.com. It beats posting on a forum where your story will inevitably dissapear one day. Good luck!

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Bowie

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Reply #2 on: November 20, 2008, 08:11:15 PM
...no clue what you were talking about in the introduction, but the story made sense (enough)
Very good.  It was my intent to distance myself from outside knowledge.  Eventually, I hope to explain anything absolutely necessary and remove the remaining prerequisites.

Quote
...one thing that REALLY needs explanation is the characters...
Yeah, this was a fault that I recognized from the beginning. This being a first draft, i intend to revise the first two sections to create a better visualization of the main characters with my next shot at it. The descriptions that I provided before the story are not intended to be included. It's my job now to render it obsolete. (this may end up a process, so bear with me)

Quote
..."And then it happened."... ..."That's when my entire world changed."...
Ah! good eyes. This is why I like the viewpoint of others. I will delete the first instance. As for the second, I like your reaction. I was going for a wtf kinda cliffhanger. If the first line is supposed to be the hook, this is supposed to be when I jerk the line.

Quote
..."it's" vs. "its."...
Everyone runs into typos now and then, having another person look at it lets me fix the spots that i miss.

Quote
...Fictionpress.com...
Heh, is it a coincidence that fantasy is the biggest section (besides general)? I've heard of this, but never checked it out. I'll do that, but my excuse for here was that this is a small enough place that faces aren't anonymous; I might be able to know who is talking to me.

Just in case you couldn't tell (I really should stop doing this) I'm starting the story in the middle. Separating each current section should be a journal entry, where the story switches from third person to first. If things go as I intended, the event immediately preceding the first chapter(-like thingy) should be in the final journal entry; immediately before the last section. This should be a novella at the longest, likely to be a short story.

[edit]
And I had hoped to attach it as a DOC or RTF file so as not to make this thread grotesquely long, but I couldn't find any attachment feature, and I haven't bothered to make any file-sharing account or anything. icanhas enlightenment plx?
[/edit]
« Last Edit: November 20, 2008, 08:16:33 PM by Bowie »

Asperger's opens as many doors as it closes.  Damn doors.
Alas...


Virmir

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Reply #3 on: November 20, 2008, 08:45:33 PM
You beat me to the punch.  I was thinking of creating a writing forum specifically for posting stories and story snippets, since writing is another hobby of mine. [:)

Go ahead for grotesque long-ness.  It's easier to comment on specific sections of your story that way, and people are more likely to read text that appears in front of them rather than what they need to download. 

I rather enjoyed this.  I too have no idea what in blazes all that DnD stuff means (though I pick up bits and pieces from overheard conversations on occasion, heh...) but Lopez is right.  I didn't need to know any of that to understand what was happening.  And the characters are fresh, original and fun.  Good stuff!

I just have some very minor suggestions, since this is already a solid piece of work.

Quote
The room was blue, with white curtains.  Red lace ran around their edges.  They were open, and the sun shone through them.  The floor, worn from years of play, was a beautiful burnished oak. 

I would open up the story in active voice rather than passive.  Active voice grabs the reader's attention and throws him/her into the story, which is critical in your first few sentences.  I'd write the above like this:

Sunlight poured through the open windows, glistening through the red-laced white curtains and spilling upon the radiant blue walls.  Blemishes from years of play marred the beautiful burnished oak floor.

Secondly, the fight scene is good, but you have it crammed into one giant paragraph.  I would split it up based on who's performing the action at the moment to make things easier to follow.

Looks good, altogether!  Can't wait to read more. [:)

[fox] Virmir


Bowie

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Reply #4 on: November 20, 2008, 10:02:11 PM
You beat me to the punch.  I was thinking of creating a writing forum specifically for posting stories and story snippets, since writing is another hobby of mine. [:)
Sign me up! Sounds like RPing, but not lame (am I mean?).

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...Go ahead for grotesque long-ness...
Thanks. Appreciated.

Quote
...I just have some very minor suggestions...
This is exactly why I started this thread. Again, appreciated.

Quote
...active voice rather than passive...
*thief* your words are now MINE! Muah
I've been meaning to de-noob the first few lines; thanks. Though it may not be word-for-word, I will still list you as a source of inspiration. This being a draft, I'm not going to feel bad about mixing it up a bit (I'll have to, really).

Quote
...crammed into one giant paragraph...
Yeah, it originally was really one big paragraph; that entire section was split twice. I'm going to tweak it with some stronger transitional concepts so that I can separate ideas a bit better. Part of my struggle while writing this section was to make paragraphs long enough. Well, look where that got me...

Asperger's opens as many doors as it closes.  Damn doors.
Alas...


KaiAdin

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Reply #5 on: November 27, 2008, 05:49:45 AM
[edit]
And I had hoped to attach it as a DOC or RTF file so as not to make this thread grotesquely long, but I couldn't find any attachment feature, and I haven't bothered to make any file-sharing account or anything. icanhas enlightenment plx?
[/edit]

A bit late, but the board software does have an attachment function, but I suspect that it hasn't been enabled by Virmir.

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Bowie

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Reply #6 on: December 08, 2008, 09:49:56 PM
Ah, a small morsel: I plan to have a better taste for you as soon as I can get my brain reorganized...
...and my harddrive...

[edit] Though much less so in my writing, I have a tendency to go off on tangents, become redundant, and over explain my thoughts. Bear this in mind when critiquing my work; I want to keep the correct pace for each given moment throughout the storyline.  [/edit]
« Last Edit: December 08, 2008, 10:22:53 PM by Bowie »

Asperger's opens as many doors as it closes.  Damn doors.
Alas...