Took my player awhile to get around to reading this. He should really just add you to the list of authors whom he reads everything they write whether he thinks he’ll be interested or not.
First thing, the concept is very good. Don’t let Harry Potter deter you into thinking it’s somehow uninspired. Harry Potter didn’t invent the magical school troupe; it just went main stream with it. A school full of kitsunes learning to blend in with humanity is a very creative idea, and fully keeping the Japanese identity was a wonderful touch... even if I do get a sense of disconnect being an American and not knowing what is standard practice in a Japanese school and where the kitsune element sinks in.
Character wise I loved all of them, but especially Soren and the way he was borderline freaking out half the time yet somehow not sticking out at all. All of them, at least those who got some development, deserve at least some praise... Fuen, Oda, Leo... they’re just so memorable.
Which I guess is where we should turn the gushing praise off and begin the critique. (As I once said to an artist, you can find a million words to describe how something is wrong, but describing how it’s good often boils down to just “It’s good.”)
The characters are good... but some of the dialog starts to break down near the end. Gruff Oda, for instance, comes off a bit too polite during his argument with Soren; it it was supposed to be a strained politeness, it just didn’t carry through as such... just seemed unnatural when matched against his growing aggravation. There were other minor things that jumped out and with small wooden signs reading “This could be better!”... the grand Hatsumoto for instance should have said “I can not blame the child” instead of “I can’t blame the kid.” Just the small change of wording adds a level of wisdom to his voice that I believe you were attempting to portray in his character based on appearance alone. The small details matter.
Speaking of details... is it normal for students to go to a boarding school in Japan and not take any luggage with them? Sure, it may be normal for kitsune children, but that would just be another detail in the strangeness of it all for Soren. It might also provide additional plot points for with Soren’s parents if you wanted to rewrite this as a novella rather than a short story.
And the way his birth parents were handled... good for a short story that wants things short and simple, but has some flaws in the grand scheme of things. Aside from a longer story wanting to add some drama... if his mother added height to the building caused it to be hit by lightening, shouldn’t she as the new highest point have been the one hit by the lightening? Physics aside, there are more dramatic angles you can take with this. What if the lightening wasn’t natural and some folklore evil, like an oni, was after the newborn kit? Then there could have been any of a wide number of reasons for the parents to hide their newborn as a human child who died in the crossfire. One or both of the parents might not have survived to tell the Kagami elders the child might still be alive.
...also how did they know he was a Kagami if he wasn’t being raised by Kagami parents at the time?
But yeah, don’t let all that spoil the image that I really enjoyed the story. I hope there is more written to it one day. Though I might suggest shifting it from the observation of those around Soren from Soren himself. Observing the wonder on Soren’s face rather than reading it in his head could have a bigger impact on some scenes... along with all the awkward clumsiness of being a fox all of a sudden. I can just picture the scene of Fuen watching Soren in bed as the kit shift back to human reflexively in his sleep.
In any event, thank you for sharing. You have no idea the kind of ideas my player has running around in his head at the moment.
