Author Topic: The Overgrown Lands - Under the Apple Tree  (Read 14675 times)

Donnie

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on: June 24, 2009, 10:40:15 PM
A glint of light and steel as the rising sun slowly climbs over the distant ocean horizon. A single sharp curved blade, a katana, was struck into the ground overlooking the sea on a small cliff about fifty or so feet above sea level. A small distance away a vulpinous figure lays under a large apple tree roughly in line with both the blade and the sun. The vulpine felt it rather fitting for the moment.

He was Hanse, a Silray. Fox-like features aside he had silver fur throughout his body with black ears and paws and black head hair that streaked down his back to the base of his tail, a bit of gray near the tip of the tail which ends in black as well, and a white belly. Quite frankly, aside from the bright, shiny, and silvery fur, he had very distinct red eyes. As if to complement his natural, and rather rare, appearance, he wore a simple white silk robe and hakama pants with red stripes lining the edges of the outfit.

Hanse too a very deep breath and let it out slowly. This was to be the last day home before he had to leave in search of 'honor'. He closed his eyes and nodded off, thinking of sleeping off his troubles. 'Bring honor to the family name' he was told to do, and the time draws close to when he'll have to leave home in search of it. A terribly vague goal he thought, nothing could be more difficult or obscure a goal such as that. But what could he do, he thought, after all it was tradition. Everyone in his homeland had to go on a journey to bring recognition to their family. Whether it was to find an appropriate gift, perform good deeds, or any of the sort, everyone had honor to bring back home. But as for Hanse... he wasn't so sure. Being a combat sort of type, there aren't many out there who need him or even rarer are those needs which are honorable.

Hanse nodded off into a dream moments later, dreaming of his usual fantasies... sharp steel and epic showdowns. He was a Silray and being a Silray he had a mental condition that was signature to all Silray.... incredible dedication and a savvy towards a particular subject... his was swords, steel, and glory. Wheres he failed miserably in classes of logic he excelled in technique and combat. He dreamed of fighting evil, protecting the weak, and eating a large juicy steak. He drooled for a bit in his sleep... till he began having a slight nightmare... milk.

He wiggled a bit on the tree, shivering and rolling about. A small gust of wind and PLOP, something hit Hanse on the head and forced him from his sleep. He woke yelling out loudly and looking about in shock. Seeing nothing around him he calmed a bit and looked down, seeing the culprit. A red apple had fallen on his head. It was rather large too. He stood up and stretched a bit.

At least you aren't a green apple. I hate green apples! Blargh! He thought.

 He walked forward and pulled his blade from the grass and slid it into the sheath behind his waist. This was to be the last day he'd be here for a long long time. He figured he might as well  enjoy every last minute of the day he had. Whether it'd be eating a cuisine all day, escaping the Ninja Student's antics, or training, he didn't really care. Though he had to wonder... what would life be like here when he left?

He walked back to his home, a large manor estate amidst many other large homes in a fairly large village. More of a town than a village though. His homeland lies in the Western Provinces, a large continent west of the  huge chain of small islands and large island countries. This area of the Western Provinces showed a great deal of oriental architecture. Colorful curved wooden structures and canvas walls, sleeping mats and floor tables.

Hanse waved and said hello to the local maid, who returned the wave in kind.

Enjoy that wave while it lasts... I'm gone by tonight... He thought.

And indeed... that night he was on a boat headed out to sea... out to find honor and somehow bring it back home.



MHD

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Reply #1 on: June 25, 2009, 06:06:51 AM
This is a really good story, please, do continue it.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.


D. Ein

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Reply #2 on: June 25, 2009, 09:11:19 AM
Too early to make an opinion, but an excellent start!

However, I think that you occasionally get blurred perspective - "More of a town than the village, though." - that seems like it would belong in first person, while the rest of the story is in third. Great start nevertheless, I'm looking forward to reading the next part!

!!!! , ...

Subject No. III VI +


Feathertail

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Reply #3 on: June 25, 2009, 10:30:21 AM
I like that last sentence. ^.^ And the rest of the story seems to carry that mood as well. (Although I'm not sure why he's afraid of milk!)

You might want to find ways to "show rather than tell" for the next chapters, if you can. Think of it like a movie, and consider how you'd get things across to the viewer without having a narrator. It might be a fun exercise!

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Virmir

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Reply #4 on: June 25, 2009, 08:19:00 PM
Looks like a good start to me. [:)

You start out in present tense, flop back and forth a bit, then settle in on past tense.  It's best to keep it consistent.  I would revise everything to the past tense.

Also, are you using "Silray" like a species name, or a nationality?  You don't need to capitalize it if it's the name of his species (i.e. like you don't need to capitalize human, fox, reyn, reyan, etc.)

Looking forward to reading more. [:)

[fox] Virmir


Lopez

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Reply #5 on: June 26, 2009, 07:16:03 AM
But you can capitalize it if you like, as I did that before Virmir's style influenced me. If it is a species name, you could VERY easily go with the line "...traditional Silray fox-like features aside..." to be more specific.

Now, I KNOW that this is an anthro story, but usually less is more when it comes to describing how a character looks. Rather than trying to paint a picture of your character for us, try to draw a sketch. Pick out three details. For example: "Fox-like, red eyes, clothes" rather than going into the intricacies.

Um....yeah, this is kind of your set-up, so I'll look forward to reading more! {:)

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


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Reply #6 on: November 05, 2009, 05:37:09 AM
Automessage:
Note: this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days.
Reviving old topics is perfectly fine, but just be aware of the post dates!

Me:
Shut up, I want to review my friend's story!!! *stabs*

Hehe, I remember the animation of this. (Just now found the story here... wish I'd seen it sooner)
He's got a great adventure in front of him :D (and he gets to meet Kiba, who immediately vows his loyalty to him.. and they become great friends :P x3)
Not much of a review as much as "Yay, I like it!"

I love people. Especially nice people. Especially nice people who give me bellyrubs. <3