Comission #2: Circus Act

[Jonas]

I've finished my second comission and it was a real doozy. The type of change the guy wanted was very specific, as was the duration and cause/circumstances/characters. I miss writing about foxes...

[attachment deleted by admin]

[AlexShrub]

Good, nice story with a cool plot.

Some un-pg elements though, though I doubt anyone would mind.





*grumble* bloody horse-tfs *grrr*

[Virmir]

Hey Jonas... please censor the F-word from this story and re-post it.  That sort of language is too strong for our PG rating. Thanks.

(Though in all honesty, I would leave it out regardless.  It adds nothing to the story and is really out of place for a toon writer of your caliber. )

That said, comparing the (really strict) notes the guy gave you, you did a nice job fleshing them out into into a pretty interesting and entertaining read.  Enjoying what you've been putting out with these commissions so far.

[Jonas]

Ok, I've removed it. Didn't like it anyway, just wanted a way to emphasize Leon's unpleasantness.

[Lopez]

I can see how this story was tough for you to write. Directed Creativity really drains, huh?

In this story, you portray a guy (who's a bit of a jerk) try to go for the sweet girl, but due to the workings of her father, he ends up transforming into a horse.

This story ALMOST works. It really almost does. That's mainly due to the ending. By the end of the story, Leon's mind has turned to mush, but now he actually gets to become close to her but without his proper mind...?

But the ending feels too loose. Is this going to happen every day into eternity? What happens on July 19th? Will there ever be a July 19th?

What is her father protecting her against? Why does he finally ask her to go see Leon after the final transformation? Does he...?

Since Leon kept helping Rose and she eventually ended up liking him EVERY SINGLE DAY did her father go every single day to the fortune teller to "try the hex over again?" Is the future that he's struggling against inevitable?

Hmmmmm...I sort of like this story's complexity...but I can't quite put my finger on why...

[Jonas]

I think its a bit less complicated than that. Arthur wanted Martin to make Rose see Leon the same way he did (I.e.- an animal). At the end this is very literally what happens. I probably could have made it clearer, but the time loop occurs because Rose keeps accepting (and Leon keeps asking her) to go out with Leon, which is what her father does not want to occur.

[Geary]

Wait, if he got turned fully into a horse, that means that Rose would get hit by the stage light and, well, die, doesn't it?

[Stormkit]

Oh no, the light will still fall, she just won't be there. She wasn't there the first two times and was only there the third cause of something the main character did. As the main character is now locked up in the stall, that won't happen so Rose won't die.

[Geary]

But she wasn't there the first two times because Leon was talking to her, and the third time she was almost hit because she wasn't talking to him, so one would assume that without Leon to save her...

[Stormkit]

Actually if you notice she was sorta trying to avoid him the third time. Plus the fourth time she stopped 'to see the animals' with her dad. Plus clearly her dad noticed the whole multiple recurrances thing and would probably not let her get hit if he's still with her.