A short (?) story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while:
Three respected heroes and citizens of the various kingdoms of the central continent were invited to dine at the palace of Queen Rachael of Atalain, in celebration of a great victory over the terrible Vixen Sorceress Auburn, that shadowy master of illusion and chaos that had bedeviled the surrounding realm for years.
Queen Rachael stood at the foot of the smaller royal private banquet hall to address her guests of honor. “Gentlemen”, the young mouse queen said, “it is my pleasure to invite you here tonight to celebrate a great conquest, and the defeat of a fiend and nuisance to the kingdom. I would like to introduce myself and a good friend and advisor, Wizard Maxwell”, she said, motioning to the black robed cat standing respectfully to the side of the table. Uneasy murmurs arose from the guests on seeing the wizard. “And it would please me greatly to hear the tale of Auburn’s defeat from our guest of honor”. At this, the three heroes relaxed and grinned. “Let us eat, and tell me of your encounter with the sorceress, Corin”, the queen said, motioning to a squirrel-ren woodsman, clearly unaccustomed to fine clothes or surroundings.
“Well, uh, okay”, Corin said, fidgeting nervously. “You see, in Viratia a few months back, Lord Firmin was trying to get some people together…”
“I thought Firmin was a minor baron at best”, Max said.
“Well, he *should* have been a lord!”, Corin retorted. “Anyways, he was gathering a crowd of, uh, concerned citizens, you see, and rallying them to take care of serious problem”
“It’s always nice to see the nobility involving themselves in the problems of their respective kingdoms”, Queen Rachael said.
“Indeed. He was going to give a speech on the *feline menace*!”, the squirrel said. “For too long, we’ve let these shifty, dishonest predators trample on the common people.”
Max’s tail began to lash. “Owed some cats a lot of money, did he?”, he said, snickering.
“That’s beside the point! These cats we have down in Viratia, they’re antisocial, disloyal little buggers that needed to be run off before they reverted to their animal natures and started eating us or something. Err… no … offense?” ,the squirrel glanced nervously up at the wizard.
Max stared, “Well, if you are so concerned with the ease to which we can all revert to our … animal natures, I can see why you might not want to give *offense*. Ah, but I suppose I can forgive a faux-pas or two: We are after all, civilized”, Max said, arching an eyebrow.
“Lord Firmin was the only person to do something about it. And when he gets up to speak to the townspeople, he was apparently placed under a terrible spell! To the eyes of the townsfolk, he appears stark-naked. They all laughed!”
“My! How embarrassing!”, the queen said.
“Indeed! Looking like a moron in front of the whole city”, Corin said.
“When what people should have been paying attention to was the Baron *sounding* like a moron in front of the whole city”, Max smirked. Corin shot him a glare.
“Gentlemen, please”, the queen said. “Continue with your story.”
“So we discovered that there was this wicked fox sorceress with the power to make people see whatever she wanted them to see. Lord Firkin put out a reward, and some of us left to hunt the sorceress. It was a terrifying quest, out in the border-woods at night. And that sorceress used her powers to lead us off her trail many times. But eventually I cornered her, and put an arrow through her.”
Darien and Liriam, the other two heroes cut in. “Wait a minute!”, Liriam said. “When was this?”
“Two months ago”, Corin said.
“I’m afraid you must have been mistaken. I killed Sorceress Auburn just last month here in Viratia – she was still plaguing the knights of the outlying villiages!”, the knight Liriam said.
“And I only barely finished the fiend last week”, Darien said, frowning, “after she robbed Baron Krauses caravan!”
“Oh my! I’m sure such a cunning opponent must spread much confusion. It *is* possible that she got away the first time, though your services to the kingdom are no less for it. Let us get to the heart of the matter – may I hear your tale, knight Liriam?”
The dog knight frowned at his glass. “Two months ago, some of the villagers in the outlying towns had caught some witches, who were to be put to death.”
“Oh”, Max asked, his interest piqued. “What did they do to the town?”
Liriam frowned. “Well, the villagers were the ones who had caught them, doing mysterious things with signs and symbols, and strange plants, seeking forbidden knowledge. It was clear they were up to some evil.”
Max rolled his eyes at the “forbidden knowledge” part. “Yes, but *what* were they doing wrong?”, the wizard asked.
“Well, they were witches! It’s never more than a matter of time with these twisty tricky magic users before they learn how to do something dangerous and start some reign of terror. It’s best to find them early and nip this problem in the bud! I apologize, sir wizard, but your … profession, the forces you work with are dubious at best. Not all nations are as libertine with magic as Parrsylvania.”
Max drummed his claws on the table. “Do you know”, he asked, “why some of the first spells mages usually learn are flashy violent things like lightning-bolts and fireballs?”
Liriam snorted. “I had assumed it was because you are all a bunch of half-mad evil pyromaniacs”
A smile crawled halfway up Max’s face. “Well there *is* the undeniable cool-factor of lighting things on fire. But there is also the practicality that when the witches can burn back, your average angry mob isn’t in a position to *forbid* them whatever knowledge they feel like seeking. All of a sudden, it’s ‘sir wizard’, and we’re respectable members of high society.”
“Anyway, this Sorceress Auburn comes to town disguised as an ordinary fox, and inquires as to the witch burning to take place the next day. She must have done some devilry during the night. When the morning came, the procession with the torches approached the pyre. Just as the pyre was about to be lit, the sorceress’s spell lifted, and we discovered a knight and common guardsman tied to the stakes! Her trickery had almost caused us to murder innocent people!”
“Good heavens!”, the queen exclaimed. “How awful! We wouldn’t want *that*!”
“The witches were nowhere to be found, and the sorceress was also fleeing. We rode in pursuit to apprehend this witch. She threw many illusions at us to confound our pursuit, appearing in different places than she actually was, hiding rocks in our path or creating apparent obstacles. But we knew the countryside and eventually drove her out into a flat open field.” The knight frowned, troubled. “We demanded that she surrender.”
Max snorted. “Why would she surrender to you, knowing what fate awaits ‘witches’ in your country?”
“Indeed”, the knight said, sighing. “She did not. She lit the field on fire instead, and threatened to burn all around her to ash in a vast whirlwind of fire.”
Max glanced aside at the queen. “Oh my!”, Rachael said. “I had never heard that the sorceress possessed such terrifying power!”
“She did not”, the knight said. “I suspect that with her, it is all illusion. We charged the wall of fire as fast as possible, to try to avoid burning to death in the apparent inferno, and rode her down – when … I killed her, it all vanished as if it had never been.” The knight sighed. “I never like to kill the unarmed like that … there was no honor in it.”
“And yet she somehow still lived to trouble my master, Baron Krause!”, Darien said. “We were transporting some … cargo that the Baron needed north to the barrier mountains of Kaorandia when this sorceress apparently made it appear that an entire party of Parrsylvanian rangers was travelling on the road. We … are not on the best of terms with Parrsylvania, and so we turned the caravan off the main highway and into the woods. Or so we thought! We camped for the night and in the morning, the caravan was nowhere to be found! There were no wheel-ruts in the dirt of the forest floor, no signs that anyone had stolen the wagons – as if they could with our guard on watch! One moment it was there, we turned around and it was gone. When we retraced our path to the main hghway, we found the wagons and horses right where we had left them! But the cargo had escaped!”
“Escaped?”, the queen asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Ah”, the fennec said nervously. “It is the difficulty I have with your language. I mean it was stolen!”
“I’m sure as part of our reward, we can reimburse the Baron for his losses. Did you happen to have a manifest or inventory of the cargo that you lost?”, the queen said.
“Ahh .. err … the Baron is a very private individual, so no. It was a lot of … miscellaneous odds and ends.”
“It is a pity that we might never know what the Baron lost in that murky encounter”, the queen said, with an odd expression on her face.
“We learned of this sorceress and caught her alone as she was leaving her home. We intended to ransom her for the value of our lost cargo, but she fought and fled. Eventually we ended up driving her over the edge of a steep cliff. *No one* could have survived that fall, so I am confident that we have at last put an end to this nuisance once and for all!”
The queen leaned back in her chair. “Well, those were very amusing stories! I propose a final toast!”. The queen and others raised their glasses. “To the death of Sorceress Auburn”, she said.
“To the death of Sorceress Auburn!”, the three heroes echoed heartily.
“May it always make for an interesting *story*”, the queen said smirking.
“Errr”, the three paused trying to parse that last statement.
“I must say, hearing fascinating new tales is always diverting”, the queen said. “I had no idea of your bravery and gallantry. Especially since I was there.”
“What?” Liriam exclaimed.
A vulpine grin that decidedly did *not* fit on Queen Rachael’s mouse features ran from ear to ear. A foxes tail poked out from underneath her dress.
“I take it then, Auburn, that you are done messing with the minds of your other guests”, Max said, eyes darting around the table.
“Don’t be silly”, Auburn said, looking more and more fox-like. “Why, the evening is only half over!”
The knight stood up suddenly. “You are *not*Queen Rachael!”
“Indeed! Terribly sorry, but your princess is in another castle”, Auburn said, grin widening. The strange dreamlike sense of surreality that was the hallmark of the sorceress’s power had hung over the banquet the entire evening. As it faded, so did the apparent surroundings of the palace, to be replaced by a more humble wooden dining room.
“And as for the distribution of the reward”, Auburn continued. “Well, I’m afraid that is going to be somewhat difficult, since you all kill me”. The fox sorceress finally cracked up and burst out laughing.
Corin pushed his chair back, staring in horror. “What … what do you intend to do?!” he asked, his voice climbing a few octaves.
“Well, the normal course of events would be to serve dessert”, Auburn said. “But, if you insist, we can skip straight to the post banquet *games*.”
“Dessert?!”, Darien exclaimed incredulously.
“I vote for dessert”, Max said, eyes darting nervously between the three shocked and terrified guests. Max scooted his chair back against the fireplace and surreptitiously closed the flue.
Corin pulled out his dagger. Darien backed against the wall and retrieved his quarterstaff. Liriam gripped his longsword. “Sorceress Auburn … I have no idea what game you are playing … but your reign of insanity and chaos ends here!” Liriam drew his sword. “Surrender now, and face justice properly!”
“Oooh, is this where I get to say something defiant?”, Sorceress Auburn said. “Never! I’ll never face anything properly! Bwahaha!”
Suddenly the room filled with smoke from the fireplace. “And that’s our cue to leave!”
* * *
Max and Auburn ran frantically through the woods of Parrsylvania. “When you invited me to … huff … dinner with a few old friends, I never imagined it would be* those three*!” He turned around and released the magic he had been drawing for the past two minutes, lighting some underbrush on fire.
“I … suppose … that this is your twisted idea … of fun … gasp”, Max said as he struggled to maintain his pace.
“Oh come on Max, you wouldn’t want your visit to be *boring* would you?”, Auburn laughed, dodging an arrow.
“Boring would be … decidedly less … lethal”, Max gasped, trying to remove an arrow from his hat. “At least that should slow them for awhile.” Max heard some pained yelling behind him. “Holy frigg, this fires *not* an illusion!”
“And it’s a wonderful excuse for some evening exercise!”, Auburn said, continuing to jog. “Some jogging would do you wizards a world of good.”
“You notice there … is *no* running track … at the local wizards academy. We have … better things to do … with our”, Max slowed to a stop, panting, as he looked up at a bridge. “Why on Earth were we running all the way around the gorge if there was this bridge across it?!”
The knight and fennec guard were on the other side of the bridge. “Halt, you two! There is nowhere to run tonight! We have you now!”
“Come on Max”, Auburn said, “you know they never finished the bridge across Kohler’s gorge. Those budget cuts, you know. But if they had, I always imagined it would look something like this.”
Max eyes widened in comprehension.
Corin caught up with the other two on the mouth of the bridge. “You’re not getting away tonight. Stand and fight, fiend!”
Auburn drew herself up and drew a short-blade that she usually kept on her. “If you want to fight me, fair and square”, she raised her finger, beckoning them. “First you’ll have to come and get me!” She strode forward to the other end of the bridge.
The three raised their weapons and uttered a battlecry as they charged forward. A battle-cry that suddenly changed pitch when they lost their footing on the illusory bridge and tumbled down the side of the very real cliff.
The bridge illusion dissolved into mist. Some broken sobbing noises and cries of pain came from down in the gorge. Auburn called down to them, “Well, gentlemen, it has been a delightful evening for all of us. Good food, interesting conversation, and even some brisk exercise. I’ll have to close by leaving you with the following paradox: You can pursue me if you dare, chase me to the ends of the earth, even kill me, but how will you ever be secure in any victory if you cannot know that what you see is real?”
Max straightened up and brushed his robes off. “So … what now?”
“Well, since we are on this side of the gorge, town is only a mile or two away. I hear there is that new soda shop”, Auburn said, as she began walking towards the road.
“But what about them? They still want to kill you you know.”
“After I made complete fools of them all evening? I don’t know if their pride could take the damage. They can’t touch me. It’s why we sorcerers of illusion are much cooler than you grumpy old wizards!”
“You’re not invincible you know”, Max said, warningly.
“And why would anyone else need to discover something irrelevant like that?”, Auburn said. “Let’s go! Chaos, insanity, and dessert await!”
