Messages

16

Writer's Guild / Re: Moon Light Phase. thing

« on: April 05, 2010, 08:16:30 AM »

*Stares at Konner A. Sown for a while to make sure that he's not being "Lou C. Pher"ed.*

I like the tone you're going for, but it's hard to follow. It requires the reader to read incredibly slowly, which drags the intense tone of the story.

I understand that it's the story of a werewolf who isolates himself to stop himself from destroying that which he values. Then he tries to stop his father from killing...? and ends up dying?...

Consider writing this as a poem. It would give it the structure that it seems to be lacking right now.

I hope you contribute more to the writing forum! Even though it was a bit hard to follow, the timbre of your story really rang through.

17

Writer's Guild / Re: Freedom Star

« on: April 05, 2010, 08:07:12 AM »

I like where this is going...though I too wanted to hear more about his civilian life.

18

Writer's Guild / Clorox Fail

« on: April 05, 2010, 07:55:24 AM »

I never did give the conclusion to that other story, did I? Well, here’s how it really ended. My mom called me later and asked if I needed a kit to repair my glasses. I had already fixed them. I said yes.

But it seems like my life is lived in a slight tension between my mom and me. So, I continue to write, and I don’t think I’ll ever be out of material.

The situation: ROTC. As you may or may not know, I’m applying for an army ROTC scholarship for college. Yes, it means I will serve in the army for four years after I graduate, and, yes, it means I will be paid ($200 a month) to go to college. Now, I’m strong enough, fast enough, and far more than bright enough to receive a scholarship. In fact, I already have received it. There’s two minor, very minor, problems.

1. Asthma.

2. Eczema.

I hate these two words. They seem to define my life. Currently, they define my lack of an ROTC scholarship.

In order to finally receive my scholarship, I have to convince the ROTC board that neither of these conditions will affect my service in the army.

Asthma is easy. I was on the track team for a long time. I can run, I can sing, I can surely breathe.

My eczema was a slightly different matter. It’s a skin condition. In the winter, the cool air causes my legs to become cracked and itchy. In the summer, irritants cause my legs to become itchy. It’s a lose-lose.

So my legs don’t look so great. They have a couple of “Hmmm…what’s going on there?” sores, and my mom is always looking for new ways to help my legs.

We’ve tried every cream, every lotion, everything.

Way back when I was home schooled, she had me sit outside and have my legs under the sun for 20 minutes a day. Then, we moved to the solution (lol?) of water and Epson salt. Essentially, that’s like putting your legs in the ocean for 20 minutes a day.

Then, she thought she had hit on the final solution.

Clorox.

You think I’m joking, don’t you?

My mom read an article in USA Today. I really hate that phrase. It seems to define her opinions of me. She has explained to me how every person you meet online is a child molester, how video games will rot young minds, and, most importantly…

How Clorox will heal eczema.

She made me do this a while back. After about a week or two, she more or less gave up on me. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing you can say that will make me think soaking in diluted Clorox for 20 minutes a day is a good idea.

She’s always just like this. I wasn’t allowed to watch either The Lion King or The Wizard of Oz on account of them being “too scary.” Harry Potter was banned from the house on account of it being “glorification of the devil,” and Dungeons and Dragons was a game that only “Satan worshippers” played. Okay, mom. Whatever.

I would probably trust my theology teacher before my mom. In class the other day, he said, “I don’t understand why the Catholic Church is so against the Harry Potter books. There’s so much Christian imagery in them, it seems stupid to just write them off as anti-religious. I mean, the last book has a RESSURECTION scene! How much more Christian can you get than that?”

The defining moment came when I was younger. I obsess about this moment now that I’m older, even though I didn’t think too much of it at the time.

We were walking through a store, and I saw a pack of skittles. I don’t know what gripped my mind to want them, but I did. I was young. I was impressionable. So I asked my mom for them. What did she say?

“You can’t have those. They have wheat.”

I had a wheat allergy when I was younger. It was only when I got into high school did I figure out that she was lying. That’s probably what’s driven me apart from her the most.

In order to convince ROTC that my asthma wasn’t a problem, I took a breath test, which showed I was in the top of the average for lung ability.

For my eczema, I had to go into the doctor’s office the next Friday. It was on the previous Friday when she stated that I should be soaking in Clorox for 20 minutes a day.

I did it on Friday. Partially to humor her, I guess. It wasn’t really the fact that I didn’t like taking baths. I read my Fantasy Short Story book while taking my baths. I last read a story about a futuristic world where no one ever dies.

On Saturday night, while I tried to get the screw back into my glasses, since it had somehow kept coming out, she reminded me to take a bath. I figured I just wouldn’t do it. That would be the end of it.

On Sunday morning, it started innocuously enough. I woke up, ate breakfast, worked on some schoolwork, then went back to eat lunch.

Both my mom and dad were sitting at the table. They were eating a kind of brunch while I retrieved leftovers from the fridge for my lunch. Then, she popped the question.

“Did you take a bath in Clorox last night?”

“No,” I responded.

!!!

“If you don’t bathe in Clorox then your legs won’t clear up!!!”

“I know,” I responded, “I know.”

“I don’t understand why you won’t do this. It’s only 20 minutes a day and your legs will clear up perfectly! I’m not asking all that much of you!”

I threw my lunch in the microwave, “It’s just that I don’t think it will have…”

“They’ve done studies that say…”

I hate this phrase of hers, too. She used it on Saturday when she tried to get me to clean my room, after she told me I had to get a haircut.

“Studies show that people with clean rooms do better than people with messy rooms.”

Okay, mom. Or perhaps people who do well like to keep their rooms clean? I’ve stopped arguing with her on things like this. Maybe that was why I didn’t take the bath that night?

“…bathing in Clorox will heal up skin.”

“It’s just…I’m not sure how effective it is.”

“If you don’t do this, then the doctor won’t write that your legs have cleared up for the exam on Friday!”

Diffusal of a situation lesson A. Put blame on yourself.

“It’s not the Clorox, I just scratch my legs too much, that’s all.”

“If you don’t get your legs cleared up you won’t get the $200,000 ROTC scholarship!”

Watch her make the link…watch it…waiiiiiit for ittttt…..

“It’s just a matter of soaking for 20 minutes a day for five days for $200,000! I don’t see what’s so hard about this!”

BAM! Initiate rebuttal, “I don’t think that not soaking in Clorox is the only reason I would be rejected from ROTC.”

“You just don’t want to go into ROTC. That’s it, isn’t it?”

“I…” STOPPED. I’m getting angry. Anyone can see my rage would be perfectly justified. But I disagree with anger, and it disagrees with me. I’ve learned my lesson about these conversations. I’m going to throw it out as plainly as possible.

“I’m not going to argue with you,” I watched my plate of spaghetti turn in the microwave.

That didn’t stop her of course. It went on, with “If you don’t get this scholarship, we’re not going to pay for your college, and we’re going to have to take out a loan to pay for your tuition.”

As I stood there, though, I felt the twitch.

I was almost about to cry.

I guess that’s why men get angry. It’s all just a block to prevent this from happening. The last time I really cried was in 7th grade, when I learned that kids weren’t naturally nice to each other.

I decided to talk away, and just left my lunch there in the microwave. I walked back into my room, and checked on the status of my college applications. After a while, my dad walked into the room.

“Your plate is done.”

“I’ll get it in a minute. I’m checking on my colleges.”

I trust my dad. He once got in an argument with my mom, trying to explain to her that just because some Satan worshippers play Dungeons and Dragons does not mean that all people who play Dungeons and Dragons are Satan worshippers. He always struggles to keep his mouth shut during family reunions while my mom’s side of the family gives long speeches about how Obama is the Anti-Christ.

After a while, my mom came into the room. I looked up at her from the Yale website.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I won’t pester you about it anymore. You know what, you know what’s best for your legs.”

Huh. I guess that’s okay.

“Give me a hug,” she said.

I stood up from my chair to give her a hug. I closed my eyes. Unfortunately, little did I realize that my cockatiel Caesar was sitting on her shoulder. He considered me a villainous cur, and proceeded to bite me on the nose.

I retracted from my hug a little bit.

That’s why I didn’t want to take Clorox baths. It wasn’t because I didn’t like taking baths, and it wasn’t because I didn’t believe it would work. It was because I didn’t want my decisions to be made for me by someone who still believes that Harry Potter will draw young people’s minds to witchcraft.

And yet, both of us can somehow be okay with that. We may disagree on a lot of things, but we’re still a family, darn it. We always want what’s best for each other, even though we may disagree on what the best is.

And, I still love my mom. It’s hard, this whole family thing. But I like it this way, hard, rather than simply saying “I hate my parents” like it seems all the cool kids are doing these days.

So, I went to the glasses place and got my glasses fixed. I got a haircut, too. But I have yet to clean my room. It will happen…eventually.

((I received a clean bill from the skin doctor, and my breathing was labeled “above average.” Keeping my fingers crossed. ^_^))


Maybe you've had disagreements of this sort with people you know? What did you do?

19

Random Topics / Voice! The Ursa Major Awards

« on: March 25, 2010, 07:07:34 PM »

http://ursamajorawards.org/index.htm

Now, I remember a conversation that Virmir and I had on how we disagreed with the results of the Ursa Major awards LAST year...

So, this year I am DETERMINED to cast my vote.

Personally, I'm really rooting for Housepets and Lackadaisy, both comics are definitely fantastic.

What do you think?

20

Writer's Guild / Re: Transgressions

« on: March 21, 2010, 10:17:10 AM »

I agree with Virmir.

The image of Angel and the flashlight is just priceless. Throughout the argument, I felt myself siding with Peter, and the fact how "right" he was, until that image came into my head.

The first section is pretty powerful, because we've all had arguments where we just lose our cool like that and end up flaring out at people we actually care about, just for the sake of defending our own pride and decisions.

As Peter is undergoing a physical dehydration and emotional dehydration, he seems to be undergoing an intellectual dehydration as well. His physical dehydration is the easiest one to solve, but how will he manage the other two?

Even though it would not be too much a criticism of mine, you might cut back on description a little. As readers of this story, we most enjoy it to see Peter's character, and while it is important to know that he is in a desert wasteland type of area, some people might think you could be overdescribing it. I love the description, but only because I've been to New Mexico and can appreciate the imagery that you're portraying.

I love how you're developing this story. Even though we may not experience a physical transformation like Peter does, we've all gone through emotional transformations like this. I'm very much looking forward to the next part.

21

Writer's Guild / Re: Mercy

« on: March 21, 2010, 08:55:20 AM »

Aw...I've written some pretty depressing stories in my time, too. But this one definitely takes the cake.

It took two read-throughs, but I almost understand the story now.

The story is about a kid, who, due to a mistake that killed his two-year old sister, intends to kill himself. His life is full of sadness, due to his past, and due to his current life. The only achievement he has ever gained is an award for diving, that he doesn't even know where it went. Without anything to live for, he feels he must do this.

An interesting link. The sun and water. In brightness, there can only be life and death. But the water is a mirror to the sun. It looks as if it has life, but it is just a false reflection.

In darkness, things are blurred, there is both hope and fear.

Melancholy has a deep sadness beyond anything that Richard has ever seen. Once she shows him this, he breaks down. In the darkness, she sees hope in him in addition to his sadness.

Errrrr... in conclusion?

This torrent, this downpour of light leaves no doubt.  The sun shines truth at you from every window, every puddle, every warm spot on the road.

Melancholy cannot offer life. She can only offer mercy. As Richard looks into her eyes, she strips this light from him. She takes the sadness away, but also the truth. Thus, he will have a life, of a sort, without truth, but without sadness, either.

But she knows better. He will not have a true life. He can only live life through the darkness, not through truth. A pleasant lie, a mercy.

Creeeeeeeeeepy.....

22

Writer's Guild / Re: Tales of a Fox

« on: March 21, 2010, 08:13:15 AM »

I love the setting you've chosen. The idea of a girl trying to escape from an enemy that you specifically do not over-describe is a bit gut-wrenching. Very effective.

Then again, what is it with writers on this forum and apocalyptic worlds??? ANYWAYS...

It's hard to tell how the story will go from here, but presuming that the story DOESN'T just end here, the wraith will perform some kind of possession of her? Or...something?

Nice job on the terrifying story. I hope to read the next chapter soon.

23

Writer's Guild / Re: The Tower of Kershoft! Kinda er soft.

« on: February 24, 2010, 04:32:28 AM »

I'll have to agree. This whole ridiculous situation would be perfect for a picture.

24

Art Gallery / Re: Lopez's Art!

« on: February 23, 2010, 03:29:27 AM »

I'm still working on my comic, too! I swear! I just...really like working with color.

I still can't get emotions quite right yet. This guy is from an idea for a story I've had for a LONG time.

((You'll probably get...5 more of these, I put "Practice with tablet for fifteen minutes every day" in my schedule this week.))

25

Writer's Guild / GOGGLES!!!...no

« on: February 20, 2010, 10:35:51 AM »

We've all seen how much Sir Voltar likes his goggles. But are goggles really that great? My own experience might speak otherwise.


I’ll have to be honest: goggles aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

I bought into it just as much as everyone else, after seeing the legendary drawing http://virmir.artspots.com/image/42174/goggles. I mean, goggles just have a certain flair to them.

After I’ve spent the day wearing goggles, I’ll repeat my analysis: goggles aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Last night, due to an unfortunate circumstance, my glasses broke. One of the miniature screws came undone. If you’ve ever worn glasses, you know what a pain those are. They require the absolute smallest flat-head screwdriver ever made in the history of man in order to get them screwed in. Thus, without the screw tightened properly, the lens on the right side popped out.

Fortunately for me, I had GOGGLES! You know, prescription sports goggles? Previously, I just used them for playing dodge ball at school. Since I really just felt too lazy to go to the kitchen and get a screwdriver to repair my glasses, I just put my goggles on instead.

Sure, goggles have some problems. There’s the fact that they press against your face, causing a minor pain similar to a headache. And, of course, there’s the strap that cuts into your ears.

But the worst part of wearing goggles is the tunnel vision. You don’t notice it at first, but as you wear them throughout the day, you’ll find that you gradually start to lose touch with the world around you. First, you jump when someone taps you on the shoulder. Then, you fail to notice as someone walks right next to you.

I put up with it, though. I mean, I just didn’t feel like repairing my glasses.

But then, as usual, Mom came into the picture.

She was leaving for a dentist appointment. But really, she was just saying that she was preparing to leave for a dentist appoint, or fixin’ to get ready to leave for a dentist appointment, when she popped into my room.

“What’s with the goggles?”

“Oh, my glasses just broke a little, but don’t worry about it.”

Naturally, I forget that the phrase “don’t worry about it” sends Mom into a full-fledged panic attack. This happens with nearly everything in her life. For example, when “Mad Cow” was on the news, she decided that we needed to abstain from all beef products. We instead turned to Bison burgers (which we found tasted really, really good, so we kept eating them after the scare was over.)

“Do we need to take them to the eye doctor?” she asked, her eyes bulging.

“No, I just need to screw them back in.”

“We need to get them fixed!”

“I know. I can fix them.”

“Do you want to come with me to the dentist so we can…”

“Actually, you know, I’ll just fix them right NOW.”

I rose from my chair, with my goggles over my eyes. I went to the kitchen where we had the miniature screwdrivers in a small box. I laid my glasses on the kitchen table and opened to box. Oddly enough, the smallest one was missing from the box. I checked in the drawer.

“I can pick up a glasses repair kit from the pharmacy on the way back, they’ll probably have something like that,” she added, as I searched through the drawer.

“I don’t need a glasses repair kit. I just need to find the right screwdriver.”

“Would a kit have the right…”

“Mom,” if she kept this up, she would be late for her dentist appointment. It was an EASY FIX. All I needed was the right screwdriver, darn it!

It would be much easier than last time. Last time this happened, I didn’t have goggles. So when I tried to get the screw into my glass frame, I could hardly see what I was doing. Then the screw came out and fell onto the floor, where it was so small it looked like a speck of cereal. At least this time I could see what I was doing.

I looked downstairs, perhaps Dad took the screwdriver out and put it on the tool bench? I checked over it with my goggles. Nope. Perhaps I didn’t need a screwdriver…I mean, it was a flat-head screw, so any thin, non-flexible object would work.

“I’ll stop by the store on the…”

“No, don’t worry, I can do it.”

“All you need is a kit.”

“No, I’m just being defensive about my own abilities,” I totally just said that.


“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I don’t even need a screwdriver. ANY flat object will do to screw the screw back in!”

“But…”

“I’ll be fine.”


As she left, I was trying the screw with a sharp knife. Then I decided to heat up lunch. And then I realized something. I forgot one of my primary rules.

“Never reject someone who is offering to help you.”

I took on this rule upon realizing that a lot of my life was spent struggling against people who were trying to help me. And I forgot it yet again. As Sir Voltar would say, “HOLY FRAZZ!”

She wasn’t trying to hinder me. She was offering to HELP me, to go OUT OF HER WAY to make it so I could repair my glasses more easily, and I said, “Nope, I’ll do it all myself. I don’t need any of YOUR help.” I recognized what I was doing when I said I was being “defensive,” but I forgot to change my behavior. Curses, foiled by myself yet again.

A lot of our lives are spent in goggles, tunnel-visioned so much that we can’t recognize help when we see it. So down with these goggles. Sorry, Voltar, but this whole goggles thing just isn’t for me.

26

Art Gallery / Re: Lopez's Art!

« on: February 19, 2010, 06:55:55 PM »

Soooo, I got my tablet back, because I got my computer back! I was just playing around in paint, and felt like using all the expressionism I've been learning in studio art. (Though it strangely reminded me of Kai...) I like to think of this as...a PRELUDE to more, actual work from now on. 

27

Writer's Guild / Re: By Light of the Night (Revision)

« on: February 19, 2010, 07:23:16 AM »

Looks like we have an analyzer who's a bit more fluent than I am! 

If they're guessing unecessarily, that could leave all sorts of possibilities they don't really want to deal with.

Actually, this feels like my LIFE. (Of course, it also sounds a lot like "Lost")

All good observations, Fayth. Reasons for characters acting how they do is a good thing. I would have loved to say that Shei was looking for answers because he was too afraid to cast another spell lest he summoned another demon.

I like this next part, Shei feels much more natural. Although, we're still in the dark about why Elimar wants to associate with him in the first place. And, airship? I suppose it'll come in the next part.

28

Writer's Guild / Re: By Light of the Night (Revision)

« on: February 18, 2010, 05:10:23 PM »

I've been trying for a while to think about how I feel about this part (2).

What I WILL say is, whatever you did with it, it is more interesting. (This was the part in the previous version where my attention was lost)

Hmmmm...the problem I have with this story most likely lies with the main character.

In the first part, we had this indifferent little cat who would probably like nothing better than if everyone ignored him. And, I mean...

Shei Nayrikk had no interest in travelling.

Now this is just blatantly obvious.

But something happens to him. He becomes curious. But not curious in everything, but in one thing. He is now interested in finding out why the spell failed, why he summoned a demon. Why this is all happening.

The problem is, it is not his character. After reading the first part, I have this image of a character who is NOT particularly curious, but rather forced forward in life by necessity. (The Townspeople made him fix the lighthouse.)

So while he is more adventurous now...he still isn't. He's still the same timid character we know from the first part.

“Um…could I get some food?”

And what's up with this?

He’d already been to every supposed magician, arcanist, and wizard who touted his wares and skills, and all had either proven to be fake, or had no more idea than he had.

So here is why I'm...um...losing interest in him.  It seems that his character is inconsistent. He's not interested in anything BUT this. Moving forward...

Shei swallowed nervously.  He could see several black clothed figures trying to hide in the shadows of the alley.  “I don’t think I have anything you’d find valuable.”

Further...

“Then take it!”  Shei sprung backwards over the thief’s head as he drew the red blade from the sheath.

Hmmm...on the surface it WOULD seem to work, because his self-confidence seems forced by necessity. He's only self-confident when he NEEDS to be.

Annnnnd at that point, the writer can just use Shei for whatever needs to be done to advance the story. He's self-confident when he's fighting enemies and needs to win to show off his strength, and he's curious when he needs to investigate something that will push the story along.

If my analysis of the first part was correct, then my advice would be this: let the character do the talking for you. Right now, he feels like he's just a piece of a puzzle that you're creating. Rather than being free-flowing, he fits in one place in the story. (I think that analogy went a bit too far. )

“Impressive work, Lad.  Nice demon blade ye’ve got, there.”

Shei turned to face the source of the voice.

And...this introduction feels like another piece of the puzzle. Now, the finished puzzle might be very interesting, but putting it together like this feels...forced (Ugh...I need to ditch this analogy.)

In conclusion, I know that you have this master plan that you're working to achieve. The demon, the gnome, the cat, it will all fit together. Actually, you might even have a flow-chart of all the encounters between characters that will happen as the story reaches its climax. I would recommend that you just ignore it.

I had this exact same problem writing the story "Orders" (buried somewhere on the archives here.) This story can't work until you do what's natural for the character. I had these great schemes of what the ending of "Orders" would be, but I ended up going in a completely different direction, just because I figured out "Wait a minute, my character would NEVER do that!" You may not end up PRECISELY where you intended, but you might at least get the general direction.

So, I really love your character, but he's starting to feel more like a tool to be used rather than a cat with his own fears, hopes, and emotions.

I hope I didn't cause any emotional scars. Keep working on the next one! I'm still rooting for you!

((For an alternative; you could make the story "Simenonian." We had this project in school, we had to write like this writer. He was famous for writing characters who would COMPLETELY turn around after the first chapter. I can see elements of that her, as Shei gets some confidence and curiosity. But because it is not a complete shift, it doesn't quite work out. Unless you portray Shei as the epitome of self-confidence and ability, it would be hard to pull off.))

29

Art Gallery / Lopez's Art!

« on: February 18, 2010, 01:14:36 PM »

I don't actually do much independent art nowadays, but I am in Studio Art at my school, and I seem to have made it my mission to distribute a wide array of animal art around the school, (I made a Raccoon painting that hangs outside my main classroom.)

Here was one of my projects...Fox prints!



We had to make it in about 10 different colors...these two came out the best.

30

Writer's Guild / Re: By Light of the Night (Revision)

« on: February 16, 2010, 10:57:34 AM »

Hmmm...I feel like I've read this before...

This is a very nice chunk of story. I'm not going to read through your previous version again, and I'm not even going to look at MY old review. I'll just try commenting on how I feel about it NOW.

I love the main character. My love for him can be summed up in this line.

I was sorta' trying to fix the lighthouse, here.  It's kinda--"

"It does not function."

He's not fixing the lighthouse. He's not even TRYING to fix the lighthouse. He's SORTA' TRYING TO FIX the lighthouse. He can't even state what's wrong with it. He instead says, "It's kinda..."

Then you have the demon, Gear, who just states it like it is. There's no middle ground of "Kinda" or "Maybe" or "Perhaps." It IS what it IS.

Then, you have their FUNCTIONS. Again, Shei tries to avoid being anything, so he would rather state that he's everything to dodge the question.

"But...but I'm not a summoner!  I'm a gambler, an artist, a mechanic, a fencer, a…" The caster stumbled for more words that weren’t summoner.

He's looking for excuses to avoid BEING something, at all costs.

Then, you've got Gear saying...

“You may call me Gear.  Gear will do nicely.”

He knows EXACTLY who he is. But is he perfect?

Deciding his plan was not yet perfect, Gear picked up a piece of chalk, perfect and whole

No, of course not.

This is what makes these two characters interesting. You've got Shei, who wants to fade away, practically into the world, and Gear, who wants everything perfect (and for the most part can make it so.)

((See: Daoist vs. Confucian))

Who is more right? The demon who can't quite make everything perfect, or the Cat who can't quite become nothing at all? We shall see.