Author Topic: Death Knell (Discontinued)  (Read 9503 times)

Zavier

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on: March 12, 2011, 06:03:04 PM
Alright, my first attempt at a story on this site! Woo!

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Chapter 1: Calm Before the Storm

The quiet before the mission. Oh, how Evander loved this.

The grey cat continued to sit on the rooftop of the little rundown shack on the side of the road. He was looking up at the night sky, catching what little glimpses of stars he could with the clouds hanging overhead. In just a couple short hours, he knew, his target would come down the dirt road the shack lays beside. He knew that his target would likely be guarded, but lowly guards are not a problem to him. It's his target, Tamlin, that he knew he would get a fight out of. Oh, how he loved an opponent that tested his skills.

Evander looked down at his sword and sheath. That blade had gotten him out of many-a-troubled spots.  He looked off to his side and he could picture it now: he would see Tamlin and his guards walking down the road. He would wait until the perfect moment to jump down and strike. He would cut through the guards, killing them with ease, then moving on to battling Tamlin. Then the actual fight begins.

He looked up to see the moon had changed position in the sky. About an hour and a half had passed while he was fantasizing. He looked down the part of the road leading west, and saw the faintest glimmers of light.

The guards' lanterns.

He chuckled slightly, knowing that the time for killing would soon come. He then felt a slight tap on his head. He looked up and saw it was starting to drizzle slightly. He wasn't expecting rain tonight, but he just shrugged it off and sat up, watching anxiously as the light down the road got closer and closer.

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Well, what do you think? Tell me any suggestions or things I need to fix. ^_^
« Last Edit: June 09, 2011, 06:19:03 AM by Zavier »



Evilhumour

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Reply #1 on: March 12, 2011, 10:08:24 PM
Interesting.

(07:46:59) Robak: watch the horns they are pointy
(22:04:28) Risu: omg, its raining antimuffins!
(00:42:42) * (Rage_plushie) doesn`t move. instead he ponders the secrets of the universe...and wonders why trask smells faintly of strawberries.
(00:36:36) Virmir: It's fattening celergy!


Zavier

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Reply #2 on: March 15, 2011, 05:39:32 PM
Chapter 2: Bloodshed

The guards and Tamlin were very close to the shed now. Evander tried to keep silent and hug the shed roof as best he could, but it was hard since the rain had gone from a slight drizzle to a moderate rain.

Evander had to stay focused on the mission, though. He watched the guards get in front of the shed. At that moment, however, lightning struck somewhere in the distance and caused Evander to jump slightly.

"What was that!?" Evander heard one of the guards yell as he tried his best to get back to hugging the shed roof. The guards and Tamlin were stopped in front of the shed now, looking around for what had made the noise.

Evander decided it was the best time to strike. He stood up and jumped down. The guards barely had time to turn around before Evander had unsheathed his sword and dealt a fatal blow to the nearest guard.

The guards that remained quickly unsheathed their swords and stood between Evander and Tamlin. Evander and the guards all went into defensive positions and stood in the rain, now pouring down, waiting for the first strike.

One of the guards got tired of waiting quickly and charged at Evander. Evander avoided the sword slash and swung his sword at the guard. He left the guard screaming in agony on the ground as he saw another guard getting ready to swing at him.

Evander smirked and blocked the sword slash with his sword. After a brief struggle, he knocked the guard off of his feet and delivered a fatal blow.

Evander looked at the two remaining guard, both shaking in fear as their three former comrades lay motionless on the ground, the rain pelting their corpses. Evander decided to deliver the blow and swiftly killed one guard, then swung at the other.

The two guards dropped to the ground, dead. Evander then looked at Tamlin, who had drawn out his  own sword and was now in a defensive position. The rain seemed to wash his sword clean, as if it was to be that only Tamlin's blood be on his sword.

Evander went into a defensive position and the two waited for the other to make the first move.



Tvorsk

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Reply #3 on: March 17, 2011, 01:45:42 PM
Not sure yet about the plot, but seems quite arighty. {;)
But honestly, it's a bit awkward with how often you just repeat the characters' names... try using alternatives like "him", "the cat", "the attacker", and such a bit more.
Just don't give up, everyone starts somewhere! {:)

Thanks for reading,
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Virmir

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Reply #4 on: March 17, 2011, 09:31:07 PM
I'll agree.  Try to vary word choice a bit.  A bit too early to comment on the plot yet, but seems cool so far.  Looking forward to the next part. [:)

[fox] Virmir