Author Topic: Blood frame  (Read 22177 times)

D. Ein

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on: June 05, 2009, 06:29:18 PM
Part 1

"There are twenty-five... no, five more have crossbows," Wing murmured off the top of the cliff. "Beautiful positioning, excellent form, but they are surrounding the village single-file - probably because of their smaller numbers. I doubt they'll be any problem, seeing as we've got a hundred men in the bush."

"They don’t need any more people," Gwen replied.

Wing looked up. Gwen was very close to the edge of the edge of the cliff, right next to him. The high winds combed her hair, but she stood firm, resting her cane in front of her.

"I suppose you're right," Wing said after a pause, and looked back down to the forest. "Aside from probably two or three Naturals there, the natives are defenceless against the better-equipped and much more skilled bandits."

He paused again. Despite having quite a bit of experience, he had trouble telling where the bandits were. Only the occasional gleam of a blade in the moonlight gave them away. Noticing the crossbow wielders was pure luck - a gust of wind happened to blow the village's ritual fires toward Wing, and he could faintly make out five silhouettes perched in the canopies of the trees against the glow of the flames.

"Wing," Gwen said, backing away from the edge of the cliff. The winds were getting rougher. "Tell me what kinds of Naturals are in that village."

"Yes, one minute," Wing answered, wondering as to the purpose of the question. If anyone of interest was down there, they would definitely appear in the Sovereignty's registry. Given that all maps available to him merely acknowledge the village's existence without giving any more information, everything pointed to the fact that this was just another tribal settlement.

He reached into his robe for the inner breast pocket, producing a pair of metal-framed lens. The lens, porous with many capillaries, had a syringe-like glass capsule attached with a split transparent tube. A dark red liquid shimmered inside the capsule. Securing the lens to the scout's circlet Wing wore on his head, he slowly sank the syringe's piston inward.

At first, the world became segmented into many pieces - much like looking into a broken mirror on a black surface - as the capillaries filled with the liquid from the capsule. The liquid didn't even completely fill the capillaries when the outer edges of the lens began to blur out of existence. Before long, all that was left of the lens was the metal frame. The flames in the middle of the village vanished, and the moon was reduced to no more than a pale grey shadow on the sky. Instead, the world bathed in a uniform red mist.

Right away, Wing's previous guess proved itself to be correct. There were three auras - black clouds with streaks of red - located in a triangle around the place where the now-invisible fire burned.

"Let's see..." Wing mumbled while scanning the village. "There are three. The one farthest away from me... looks solid... earth? No... jagged edges, pronounced vertices. That one is ice-based. The one across the first one - they are sitting in a triangle around the ritual fire - is all over the place, swirling... unmistakably, flame-powered... explains the fire. The leader, maybe?... Interesting combination... I'd think... wouldn't get along... block. That's the last one, walls and blocks, very regular and symmetric... seen it before, but..."

"Like Eva's?"

Wing slapped his head in feigned exasperation.

"Ah, how could I forget? Yes, that's exactly where I saw it. So, in the end, we have a fire Natural, an ice Natural, and a force Natural. None of them are particularly powerful - the fire one might stand his ground against one of our Artificers, but the other ones aren't even worth mentioning. Explains why this place is barely noted on the map. Even then, considering there's about to be a raid on it, we might have to erase it completely."

"In that case," Gwen said, turning around. "We are leaving."

With a small sigh, Wing stood up and dusted himself off. She's doing the right thing, from a commander's point of view. There's no need to sacrifice any more troops - the Sovereignty's military is already spread thin between defending against Zhottite invasions and smaller organized raids from the natives. He took off the lens and carefully pulled the piston from the capsule out as far as it could go. The lens became visible again as the liquid retreated from the capillaries and back into the syringe. After putting the apparatus away, he approached Gwen.

"Do you--?"

"No, I’m fine." Gwen's tone was uncharacteristically casual. "It seems we will not draw swords tonight. I can handle myself."

"Very well," Wing said.

They walked in silence toward the wall of trees at the top of the hill. The Chopped Mound, they called this place; reasonably so, considering that it was really only half a hill. From one side, it looked like a normal mound, but from the forest, it appeared to be an inaccessible cliff. Some Sovereignty philosophers devoted time to discovering how the Chopped Mound came to be, but none were successful.

"General, if I may ask," Wing interrupted the relative silence, which was previously only broken by Gwen's cane tapping the ground in front of her. For the last few minutes, he wore a concerned expression. "Were you a scout before your… capture?"

"I began my career at the Sovereignty as a scout, yes. You were wondering how I knew Eva's aura." She replied, and then stopped, turning her head to Wing. "Why?"

“It’s probably nothing, but I thought I saw the ice Natural’s aura sparkling a little.”

“Sparkling?”

“Yes.” Wing paid attention to Gwen’s expression – or, at least, what he could see of it from behind her blindfold-mask. She didn’t look very bothered. “I think something might be wrong with my Donovan Glass, but I thought I saw small strands jumping off the ice Natural and vanishing in the air. But they were not strands in the sense that they were nearly one-dimensional – no, they were not like that; rather, they had volume. Almost like fibres of some kind actually.”

“Fibres,” Gwen repeated with a tone of concern. “It would be best if you looked down there again. But this time, do it from a different place.”

After returning to the edge and setting up the Donovan Glass, Wing carefully strafed sideways, while looking at the source of the sparks. It wasn’t long until he stood back up and returned to Gwen.
“I’m not sure if you were looking for this, General,” he said. “I couldn’t identify it. I’ve never seen anything like it before. The fibres – it’s an aura. A bandit’s aura.”

Part 2

Pound, crash, pound, crash. It sounded like the dillies were making noise just for the sheer fun of it. No sense of notes, no harmony, no pace, no anything. Of course, to expect coherent music from savages is like to request an operatic choir from pigs. Personally, I think we're doing them a favour by putting them out of their misery. Getting paid handsomely for the three dilly Naturals doesn't hurt either, although I would've debated with myself coming here if we were only being paid for this. Fortunately, this particular dilly village is nice and stocked up with supplies. Beats overpaying those Zhottite gluttons for food - they're always too happy to take back the gold they paid us.

"Ein - we're ready," I heard Hannibal's hoarse whisper right next to me. "The crossbows are high, the swords are low, the stabbers are close. We counted fifty-two dillies, most jumping, smashing rocks, and hooing around the bonfire."

I looked into the center of the village. Just as Hannibal said - bunch of dillies were dancing around the fire in the middle, with three sitting cross-legged closer to the flames than the rest. There were whitestone lines on the ground, connecting the three. Bet dillies felt real proud of themselves when they figured out how to use whitestone to paint their weak excuse for art, the cliff overhead showing most of their expositions. Birds, horses, hummingbirds…

The three important-looking dillies in the middle, it seemed, were the Naturals. That one - the one with the blue ribbon on his fat arm - that'll be the first one that I'll put to sleep. As the Zhotts told me, there was a fire, ice, and force Natural here. The ice one would be the hardest to take down, seeing as few blades cut through those frost shields of theirs. Once he's unconscious, he won't matter; the other two will probably panic and show me a nice display of fireworks, giving me a pretty good idea as to what they can do.

"Have two crossbows aim at two Naturals - the two that aren't that one in front of us. If they start, hit the lower body only, do not kill them under any circumstances," I whispered back. "I'll get the fat one. The stabbers will pick off the out-wanderers, two crossbows can take down the dillies right next to my fatty. The last crossbow should watch anyone that sees me and put them down. The swords will only move if the dillies are expanding from the village. As soon as I bag my dilly, tell all lows to get down to the ground, and all highs to hold on to the branches."

I saw a nod from Hannibal with the corner of my eye, and began closing in on the ice Natural. The portly savage was smashing stone-headed clubs on a drum in front of him, as were the other two. Seemed really into it, too. That's good - his attention was low, and he shouldn't give the wire much trouble when it's on him. The fire hid the Naturals from each other's fields of view. Using the flames to my advantage, I crept along the walls of a wooden hut closer to him, while preparing the green-coloured wire. This was the best purchase I made from the Zhotts - I have never regretted a single silver I spent on it, not once (although I refuse to call it by their name. It's quite rude).

Without coming out from my cover too far, I tossed the Green - tied into a lasso loop - right in between two dillies passing by the Natural. The loop successfully landed on the Natural's neck. He certainly noticed the instrument of his quickly approaching coma, but didn't give it much thought - just brushed it off his neck, likely thinking it an artefact of the surrounding flora. But the loose wire stayed secure on his throat. I carefully fed the wire forward a little bit, to get it low to the ground - wouldn't want a dilly tripping on it and alerting everyone around him. Now that it was out of the way, I made my way back to the bush, favourably noting that several out-wandering dillies were already suffering from a mild case of capital dismemberment in the tall grass. Good work, stabbers. Very good.

Having placed myself more or less out of sight, I returned to my previous hideout in the forest. Hannibal was already back, grinning at me.

"They didn't start," he said. "And the crossbows, with all their trigger-happy fingers, managed not to shoot a dilly anyway. I'd imagine you already saw the fine works of Groth and Rudd generously painting the ground red, eh?"

"Everyone is a part of the team," I replied. "Everyone knows what they're doing. This is good. Now, if you don't mind..."

"Of course," Hannibal said and grabbed on to the Green. We nodded thrice in unison, counting down - and, with an eye-popping effort, pulled the wire.

The force of the snapping Green sent us flying into the bush, but we were too far away - and drowned out by the noise of the drums - for anyone to notice. The Natural forcefully fell backwards, knocking his drum on his head, struggling to get the loop of Green off his throat. After gagging for a few seconds, he stilled - just in time for other dillies to arrive. As he stopped resisting, the Green loosened up and fell off. If we dared to drag a Natural's corpse to the Zhotts, I think our partnership could be effectively considered over (and that’s putting it lightly – what I mean when I say that is “heads will roll”).

A few dillies tried to wake the Natural up - to no avail, of course. Loss of consciousness by asphyxiation doesn't wear off this quickly. Some of the women cried. The other Naturals also gathered around their fallen comrade.

“What say you, gentlemen?” I addressed Hannibal as well as Rudd, who just came back. His dagger was positively glistening with fresh blood. “We’ll take down one more Natural, and I’m pretty sure we can rush them. Otherwise, the dillies are going to start worrying about those over there.” I nodded toward the corpses in the grass.

“I’m in,” Rudd was the first to reply. “A little hungry, too. I’d almost go as far as to suggest rushing them now, but seeing as they’re all alert (especially the Naturals), I wouldn’t risk it.”

“Then it’s decided,” I announced. “I’m going to bag the force user, and we can charge them.”

For the most part, it was actually quite easy to tell which Naturals had what power just by looking at them – in fact, one could make conclusions even if one has never encountered that kind of Natural before. Ice users carried much extra weight to protect themselves from cold; their ability to conjure frost shields around them effectively killed any reason to dodge projectiles. Even a fireball rarely punched through a well-powered ice wall. Fire casters were rather like one of the two Naturals carrying the third one to a medicine hut – lanky for efficient blood cooling as well as tanned for flare protection, and quite muscular to dodge well: although packing a strong punch, they couldn’t defend themselves with their power alone. Seeing as they’re Naturals – people who are born with and who die with their ability and their ability alone – they have a lifetime to adapt to their gift.

Unfortunately, the dillies smartened up. They stopped their inane ritual – maybe because they finally figured that ten of them were missing, or maybe because they couldn’t continue banging their drums without the third Natural. Didn’t look like it was the former, as they all headed back to their huts, with the majority of them going to the medicine hut to attend to the fainted chubby. I used the opportunity to retrieve my loop of Green and reattach it to the rest of the spool. Meanwhile… the force Natural. It was the one that was not lanky; a woman, unsurprisingly. About three quarters of force users belonged to the fairer sex.

It was only another five minutes when she and the other Natural left the healing hut. They said something to each other before parting ways; being dillies, probably something about appeasing their hummingbird god by sacrificing dragonflies – you know, their chief competitor size-wise. Really, what kind of culture worships something like a hummingbird? Why do they even need Naturals in the first place?

Sneaking around and behind the huts, I quickly passed the Natural. It would be unwise to let her enter her house – if she had a trace of a brain, she would likely close off the doorway with a fraction of her power. Fraction as it may be, it was plenty enough to stop a normal man (or a normal weapon) from entering. Finding a nice spot in the shadow, I waited for her to come closer.

I didn’t have to wait too long. Her hut was in front of the one I was hiding in, the door facing me. Just as she turned her back at me, I threw a well-aimed rock at the back of her head. Letting out somewhat of a yelp, the dilly fell over. Maybe I need to stuff her deeper into the hut; make it look like she hurt herself. No one should know that I’m –

In retrospect, it was really good that I stayed close to the ground. If I did not, I would be a talking torso right now, for at that moment in time, a great sickle of flames swept right over me. Half of the force Natural’s shanty was gone; the other was burning. My hair got caught in the turbulence and was also set aflame. Although quite embarrassing, sticking my head into the nearest puddle of filth was better than being bald. Damn… how did he see me?

The booming gibberish of the fire Natural smoked the dillies from their meagre residences like a torch in a beehive. The dillies swarmed me with a surprising nimbleness. I was the focal point of a good twenty very pointy spears. The fire Natural – whom I took to be the tribe leader – began barking something at me. I didn’t really catch most of it, because… well, because the serpent began to wake up.

Here I was, shaking, dripping with a semi-liquid concoction of water, feces, and earth. And to think that my bleached hair so beautifully stood out moments ago. Maybe that’s why he saw me? I don’t really remember the rest of my train of thought. Motions started to blur, and I felt my blades slide out of their sheath. He was about halfway awake when I heard the Serpent’s Horn roll over the canopies of the trees and crawl up the great cliff overhead. The rest of the band noticed me and my state, I guess. Good Hannibal. Good boy, so very good. The horn just pushed me further into oblivion, and the last thing I remember – a little while after losing memory of my sight – is inhuman howling, likely coming out of my own chest.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2009, 09:08:11 PM by D. Ein »

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Subject No. III VI +


Virmir

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Reply #1 on: June 05, 2009, 07:05:22 PM
Aww, the characters make me feel nostalgic. [;)

Nifty aura-sight goggle things!  Too early to form much of an opinion, but looking forward to the next part!

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Lopez

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Reply #2 on: June 05, 2009, 09:02:36 PM
Be cautious. As Virmir said, the characters make him feel nostalgic. Therefore, each of these characters has background connections us...other people know nothing about. THEREFORE, because you know more about your characters than we do, you might hold a tendency to underdevelop them. Uh...therefore(Sorry, I kind of don't have another word for this) watch the balance of character+plot=story so that it doesn't fade too heavily into plot. You do fairly in this part, but it's something to watch out for. {:)

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


D. Ein

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Reply #3 on: June 05, 2009, 09:13:37 PM
I only use these old characters as a base. I am writing under the assumption that no one knows anything about them. In fact, most of them are quite different from what they were in DAL - Gwen was a crazy swords-woman with five blades (and she was too awesome to use a cane), Wing was a psychotic cannibal, Hannibal was some weird assassin...guy, I never really got into him, and Ein was a slightly insane shapeshifter \ sigil carver. For the most of them, I only use their personalities for this story.

Thank you guys very much for your feedback.

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Subject No. III VI +


KaiAdin

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Reply #4 on: June 05, 2009, 11:03:11 PM
My only complaint is that this section ended just when they were getting to the good bits! ];)

I do hope you explain a bit more in-story (or out of it) how the auras work! As I'm curious to how a 'bandit' would have an aura? Since I assume its more of a profession than a type of magic ]:P.

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Lopez

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Reply #5 on: June 06, 2009, 10:39:50 AM
Aghhhh ending right when the action's about to start! >.< I like your first person perspective. I initially doubted your ability with it at first, but you seemed to adapt to it more as you wrote on. The important thing with First-Person-Past is that the person knows everything that happened to him, and changes his perspective according to all the points that lead up to the time reference where he's telling the story. o.O That's...why I always do First-Person-Present.

"Maybe I need to stuff her deeper into the hut; make it look like she hurt herself. No one should know that I’m –" WAAAAATCH THE PERSPECTIVE. First person is VERY difficult because of this reason. You slip into present here...

"In retrospect, it was really good that I stayed close to the ground." ...but it was saved by this line. This is what I'm talking about in terms of reflection. You would need to start it as "I thought about stuffing..." In first person past, You'll find yourself hindered a bit by the phrases, "I believed, I thought, I wondered." Once you adapt to them, you'll be able to improve your writing in this perspective.

Hmmm...yeah, I still don't know enough about the story to wrap my head around it. I look forward to the next part, then!

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


D. Ein

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Reply #6 on: June 06, 2009, 11:22:24 AM
Ah, yes. Tenses. My favourite part of any language. :P

Yes, my problem with first person is that the only other time I wrote in first person, I did little in the way of describing actions, so I never really got a chance to juggle tenses like I did right there. The next part will be in third-person, though (and I hope to reveal a few things, storyline-wise, in it).

Speaking of the story: so far, I really don't have an ending or even a concise plot. I think of my writing as one of them violent Hollywood films; as in, there is little to see beyond the face value, but I'm sure that if you look hard enough, you'll find some other meaning or metaphor (which I would've worked in there unconsciously).

Again, thanks very much for reading and criticism, I really appreciate it.

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Subject No. III VI +


Virmir

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Reply #7 on: June 06, 2009, 01:47:34 PM
Part 2: Well paced, exciting action.  Can't really say much more than what's been said, so looking forward to more. [:)

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KaiAdin

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Reply #8 on: June 06, 2009, 04:56:28 PM
*Smacks head* Oh! I was wondering where Part 2 Was, I didn't know it was appended to the end of the first post. ]:P

*goes to read it*

Edit (managed to read it finally):  Ah cools! I guess we'll be switching perspectives throughout the story? Can't wait to see the rest!  ]:)
« Last Edit: June 08, 2009, 03:04:15 AM by KaiAdin »

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D. Ein

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Reply #9 on: June 09, 2009, 09:08:18 PM
Part 3

I woke up to the sore complaints of my brain at its skullcase for being far too small. Vision still blurred, I tried moving, only to regret the decision moments later: my bandaged foot hurt, though I could not remember what reason it had to be bandaged for. Last thing I recalled was the Serpent's wake. As usual, following that was pristine darkness.

The crust of dried tears welding my eyelids shut gave way to a dim glow as I brushed my face off with my palm. My clothes were different - a black cloak draped on a man two feet shorter than whomever it was intended for, buttoned up, with no other features. It was only at this point that I realized that I had no idea where I was - somehow, my attire warranted greater attention than my immediate surroundings. These loosely followed the depressing colour scheme of my cloak: black metal walls glistening with a mysterious moisture, a series of dark red tubes lining the ceiling (probably the source of the aforementioned precipitation), and a featureless stone door with a single window. A surprisingly bright lantern burned in the corridors on the other side, but due to the disappointing size of the opening in the monolithic door, the chamber I was in received only a fraction of its light.

My captors were certainly nice people, having left me alive and all, but nevertheless, I had no plans of staying here. There was a warband for me to lead - the Zhott machines weren't going to feed themselves, and neither were we. Convinced that it was the dillies that bagged me (though the question of how they defeated the Serpent still remained - these bandages on my foot probably held the answer to that) and dragged me to some rogue Zhott faction, I began to look for a way out. There was no reason for Zhotts to keep slaves, except the rather gruesome one that I didn't want to think about.

There was a horizontal groove in the wall that concealed another vermilion pipe. Warm to the touch; a slight hiss after I put my ear to it. Surprisingly, it was also dry on the outside, which meant that the occasional droplet running down the uneven surface of the metal wall had to come from a different source. The pipe ran all the way around the room, ending up somewhere behind the stone door. I wasn't even sure whether that was a door or whether I was sealed in here alive - it didn't exactly appear functional, being little more than a giant slab of stone with no apparent seam between the floor and itself.  After failing to find any helpful feature in the slab, I heard footsteps and speech approaching from the corridor on the left.

Now, I figured, there is no reason to alert them. I returned to the cot I woke up on, facing the wall, closed my eyes, and waited. After reaching their peak - I heard them clearly now, one male, one female - the voices ceased, being replaced with shuffling. A metallic screech of a lever... a sound of liquid being sucked from somewhere. Then a very strange sound, something like what one would hear when walking over ice that's barely holding up. A sudden rush of air - the door opened? By the sound of their footsteps, I heard them approach me.

With utmost care, I relaxed my left eyelid a little, just enough to let a tiny stream of light through. Before me was the wall; moisture upon that. I looked to a larger droplet to see a warped reflection of my visitors.

Again, more black and vermilion. Long black coats, sleeveless, with dark red trim. I could only really see the woman in any detail; I couldn't tell their height, but she was definitely shorter than the man. His arm was resting on her shoulders, and she held a straight wooden staff in her left hand, parallel to the ground.

"Du-sett," the male voice said with a sigh. "De ikke vu su dorsett... derde... avo helle? Da helle unveldig, furdai!"

The woman replied with some other assorted gibberish. They were not speaking any dialect of Zhottite I knew of; their language did not even sound anything like Zhottite. After chattering for a few brief seconds, they turned to leave. And that's when I heard it.

The quietest sound of Arrinian steel grinding against the collar of a snake-leather sheath. You know how when you live with your parents, you grow to recognize your father's sigh, even if it was in a crowd? Or your mother's touch, even if you had just been blinded? The same story applies to weapons. For the long ten years I've had my swords, I learned every sound they made as I walked long treks through the otherwise silent wastelands. One of the people - probably the man, as I didn't see them on the woman - had my swords.

The cloak I woke up with held the merit of being very silent. I slithered out of the overly large garb (of course, they had to take away ALL my clothes except this, so I ended up naked), and quickly scanned the room. I noticed my swords immediately, held by the man in his right hand. I lept at him and pulled my weapons out of their sheathes.

After as little as a surprised gasp, the man's head tumbled to the ground. His still-standing, wavering body gugrled a dying bubble of blood out of his aorta before collapsing. It popped, showering my nude body with a red mist... I am the angel of death. The woman turned and tried to run, stumbling - yes, she was blind, and depended on that man to guide her, useless otherwise. But she committed the most mortal of sins by coming to my chamber, for she was an enemy! And I took my blade, and I drew it back, and I lopped it, and it flew like a silver arrow of an Aesgaard emissary taking souls to the place beyond the skies, and I severed her spine by piercing her neck from behind, and she collapsed, and, dying, she gurgled a languished ode of expiration, and I laughed, laughed, laughed...!!

It was quite fun imagining that. I know for a fact now that that fantasy had kept me from toppling over into the abyss - to which I was so close at times - for a saddeningly long stretch of my life. The painful truth was blocked out of my memory for quite some time.

She allowed me, I think - she let me draw the blades, for as soon as I moved, I noticed with but a corner of my eye (as I was focused on my swords at the time) that she stopped walking. The man noticed nothing up until the point where I reclaimed my weapons. The hands gripped the hilts tightly, I was well-rested. Two people couldn't possibly stop me, I thought then. But when my usually unblockable, undodgeable, absolutely fatal decapitating slash was deflected by a seemingly casual move of a blind woman's cane - oh, I should have known to apologize. If I did, perhaps she wouldn't turn to face me.

Mildly cursing my luck, I went to stab the woman for interrupting the execution. No combat stance, no infuriated scowl, absolutely nothing told me that she could fight - and yet, my stab, too, was deflected by a slight wave of the cane. Before I could recover from bewilderment, she struck back, smashing the cane's butt end into my forehead. Blood was drawn, leaking into my eyes. I angrily slashed her with my left sword, but this time, she put a little effort into waving that staff - the sword went flying across the corridor, tumbling, crying of embarrassment. Its ring against the stone did little to push me out of the resulting daze - which quickly turned back into anger. Blinded by rage and blood, I charged at her with a feral roar from the very bowels of my lungs. She tripped me.

She tripped me.

She slammed her staff on my bandaged foot, moving ever so little out of my way, and I fell down. Smashed my head into the other wall of the corridor, like a naked idiot. Though I was not yet in any danger (but a lot of pain), the sheer tidal wave of unspeakable anger that washed over me was enough to wake the Serpent from its slumber. But... it didn't come out. Now in a drunk, half-conscious state, I tried to pull myself back into the chamber, away from her, to see all of the moisture on the walls fill the room with a crimson glow. Thousands of droplets, spinning like wheels of sanguine fire from the tears in my eyes, taunting me... I think I heard the man laugh and clap before a half-strength swing of a staff across my cheek put me out cold.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2009, 05:32:56 PM by D. Ein »

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Subject No. III VI +


Lopez

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Reply #10 on: June 09, 2009, 09:35:27 PM
Noooooo I liked your first person... {:( However, you're writing so far into Rudd's head here that you might as well be in first. That's a washover from writing the previous part in first person. But if you continue to write your story alternating  Ein's first person with the objective third person view, you'll probably end up with a bit of an equilibrium style. Which might be nice. I still like your first person better, though.

Examples of heavy-first person influence.
Quote
Then the door... vanished?

Wait... glowing?

What utter tripe.

At the end, you clear it up, it becomes more objective....and therefore more boring again. Sorry 'bout that.

Hmmmmm....slightly....boring ending. I feel like I don't really care what happens to Rudd. At all. He exhibits anger...and disbelief...so he has emotions, but I just don't really care what happens to him all that much. The problem is that...he doesn't really have a...GOAL. I don't really know what he WANTS to do. I mean, I know where he IS, but where does he WANT to go? Until I figure out where he WANTS to go can I start using my imagination to figure out how he's going to get there. At that point, I'm interested.

Uhhhhh...I look forward to the next part nevertheless?...(Points to signature)


All above is now irrelevant due to D.Ein's update.  {:)
« Last Edit: June 11, 2009, 01:04:27 PM by Lopez »

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


D. Ein

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Reply #11 on: June 10, 2009, 05:55:27 PM
Updated part 3

!!!! , ...

Subject No. III VI +


Lopez

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Reply #12 on: June 11, 2009, 01:48:19 PM
YAY! First person! A few notes here and there.

Quote
It popped, showering my nude body with a red mist... I am the angel of death.

This sentence is VERY interesting. The problem starts with the word "Showering." This is a present tense word. There are times when you can use present tense words along with past tense words. By using "showering" along with "popped", you indicate that the "showering" occurred at exactly the same time as the "popped." However, when you look closer at this structure, you can see that this is not so. The "Showering" occurred AFTER the popped, unless this is some magical idea that's just out of my grasp. Therefore, you would need to say "It popped and showered" or "It popped then showered" or "It popped, and then showered", to indicate the proper time reference.

Unfortunantly, your use of "showering" in the present tense encouraged you to write present tense for the rest of the sentence, resulting in "I am", which is also in the present tense. There are excuses for using this, if you want to use them. Actually, it might work well if all you do is add a simple "FOR" to the beginning of the structure. "For I am the angel of death." This would mean that, while he is telling this story, he still thinks himself as the angel of death. He has not changed in this respect from this incident that happened to him.

I like your "Imagination switch." I shouldn't criticize you for this, since I used it myself in "Gone", but I feel as if it could use improvement, since you use it for something different than I used it for.

Ultimately, when you make an "imagination switch" in this kind of first person, you need to state exactly where the "possible" and "unrealistic" separates. Unfortunately, I became confused by this, because I felt that him stealing the swords was in itself unrealistic. This is due to the "distance issue". I, for some reason or another, felt they were a bit far away from him at the time he made his move. Would he really be that off-guard that he could just snag his sword back? Perhaps he would be, but the narrator makes no mention of his observation of the man's state of mind. Therefore, I assumed that someone who had the prisoner's sword would be alert about that sword. Apparently, he wasn't. Therefore, you need to correct my disbelief. This disbelief led me to think that him pulling out his sword was part of his imagination, too, which made me confused by "she let me draw the blades".

Hm...use of questions is generally not done in first-person past tense.
Quote
A sudden rush of air - the door opened?
Although...you break this rule CORRECTLY
Quote
You know how when you live with your parents, you grow to recognize your father's sigh, even if it was in a crowd?
in that section. Think of it this way. You're telling a friend about what happened as you walked on the way to school.

Quote
A funny thing happened to me the other day. I got the point in the street with the crosswalk and the crossing light. You know, the one next to Daniel's house?(Correct rule-breaking) The light turned white, and I began to cross the street. I walked across, staring at the ground(Two things that, indeed, happened at the same time.) when a car suddenly honked at me! "The light changed while I wasn't looking?"(Would you actually say this? This is what's happening in your story.) Then I realized that the light changed while I wasn't looking! That light is pretty darn fast, if you ask me.(present tense, indicates still true opinion.)

I hope this helps...somewhat. I still like your first-person better than your third. {:) Agh....you always have a knack for ending on cliff-hangers. {:(

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


D. Ein

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Reply #13 on: June 11, 2009, 02:20:47 PM
Thanks, Lopez!

I didn't  realize I took the imagination switch thing from your story. It just kind of came to me when I was writing that section. The stealing thing - you're right - although the cell space was quite small, it still seems awkward to me (I wrote it when I was quite tired, and edited it when I was completely exhausted). I will look at adjusting that part.

The first question ("The door... opened?") was there to signify his confusion. I guess I could replace it with "Apparently, the door opened, because..." etc.

Also, there is one issue that's bothering me. Technical details are very important, but they can be fixed, and my style will (I hope) improve after a sufficient amount of reading / writing (Lovecraft ftw). What I would really like to know is, above all, is it interesting? There isn't much of a story so far, but does my writing paint vivid scenes? Are these scenes forced, or do they come off naturally? In other words, I can keep writing 'till the world ends, but if it's not something that is interesting to read, there really isn't any point.

!!!! , ...

Subject No. III VI +


Lopez

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Reply #14 on: June 11, 2009, 06:10:05 PM
Your characters are more interesting than your magic. This is why your first person is a bit more interesting than your third person. HOWEVER: Note that I have a natural bias against magic in the first place, so use this when gauging my opinion.

My absolute hatred is "middle-range" magic. This represents magic that is explained a bit, but not really.

"Light-range" magic is magic helps develop their characters, and is simply dropped off in terms of explanations, for favor of more...symbolic meanings.(See MHD's story)

"Heavy-range" magic is entirely based in reality. Reads like a textbook. Most people hate this kind of magic. {:)

But I just can't really stand "Middle-range" magic. This magic is mainly...wonder magic, and simply used to push the story along. Leads to a lot of twists and turns, but not much real...development.

This is...kind of hard to explain. {:(

Therefore, I will give you a score of 6/10, with a score of "Moderately interesting". This is also due to my bias. See, if you look at all my stories, you'll see that they RARELY hit 3000 words, and I usually try to stick to 2000 words. Right now, you're edging 4000. What has happened? Not so much, it feels like. Try writing the next part, but limit yourself to three sentences per paragraph. You'll find that moves the action along at a bit more...frantic pace, which is more to my liking.

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!