Author Topic: The World Changes - random story  (Read 19099 times)

Donnie

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Reply #15 on: December 04, 2009, 07:27:20 PM
The World Changes - Segment 7

"Professor, the virus seems to have mutated."
"Is it harmful?"
"No... its harmless. But useless to our experiments."
"I see... so the fluids we recovered failed to save our experiments."
"Professor?"
"Mm?"
"But sir... the fumes?"
"Pray that the oxygen will dilute the fumes."
"*sigh*... the test subjects prove otherwise. The felines fell into a coma within a minute of exposure to the fluids we recovered. And the felines were separated with the best filter we could find."
"The men that recovered the stuff?"
"Fell within a minute of exposure. The rad suits seem to delay the effects... by ten minutes. Professor? What does the fluid do to us?"
"I don't know... blast, the cats flatlined..."
"Damn...."



KaiAdin

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Reply #16 on: December 04, 2009, 07:31:34 PM
Aieeee! the Poor Kittys! D:

Though this makes me wonder.. was this before.. or after they tried to uplift the foxes! ]:O

Losta interesting questions to answer!
« Last Edit: December 04, 2009, 07:33:59 PM by KaiAdin »

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Donnie

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Reply #17 on: December 04, 2009, 09:35:49 PM
The World Changes - Segment 8

Peter earned his two bit of coins. Money, something that even such a confused society as his needs to maintain any semblance of economic leveling. The coins were mostly tarnished but still had a slight gleam of silver on it. The silver is just a cover for something more basic but still, it was money. Peter heard in the past about how Re-Searchers found paper like money in old shops but that money disintegrated quickly. Peter isn't very sure how the human currency worked before they vanished, all he knew was this 'quarter' was worth twenty five bits, a small fortune as one could buy a week's worth of food with such.

Peter decided to take a visit to an old place he knew. It was hidden under a lot of rocks but it was once a food location. Peter entered the building and the smell of sweet pastries filled his muzzle. He saw himself as this place cooked these odd wheel shaped bits of food called 'doughnuts'. Beautifully tasty food and Peter had it all to himself. He bit into one of the soft bits but he felt something surge through his spine. He froze, not of any feeling he knew. He froze and fell backwards, unable to move and a doughnut stuck in his mouth. The world went dark around him as he passed out.



Pontos

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Reply #18 on: December 04, 2009, 10:05:27 PM
I'd hope that donuts factory is active, and not that Peter ate a 3 decades old donut lost in a table XD

Try writing more before posting a new part. It becomes a very short read which in the end doesn't make much progress on the story.
The length of Segment 2 and 3 were good if you want to write in short chapters  |:)



Lopez

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Reply #19 on: December 04, 2009, 11:06:30 PM
Wow...but this completely blew me away. Your writing has really improved. The most I can say at this point is KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! ]:)

My one critical advice would be to be careful with segments like: "...cooked these odd wheel shaped bits of food called 'doughnuts'." I haven't seen it so far, but it is possible to overdo this. Who knew? ]:) Whenever you want to point out an idea in human society that seems strange in their society, make you have a reason WHY it's strange. For example, I could see the main character, Peter, who follows this doctor stringent on avoiding inefficiency, would think doughnuts peculiar because they waste so much SPACE.

Again...keep it up. Even the doughnuts comment was very positive. Keep writing like this!
« Last Edit: December 04, 2009, 11:28:11 PM by Lopez »

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Donnie

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Reply #20 on: December 05, 2009, 11:16:58 PM
Thanks lopez  [:)

The World Changes... the next part.

Peter blinked a few times, having regained consciousness. The doughnut had fallen out of his mouth long before he had regained his consciousness.
"Ouugh..." he groaned, his stomach straining in hunger. He took the fallen doughnut and ate it quickly, and ate several more in storage. He turned off the lights inside the building but it got dark, extremely dark. The sun had fallen and no moon was up tonight. His eyes adjusted to the little light that seeps in from the streetlights outside.
Peter mentally thanked the Re-Searchers for finding out how to run the powerplants and bring power to the city. Peter crawled out of the building and looked around. His mini ford was still where he left it but it was wet. In fact the air was wet... it had rained. Peter looked into the sky, pitch black. If it rained the clouds must be very thick. But when he last saw the sky was clear. He wondered how long he had been knocked out... better question would be WHY he had passed out...

****

A vixen came out of the shadows holding two kits in her mouth and laid the kit on a pile of news papers. A human struggled into the alley but fell into a coma at the mouth of the alley.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2009, 11:11:55 AM by Donnie »



KaiAdin

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Reply #21 on: December 06, 2009, 03:53:06 AM
Oh maybe Ponty mentioned this on chat I think... but I guess the last section (the last two sentences) happened soonish after the vixen escaped?

(maybe you should have put some thing to delineate it? it confused me for a bit ]:P)
« Last Edit: December 06, 2009, 03:55:13 AM by KaiAdin »

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Tvorsk

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Reply #22 on: December 06, 2009, 07:33:15 AM
Hmm... one other (improbable) possibility is that Peter just have been ported (Back in time? To a parallel universe? Somewhere?) to the realm of humans and the lab vixen.

But if Kai's right, then yea - a [ hr ] or "***" would be a good way to mark a "scene switch".

Keep it comin'!

Thanks for reading,
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Donnie

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Reply #23 on: December 06, 2009, 07:10:47 PM
That night, Peter had an odd nightmare. He saw foxies but... they weren't like him. Quite frankly he saw them as animals. No voices, no clothes, nothing. Just animals... But Peter saw himself as he was himself. Himself dying from... being near the fox? He shook his head but could not shake off the anxiety. He also remembered seeing these humans all dead around him. From the foxie too? Peter stood from his mat bed in a treehouse and made his way to the mall.

On the way to the mall he saw nobody else along the road... Peter has read a few novels in the past and this feels suspiciously like a scene he read... He'd call out but the noise from his mini ford would muffle his voice, so he didn't bother speaking on the way to the mall. It was morning, the gray sky cast an eerie mood across the city. Peter parked his mini ford right at the entrance of the library.

Peter, the fox kit made his way into the Doctor's lab to ask him about his dream... but the odd emptiness surrounding him. He knocked on the doctor's door but there was no answer. Peter inched open the door and called out for the doctor... but all he saw inside was something he never thought he'd see...

The doctor wasn't in, that is for sure... but a feral vixen sat there waiting for him.



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Reply #24 on: December 10, 2009, 06:03:52 PM
I finally caught up and am rather enjoying these.  Keep them coming. [:)

[fox] Virmir