I put this on my "To Do List" and promptly lost the list, but hey, I remembered now!
I enjoyed the story, and would really like to see what happens next. As Virmir said, there were a few typos, but other than that it was pretty well done. It does have a video game intro feel to it, or maybe a similar movie scene, but that's not a bad thing in the slightest. As I said, I would love to see the story continued, I think you have something interesting here.