Crimson Flag Comic Forums
Other Realms => Writer's Guild => Topic started by: Donnie on December 03, 2009, 11:04:21 PM
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Just something random I am writing. So you know I am making this as I go with no direction >_>.
Be aware I do NOT proof read these. I make these as I go, not preplanned.
The plan is: Write a segment, small critique on chat or replies. I try to adapt to suggestions and corrections. So you know this is almost 85% made on the spot and I plan on keepign it this way. What I mean is that I plan at MOST one segment ahead, not two or three, ONE.
The World Changes- Segment 1
The brightly lit white room was only disturbed by the red colored vixen restrained to a white painted metal table. She thrashed about and cried on the table in a vain attempt to free herself. Escape wasn't necessarily on her mind rather it was the painful restraints cutting into her flesh. The doctors were keen on avoiding strapping her down along the body, the vixen is pregnant and they do not wish any harm to come to any kits by a crushing belt strap. Two watchers behind a clear glass look upon the animal.
"Go fish." Said one of the white jacketed humans.
"Blast. I can't remember how to play this game!"
The other chuckled... partly because he too cannot remember how to play the game and cheated the other. A sudden yelp from the sealed room and the two watchers check the security cameras and the window.
"Poor girl, what are the big wigs gonna do to her?"
"Dunno Freddie, I hear stuff about the fur industry, genetics, or something. No idea really."
"Yeah... oh crap Gregg, check these vitals." Fred pointed to a monitoring system.
"Lowered body temp, heightened hormones... yep she's having kits... Not good, she's too early."
"Way too early, the docs aren't in till friday."
Gregg opened the observation room's door and entered the lab.
"Greggie! Whatcha doin'!?"
"My dog at home had pups, I sorta know what I am doing.. uhh... sorta..." He pressed a few buttons on the table and the restraints came loose. "C'mere foxie, we need to put you someplace comfortable."
The fox scampered back on the table and jumped back away. "Hey! Come back! Fred! Close the door!"
The exit to the lab closed shut but the fox climbed a set of metal containers and swiped her paw at a vent, opening it and escaped through it.
"Crap! Alert security! We have a loose specimen!"
"Already done Gregg! Computer just gave me emergency data access, we should see if this animal poses a threat." Fred typed search commands with one hand as he drank a cup of coffee and loaded up saved files on the lab's servers. The emergency protocols allow watchmen to access restricted information in case of a breech of containment.
"Containment team, this is Lab 1 Watch Fred Kice. We have a code green breech. Subject can NOT leave the building. Repeat, seal all vents and prevent external exposure."
But it was too late... before Fred even typed a word into the computer the vixen had escaped to the roof. She collapsed on the roof to rest though the effects were already in action...
To be Continued.
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Hmmm... an uplifted animal escaping into the wild to start a society of sentient foxes, perhaps? Sounds good to me. [;)
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Hmmm... an uplifted animal escaping into the wild to start a society of sentient foxes, perhaps? Sounds good to me. [;)
Only her and her descendants starting a society? Sounds kinda impossible >_>
Inbreeding gets useless after a few generations |:P
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The World Changes - Segment 2
Grass, concrete, grass, concrete, dirt. Peter stepped carefully over the sidewalk path. Looking down he saw his small foot pads bleed a bit. His parents kept telling him to wear feet cloth or thick feet pads. These things called 'shoes' whatever they were. Honestly they were far too large for his small feet. He stood on two feet like any good 'foxie' around here and most of the foxies he saw on the road walked barefoot anyways. But then they are walking on the flat road... Peter on the other hand is walking on a broken, segmented, and shattered side walk.
Peter crawled over this huge metal thing that was lodged into the side of the giant red cube. What were they called again? Buildings? The metal thing also had these four circles on them, wheels? Oh! A Ford! Now Peter remembers what his parents told him. Old Foxie Harold once fixed these 'Fords'. A brilliant inventor he was, he found a mini 'Ford' with only two wheels and made it work again. It was so small! He gave it to Peter as a present on his birthday though he keeps it hidden in one of these 'buildings' from bullie foxies. He hated them sooo much, the Gray colored foxies were mean but the reds can get nasty if you get close to them sometimes.
Peter traveled down the sidewalks even as they got more and more broken. Peter gave up and walked along the roads to spare his sensitive paw pads. He looked around a bit more, ah yes there is Lum's scrap hill! So many Fords all stacked up into a large hill! Though they all looked so broken and hurt... never to drive again. Lum sells pieces of these Fords to be used for... well anything! Mommie Foxie uses the 'wheel' inside it as a support for a cushion. It is a small chair but really comfy!
Peter found his special hiding building and reached for the door knob. It was difficult as the knob was so high but he managed to reach it! He turned quickly but the friction on his paw pads failed to grip the sleek brass knob. Peter gripped harder and managed to turn the thing, no easy task with the knob so far above him. There it was, his mini 'ford'. Peter pulled it out through the door. It was hard but not something he hasn't practiced in the past. He checked the juice box the mini runs off of, half full. Peter made a note in his mind to refill the juice.
Peter looked up at the odd green hanging sign over the middle of the road.
"Drayton, north south sooo..." Peter looked side to side "37th street here... Okay down 37th." Peter drives his mini ford down the road and made a right turn off of 'Abe~corn' and headed south. He was heading to the largest building he knows. Some place called... Oge's Thorpe.
To Be Continued
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Only her and her descendants starting a society? Sounds kinda impossible >_>
Inbreeding gets useless after a few generations |:P
Unless hybrids between sentient/non sentient foxes are possible.. Sentience could be like a dominant trait....
ANYWAY.. on the 2nd part.. haha I suspect this is Decades? after the 1st part.. YAY Downfall of MAn!
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The World Changes - Segment 3
Abe's Corn road wasn't so bad up north. A nice and large road to move on, but further south it gets really bad. Peter disliked the 'Count Down' roads with a passion. 37th, 38th, 39th, onwards to 60th and beyond. These roads were overtaken by the local plant life and crashed Fords from the past. The plant growth has gotten so bad that the road has splintered and split apart from the aggressive tree roots surrounding the roads. This often led to a terribly bumpy road and made Peter miss the more stable treeless regions for the sake of riding comfortably.
A few minutes driving down the road Peter came the DeRenne marketplace. The place was once in bad shape like the rest of the city though the nature of the two intersecting roads and location made a good marketplace. Those of the north go south, south go north, east and west and all. A good central location. Peter checked his pockets and pulled out an old watch with no wrist band and checked the time. Eleven in the morning, he was late. He accelerated down the road about a mile or so heading further south.
He soon arrived at his destination, Oge's Thorpe. It wasn't the tallest building Peter has seen, in fact the place only had one floor, but it was the most expansive building he has yet seen. Fact is this place had so many fords parked perfectly side by side, their tanks full of juice, that this place once made the perfect juice harvesting location. There was even a huge ford with a giant tank full of the stuff parked nearby. Peter would fill up soon but Doctor wanted to see him and quick.
Peter scampered off towards Oge's Thorpe and came in front of one of the many entrances. The original text above the entrance has fallen long ago, Peter can't remember what it said last time. Whatever it was this entrance led to a library of some kind. Books everywhere, and these so called "Re-Searching" fellows are reading through as many of them as they can. Peter never really had the patience to read one of these books, in fact it was almost impossible for him to put himself into the shoes of who the heck were the people being portrayed.
"How intriguing..." said a Re-Searcher, "These... Huh Mans seem to really like badly written romance."
The comment was followed by laughter from the other Searchers.
"You'll get used to it. Don't take any of those romances seriously, it is just Huh Mans making stupid things."
Huh Mans so they were pronounced, Peter saw that they were spelled Humans though he wasn't sure in which manner to pronounce it. These must have been the people that built the city in the first place considering their faces are everywhere. No mystery as to what they looked like. If they were any more interested in their appearance on books and signs then they'd be plastered on walls. Still, Peter gave them credit for leaving so much information behind.
Peter entered a large room that was once one of these clothes stores, converted into a sort of mini lab.
"Doctor Hannigan? Sorry I am late. Doctor?" Peter squeaked as he searched for the doctor.
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The World Changes - Segment 4
"A history lesson young man." said a white vulpine dressed in a white lab outfit, "What is this place?"
"Its your lab isn't it Doctor?" Asked Peter.
"... no what is that place beyond my doors? And don't say 'Hall'. What is this building?"
"Um, Oge's Thorpe? At least that is what the huge sign says."
"Partially correct, and honestly I am a bit of a fan of new names for old locales. Still, to correct you, this place was once called 'Oglethorpe'. I believe its original nature does not yet elude you?"
"No sir, I think. I brought the supplies you asked." He held up a paper bag full of apples.
"Ah yes! Fruit, I am famished." he took the bag and began peeling it with a knife. "Please continue."
"Well... my parents..."
"Don't tell me what your parents said boy, tell me what you think." the doctor interrupted.
"I think... I think it is a marketplace?"
"Close Peter, close. In the past this place was once called a 'Mall'. A place where people from all over the city gather to spend their hard worked earnings to obtain the objects they desire. But I ask you this... what happened to those that came before us?"
The doctor cut the apple into slices and put them onto a ceramic plate. Peter helped himself to his share of the apples while the doctor looks through a pile of text books.
"Our predecessors, as materialistic they may be, had a perchance to document or record as many things as possible. We have a mountain of knowledge at our paws, but something is utterly wrong here in this world."
Peter nodded, as all kits do when they don't get all the details.
"Peter, have you spoken to your grandparents?"
"No sir, they don't really like to talk much."
"Have you ever wondered.... why?"
To be continued.
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Ohh the last bit was awesome.... so the main character is just a child, rather than a 'new' uplift (ie where they dont have a society and such)
So the grandparents cant speak eh... *suspects his Crossbreeding between sentinent/non sentinent foxes was more valid than he originally thought*
Also the watches thing was nice.. + the fords haha, so it wasn't that long ago things fell ]:O
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Fantastic. I love this. [:)
Great touch having the foxes name things their own way. And great ending to part four. Really looking forward to reading more. [:)
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The World Changes - Segment 5
The doctor walks up to a poster on the wall. It was a poster of some kind of woman smiling with excessively brightly painted lips. The smile itself is rather disturbing as it is obviously a fake smile.
"My my have we come a long way," the doctor started, "One day, just out of the blue, we 'woke up'. As if out of nowhere our eyes saw, our ears heard, and our mouths spoke. No memory of whatever came before us. That day many people died, hundreds woke up sitting in their Fords and the immediate realization that they don't know how to use it." The doctor grabbed the poster and tore it apart.
"So we all just appeared here, right? I heard some old timers talk about it, you know? My parents told me about how our grandies woke up one day and were just standing there."
"Just like every 'grandie' out there. They suddenly 'wake up' with no memory. I do not even want to know what that day was like. Imagine the sheer chaos!"
Peter shuddered at the thought of it as well. "Sounds... scary."
"Beyond scary child. The one thing we have to thank is our community spirit. After the initial chaos we all came together and tried to understand. Feh, not like it did much good."
"Why? What happened?"
"Oh well... we did not have a lack of information. Truly. It did take time for the first generation to actually learn this language and text, but once we did things came easily enough but what we don't understand was how the heck did we get here...?"
"Do you know how we got here, Doctor?"
"I have my theories..."
"Is it like that.... um... transformation theory, Doctor?"
To be continued... again
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Yay! TF!
Yeah, i like that subgenre a lot |:P
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Hahah! I like where the story is going, and the possible way the human world ended. Rather interesting spin to it.
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The World Changes - Segment 6
"Transformation? Pah! Rubbish! If we were a race of pea brained sized rodents, then perhaps I'd go along with such a romanticized story, but please... really now?"
"S...sorry doctor!"
"Not your fault child. I've dabbled in some of these books of genetics. It was quite a complex read but one thing I learned is that changes to a body happen slo~owly. There is nooo way that we were once these... furless creatures. Our grandfathers tell us that they suddenly woke up in the middle of.. well... anything. It was as if we were living a life... then suddenly forgot everything."
"But we all weren't like that right?"
"All of the grand parents, yes, but people such as you came about the normal way. Even I had parents that bore me, but to them they know not of any parents."
Peter took a bite out of an apple and swallowed.
"Soo um... what do you think?"
"This is the hard part. If we were never humans in the past, what were we? Why did we inherit the world of humanity? Why did we loose our memories? To be honest I have no -clear- theory. Only that we cannot be transformed humans. It is utterly impossible. If the transformation took but a few seconds then people would have woken up -already- in a ford pileup accident. People woke up as if one second it was normal, and suddenly they have no recollection of what happened and where they were but were in the -actions- of doing it."
Peter mumbled childishly, confused at the Doctor's rambling. "So... you don't know what happened."
"My child... NOBODY... knows.."
Stay tuned for the next episode >_>.
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*cries*
Oh well, it's interesting nonetheless |:P
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YAY NOT TF! woo! Woot for Genetics! ]:)
/me pats Ponty... hehehe
Ohh.. maybe they refer to 'waking up' as gaining sentience, a more metaphorical way of putting it I guess!
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The World Changes - Segment 7
"Professor, the virus seems to have mutated."
"Is it harmful?"
"No... its harmless. But useless to our experiments."
"I see... so the fluids we recovered failed to save our experiments."
"Professor?"
"Mm?"
"But sir... the fumes?"
"Pray that the oxygen will dilute the fumes."
"*sigh*... the test subjects prove otherwise. The felines fell into a coma within a minute of exposure to the fluids we recovered. And the felines were separated with the best filter we could find."
"The men that recovered the stuff?"
"Fell within a minute of exposure. The rad suits seem to delay the effects... by ten minutes. Professor? What does the fluid do to us?"
"I don't know... blast, the cats flatlined..."
"Damn...."
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Aieeee! the Poor Kittys! D:
Though this makes me wonder.. was this before.. or after they tried to uplift the foxes! ]:O
Losta interesting questions to answer!
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The World Changes - Segment 8
Peter earned his two bit of coins. Money, something that even such a confused society as his needs to maintain any semblance of economic leveling. The coins were mostly tarnished but still had a slight gleam of silver on it. The silver is just a cover for something more basic but still, it was money. Peter heard in the past about how Re-Searchers found paper like money in old shops but that money disintegrated quickly. Peter isn't very sure how the human currency worked before they vanished, all he knew was this 'quarter' was worth twenty five bits, a small fortune as one could buy a week's worth of food with such.
Peter decided to take a visit to an old place he knew. It was hidden under a lot of rocks but it was once a food location. Peter entered the building and the smell of sweet pastries filled his muzzle. He saw himself as this place cooked these odd wheel shaped bits of food called 'doughnuts'. Beautifully tasty food and Peter had it all to himself. He bit into one of the soft bits but he felt something surge through his spine. He froze, not of any feeling he knew. He froze and fell backwards, unable to move and a doughnut stuck in his mouth. The world went dark around him as he passed out.
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I'd hope that donuts factory is active, and not that Peter ate a 3 decades old donut lost in a table XD
Try writing more before posting a new part. It becomes a very short read which in the end doesn't make much progress on the story.
The length of Segment 2 and 3 were good if you want to write in short chapters |:)
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Wow...but this completely blew me away. Your writing has really improved. The most I can say at this point is KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! ]:)
My one critical advice would be to be careful with segments like: "...cooked these odd wheel shaped bits of food called 'doughnuts'." I haven't seen it so far, but it is possible to overdo this. Who knew? ]:) Whenever you want to point out an idea in human society that seems strange in their society, make you have a reason WHY it's strange. For example, I could see the main character, Peter, who follows this doctor stringent on avoiding inefficiency, would think doughnuts peculiar because they waste so much SPACE.
Again...keep it up. Even the doughnuts comment was very positive. Keep writing like this!
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Thanks lopez [:)
The World Changes... the next part.
Peter blinked a few times, having regained consciousness. The doughnut had fallen out of his mouth long before he had regained his consciousness.
"Ouugh..." he groaned, his stomach straining in hunger. He took the fallen doughnut and ate it quickly, and ate several more in storage. He turned off the lights inside the building but it got dark, extremely dark. The sun had fallen and no moon was up tonight. His eyes adjusted to the little light that seeps in from the streetlights outside.
Peter mentally thanked the Re-Searchers for finding out how to run the powerplants and bring power to the city. Peter crawled out of the building and looked around. His mini ford was still where he left it but it was wet. In fact the air was wet... it had rained. Peter looked into the sky, pitch black. If it rained the clouds must be very thick. But when he last saw the sky was clear. He wondered how long he had been knocked out... better question would be WHY he had passed out...
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A vixen came out of the shadows holding two kits in her mouth and laid the kit on a pile of news papers. A human struggled into the alley but fell into a coma at the mouth of the alley.
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Oh maybe Ponty mentioned this on chat I think... but I guess the last section (the last two sentences) happened soonish after the vixen escaped?
(maybe you should have put some thing to delineate it? it confused me for a bit ]:P)
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Hmm... one other (improbable) possibility is that Peter just have been ported (Back in time? To a parallel universe? Somewhere?) to the realm of humans and the lab vixen.
But if Kai's right, then yea - a [ hr ] or "***" would be a good way to mark a "scene switch".
Keep it comin'!
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That night, Peter had an odd nightmare. He saw foxies but... they weren't like him. Quite frankly he saw them as animals. No voices, no clothes, nothing. Just animals... But Peter saw himself as he was himself. Himself dying from... being near the fox? He shook his head but could not shake off the anxiety. He also remembered seeing these humans all dead around him. From the foxie too? Peter stood from his mat bed in a treehouse and made his way to the mall.
On the way to the mall he saw nobody else along the road... Peter has read a few novels in the past and this feels suspiciously like a scene he read... He'd call out but the noise from his mini ford would muffle his voice, so he didn't bother speaking on the way to the mall. It was morning, the gray sky cast an eerie mood across the city. Peter parked his mini ford right at the entrance of the library.
Peter, the fox kit made his way into the Doctor's lab to ask him about his dream... but the odd emptiness surrounding him. He knocked on the doctor's door but there was no answer. Peter inched open the door and called out for the doctor... but all he saw inside was something he never thought he'd see...
The doctor wasn't in, that is for sure... but a feral vixen sat there waiting for him.
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I finally caught up and am rather enjoying these. Keep them coming. [:)