“Today’s the day.” He smiles, standing up and shuffling across the room to his wardrobe. He pulls from it his robes. They were solid blue with a cloth belt; also blue… he put on his pendant meant for keeping away evil over the top of them. It was a simple crystal disk with black ink in a complex design beneath the crystal. The ribbon for holding it around his neck was blue as well.
*pokes Kiba*
Hi! You MUST have known that by posting a story here you've opened it up to me! ]:) Unfortunately (Fortunately?) I don't have TOO much to analyze, but here goes.
This is a basic description of a character, and includes the character's motive. Obviously, this character wants to become a priest, be powerful like that, but also useful to others, blah...blah....
Your character is very likable, a happy-go-lucky individual who strives for success, but also a little bit full of himself. He should have an interesting awakening upon reaching Metamor Keep, I can say that much.
Constructive criticism!
Past/Present tense.Quote“Today’s the day.” He smiles, standing up and shuffling across the room to his wardrobe. He pulls from it his robes. They were solid blue with a cloth belt; also blue… he put on his pendant meant for keeping away evil over the top of them. It was a simple crystal disk with black ink in a complex design beneath the crystal. The ribbon for holding it around his neck was blue as well.
Present Tense is in italics, past is in bold. This just needs a little bit of editing, not too much. It does hurt the flow of the story a bit if you don't fix it, though. It's easy to fix, though, so no worries. ]:)
The opening section is a description; I know this. But, there are ways to make it more interesting. For example, you use a lot of ...village was...He was...members were...name was...etc. This is fine, but a bit bland. You can spice things up by using personal anecdotes from the character.
For example: Sure, you describe your character as "...he wasn’t a fighter." But what about that time when that cat with rabies got into his house so he hid from it and only went out to attack it after it started chasing his younger brother? Or what about the time when the other kid stole from him and instead of attacking him back he just ran away? Little details like this can really bring a character alive inside the reader's mind.
I hope to see what happens to this character. A-ha-ha the curses soon to befall you, 18-year-old Kiba... ]:P
((Post analysis: Are you intending to write in past or present tense?))