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"We crossed the minefield one last time, but we didn't make it. Ladies and gentlemen, this story is a recording."
-Bob Hope, making a joke of the minefields the U-Boat he was in had to go through.

In all seriousness, it's bad form to kill of a character in first-person past/present, because you have to have some way for them to tell the story, afterward. It can be done, and done well, but it's not easy.

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Writer's Guild / Re: "Matthew"

« on: April 13, 2009, 11:00:04 PM »

Okay, as ever, I'll point out the more semantic issues:

In the first couple of paragraphs, You use the phrase "nothing of note" too often. I can see that you're trying to use it to enhance your point when you reverse it and have " a something of note" (which isn't quite correct...something of note needs no article).

Later on , “What’s been rubbing your fur the wrong was this month?” has way too many qualifiers. "What's been rubbing your fur wrong, this month?" would have been much better.

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Writer's Guild / Re: Swarmy

« on: April 06, 2009, 10:58:30 PM »

Author insertion has been done before.

Just be careful not to create a Mary-Sue.

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Writer's Guild / Re: Responsibility

« on: April 06, 2009, 10:57:19 PM »

Since I'm late to the party, I've nothing to comment on, critique-wise, though I rather gather the impression that there's more to this...

Any chance we'll be seeing more of these characters in the future?

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Writer's Guild / Re: "Reyan Saga" (unfinished)

« on: March 07, 2009, 11:04:15 PM »

"At the very least two days had past." is grammatically incorrect...it should be "At the very least two days had passed."

Hmm...

Well, that's all I saw in my brief read-through that was incorrect either grammatically or spelling-wise.

At least, besides the words "Lelran" and "Turgan," which aren't words, in the strictest sense.

Interesting work, though...

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Writer's Guild / Re: "Reyan Saga" (unfinished)

« on: March 01, 2009, 10:27:56 AM »

Did you make that in Paint?

Impressive, regardless. I've never had the patience to put that much time into the detailing...

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Website and Technical Discussion / Re: Welcome!

« on: February 23, 2009, 09:45:32 PM »

Ya' can expect me to check in, occasionally. Not as often as I check my own forum, naturally, but if I find the time, I'll show up.

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Writer's Guild / Re: "Reyan Saga" (unfinished)

« on: December 07, 2008, 05:13:52 PM »

Hmm....interesting piece, this.

The prose is pretty good, though there is one line that bothers me a bit:

"Such an infinite beauty emanated from the tiny orb. A deep cerulean glow emanated from the center of its infinitely dark depths."

I think you might try another word than 'infinite' one time or the other. While "infinitely dark" sounds really dramatic, it ends up being overshadowed by the "infinite beauty," and vice versa.

"An infinite beauty emanated from the tiny orb. A deep cerulean glow emanated from its impossibly black depths." or something like that might be preferable. But hey, it's your story, and the choice is entirely yours.

Other than that (which might well just be me), this story is interesting, and sounds like something I'd be interested in reading (assuming you ever come back to it, which I rather hope you do).

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Website and Technical Discussion / Re: Welcome!

« on: December 07, 2008, 05:03:51 PM »

You wander into my forum, I'll wander into yours.

(As if you didn't just tell everyone yourself...)

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Website and Technical Discussion / Re: Welcome!

« on: December 05, 2008, 05:41:30 PM »

Every ten days, huh? Still more reliable than my update schedule.

"Sporadic" describes mine only too well...

Good work, here. I'll have to remember to check back. I guess that's what the Belfry is for...

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