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Author Topic: The Meadow  (Read 1334 times)
« on: June 29, 2009, 10:09:34 AM »

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D. Ein
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Flash fiction time!!!

I'm actually quite happy with this piece.

--- --- ---

The sun's rays shone through the leafy canopies of the trees surrounding the meadow, producing dancing shadows in the wavering sea of flowers. Pollen and loose petals gracefully sailed in the air, their performance scored by a chorus of singing forest birds. This peaceful sanctuary teemed with life - a ferret scurried into his hole, and a huntress fox pawed the ground there in defeat. Butterflies fluttered in contest with the petals, cheered on by the wind. A playful fawn hopped to the meadow, and trotted right to a partially grassed mound - the grass was especially delicious there. Pieces of burnt and twisted metal stuck out from the curious mound - the grave site of some forgotten machine - and the metal glistened with the morning dew. Once, a long time ago, there was war here.

The birds' voices momentarily drowned in the roaring of a fleet of black helicopters passing overhead. Strange helicopters - thin as dragonflies, with twin lateral rotors, and two yellow eyes pitched in a wicked leer. Gunfire from somewhere to the side of the meadow borne an eruption of green foliage into the air - some shots aimed up at the helicopters, others across the meadow. The fawn fell down with several bullet holes in its side, and the fox ran off into the forest. Heavy metal boots crushed the grass and the flowers, and soon, a platoon of ten or twelve armoured men stood in the meadow, listening to the barking of their commanding officer.

A strange gust of wind blew leaves from the trees, and a cloud of red vapours settled in the meadow. The soldiers frantically fumbled with their helmets, pulling on gas masks and shutting their visors. Those that did not react in time fell to the ground, blood-streaked foam seeping from their helmets, arms flailing in spasms, bodies writhing. More shots sounded as the soldiers killed their own men to spare them from the agonizing yet prolonged death. However, it seemed that the enemy knew of this procedure - they laced the poison with flammable gas.

The sun's rays shone through the crooked skeletons of the trees surrounding what was once a meadow, producing ghastly shadows on the blackened earth. Ash and dust clouded the air in dead silence. This bald mound seemed devoid of any life - the charred muzzle of the ferret stuck out from the ground, caked with hardened froth. Dead bugs littered the ground. The half-burnt carcass of a fawn lay plastered against the metal - a machine ruined but alive with the spirit of war - and the metal glistened with blood. Once, a few minutes ago, there was peace here.
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!!!! , ...

Subject No. III VI +
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2009, 04:58:47 PM »

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Lopez
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You start off with a peaceful scene, that I assume is to inspire feelings of tranquility. You even enter into the perspective of the deer, "...especially delicious there," for a brief spell. Then, when you end the paragraph, you make it seem like there is no more war, and the world has achieved peace. This is a land that has OVERCOME violence.

The next two paragraphs are essentially a battle scene.

But the way you did the last pargraph was extraordinary. By taking the structure of the original peaceful paragraph and simply altering the descriptors, a whole new scene is created with exactly the same nouns.

Sooooo...what are you trying to say here? Well, one could say that you mean to show how the destructive and transformative power of war, that no sense of peace can avert it, but I think you go further than that. Instead, you claim that the world functions on a cycle of war and peace. This is an endless cycle, and nothing can be done to stop it, "Once...there was war(peace) here." The metal will remain, forever calling upon war, even through peacetime.

Annnnnd....we can do nothing to stop it? I know there's something a litter deeper here, but I'm not quite catching it. Sad Red Fox I'll give it some thought.

((The REAL question is: What happened to the fawn's mother?"))
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...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2009, 07:18:55 PM »

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D. Ein
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Originally the mother was also in the piece, but I decided that it would drag on for way too long with it there. The fawn gets the point across just as well, I gather. =)
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!!!! , ...

Subject No. III VI +
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2009, 09:35:07 PM »

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Virmir
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It's so peaceful and wonderful and then OH GODS, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS DEAD!!! IT'S SO HORRIBLE!! WHY, EIN, WHY?!?!

* Virmir curls up into a little ball and weeps uncontrollably.
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Gray Fox Virmir
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2009, 07:11:47 AM »

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MHD
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OH THE HUMANITY.


Brilliant writing btw...
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Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2009, 03:50:47 AM »

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KaiAdin
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Ack! I just read it now... sad but cool story... Arctic Fox Grin

* KaiAdin pats Virmir *there there* *there there*
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« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2009, 09:05:08 AM »

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Dragyn
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It's so peaceful and wonderful and then OH GODS, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS DEAD!!! IT'S SO HORRIBLE!! WHY, EIN, WHY?!?!

I know I'm a horrible person, but this made me laugh hysterically...

Uh, as to the story, I like it...and I don't.

I like the narrative, and I found it actually flowed fairly well from peace to war, but the helicopters are...not?  

Okay, let me try rephrasing that...

The helicopters are overdescribed. (I know that's not a word, don't call me on it.)  There's really no reason for them to have such a lengthy description.  I think it would actually be better to just have them fly overhead, with no description of their abnormality relative to other helicopters, as they're abnormal enough relative to the faun and the fox.

Does that make any sense at all to anyone but me?
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« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2009, 01:58:43 AM »

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LoCk
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Ein you are pretty darn good at describing scenes.

the mildly depressing ending is good too.   i have a thing for that kind of stuff.  hehe keep up the good work!
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is that the sound of a geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? its both! here at black mesa when we say half life we mean it in more ways than one.
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