Author Topic: Little No Name Story ~ DessertFox  (Read 11219 times)

DessertFox

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on: April 14, 2009, 05:27:57 PM
Well, you can ask questions, but I'm not sure I will be able to answer them. This first part is not about the main character. Its to give the reader insight to whats happening in the universe I'm about the create. So read, enjoy (Hopefully), and try and not think too much about it.



“The game is rather simple actually.” The game master surveyed the room of some 32 contestants. “The goal is to win using any means necessary. You do this by influencing and developing your population. There are no rules, other than the laws of the universe that we’ve defined.”  The audience of contestants standing, shuffled their feet. Murmurs started in the back.
   “Ya, but how do we influence the denizens of your world? Is this a strategy game, or a first person world?” A red haired teenager asked with a slight British accent, and the room became quiet. Narrowing his eyes, the announcer put on a smug smile.
   “You have no doubt heard rumors about what we’ve been doing here, but if you just wait I assure you it will all be explained a lot better than if I tried to describe it up, here.” Great, I thought, no details for us yet again. I looked over to the red head, he didn’t seem happy with the answer either, but he put on a smile. The game master asked the audience. “Are there any other questions, before we begin?”
   “How long will this last?” A slightly overweight, still cute, gamer chick asked.
   “The simulations only run about 3 hours, the longest we’ve had in test was 12. This is our first full count of players, so it might go longer; the game pulls you out after every hour so we can see how you’re feeling. Should the game reach the twelfth hour point we will pause the simulation for a period of rest, and start it back up when the players are ready. There will always be food and drinks, and remember… This is a game; we don’t what you turning Chinese.” The audience gave a weak laugh. “Are there any more questions?” There was a mild chorus of confirmation. “Good. Then if you could proceed to the rooms with your assigned station, the technicians will help you with your setup.”
   I looked down to my neatly folded paper of my information, confirming to myself that my station was twenty-four. People had already begun filing into the four different rooms from the main room, mine was to my left. Everyone was already at their machines and talking with their technicians by the time I got to mine at the far end.
   “Hello, my names Jake, I’ll be your operator while you’re on your wild ride.” He flashed a cheery smile at me.
   “Is it that crazy?” I asked trying to judge how serious he was.
   “It sure is, it’s a huge rush. The machine syncs up with your mind, and bam. You’re in!”
   “So you just start playing? What do you mean you’re just in?”
   “Whoa, they really didn’t tell you guys anything did they? Well when it sinks up, you will feel like your dreaming, except instead of being here you will be in the game. It will feel as real as the world around you now. And then you will, just… be there.” I stared at him for a second, they don’t make things like this. If what he was saying is true, than this was a huge scientific breakthrough. “Here let’s get you hooked up.”
   “Have you done this before?” Still a little shocked, there could also be bigger implications then just science, like my health for one.
   “Twice, the last guy I did though got fried like a light bulb.” He grinned at me. “Just kidding, it’s about as safe as crossing the street, with me looking both ways before you take the step. You’ll be fine.” Right, I tried to comfort myself that he was joking about the subject.
   “If you want any tips on the game, you better ask now.” He whispered, while tapping away at his keyboard.
   “Got any tips?” I asked as low as I could.
   “Yah, don’t look into the light.” That’s when a flash of bright light hit me, and I was in the world of make believe.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2009, 05:57:43 PM by DessertFox »



Pontos

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Reply #1 on: April 14, 2009, 06:00:18 PM
Nice intro.
I already can foresee the core of the story (this "Realistic Virtual Reality" or so to say) because it something many of us would like to see come to existence |:).

There are some grammatical errors like the ones i pointed on the chat though.



Virmir

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Reply #2 on: April 15, 2009, 05:50:00 PM
Oh, awesome.  I've always dreamt about hooking up to a machine and entering some sort of VR world.  Obviously it's a bit too short to give any real feedback yet, but it's just enough to get me wanting to read more. [:)

Looking forward to the next part!

*crosses fingers and hopes he turns into a fox*

[;)

[fox] Virmir


Lopez

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Reply #3 on: April 16, 2009, 08:46:33 PM
Quote
*crosses fingers and hopes he turns into a fox*

I couldn't help laughing at this.

What I know: Your main character can't die. The main character cannot die in first-person past perspective. It just...doesn't work. Annnnnd....The introduction is fine. It gives us the main idea (thanks Pontos,) the perspective, and the atmosphere. The atmosphere is light-hearted. I don't think this story will be very dark.

Words of warning: Your tense is tricky, and it will take a while for you to get the hang of it. Whenever you finish a section, read through it to make sure that the tense is constant throughout. For example, "...there could also be bigger implications than just science..." might be "there also could have been bigger implications than just science...".

As a first-person present enthusiast, I would totally advise you to think about writing in this style. By writing in first-person present, you can just write whatever's going through your character's head at the moment, rather than his reflection on the moment. Which is kind of difficult. Then again, both methods are kind of difficult. Hm....choice is up to you.

I look forward to the next section. Though I doubt Virmir's wishes will be completely fulfilled. {:)

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


DessertFox

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Reply #4 on: April 19, 2009, 01:59:53 PM
Lopez, when you say it like that, its like you've giving me a challenge to kill him off. I had so many plans for him...
« Last Edit: April 19, 2009, 03:20:13 PM by DessertFox »



Lopez

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Reply #5 on: April 19, 2009, 02:23:33 PM
I know...it's just that I kill off so many characters that a death in one of my stories is practically unavoidable. Particularly if it's from an individual's point of view. I only do first-person if there's a lot of action, and a lot of action usually means killing off one of the characters. Maybe I should write a...you know...HAPPY STORY for once......When you start writing a lot, you begin to appreciate how hard it is to write a GOOD happy story. Anyone can write a story outlining the flaws of society, but how to fix them is another matter entirely...

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Dragyn

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Reply #6 on: April 20, 2009, 08:58:37 PM

Your main character can't die. The main character cannot die in first-person past perspective. It just...doesn't work.


"We crossed the minefield one last time, but we didn't make it.  Ladies and gentlemen, this story is a recording."
                             -Bob Hope, making a joke of the minefields the U-Boat he was in had to go through.


In all seriousness, it's bad form to kill of a character in first-person past/present, because you have to have some way for them to tell the story, afterward.  It can be done, and done well, but it's not easy.



LoCk

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Reply #7 on: May 17, 2009, 06:06:08 PM
I like your story thus far.  The simulation thing you have going is a great concept. I can't wait to see where you go with the "Simulation" theme of your story.

is that the sound of a geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? its both! here at black mesa when we say half life we mean it in more ways than one.