Author Topic: "Reyan Saga" (unfinished)  (Read 78352 times)

Virmir

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on: December 07, 2008, 02:22:11 PM
Been in a bit of a writing slump lately, and jotted this down in an attempt to pull myself out of it.  Not sure how far I'll go with this, but figured it was better to post somewhere rather than let it rot on my hardrive. [;)

This is essentially the start of a "kitsune" story.  However I wanted to make the race my own and changed around a few things about their powers/abilities, so just gave them a new name altogether.  Enjoy!

----

Reyan Saga
by Virmir

Part 1



"You owe me a wish."

The creature snarled, his hackles standing on end as his four tails stiffened.  "You dare demand a wish of me, human?"  Its fur seemed to glow crimson in anger.

"I have your little jewel," Gavin said in a smug tone as he clutched his fingers over the glowing marble.  It warmed his hand and pulsed with life.  Such an enchanting treasure.  And one that would grant him his inner most-desires.  "Those are the rules, kitsune."  He gave the gem a squeeze for emphasis.

The four-tailed fox cringed, its legs buckling.  Surprised at the power he held over the creature, Gavin softened his grip.  He didn't want to hurt it after all.  He just wanted his wish. 

"I'm no kitsune, human.  I am reyan.  You and your silly myths," it paused to catch its breath.  "Your kind has invented too many fairy tales."

Gavin held the gem more loosely so as not to strangle the creature. "Whatever your kind is called, the tale about the gem is true, am I wrong?  And the wish?"  He held the gem before his face.  Such an infinite beauty emanated from the tiny orb.  A deep cerulean glow emanated from the center of its infinitely dark depths.

The kitsune-- reyan, rather-- scowled and looked away.  Gavin clasped his fingers over the gem once more.  "Speak the truth while I hold your life in my hand."

"Yes."  The reyan sat on his haunches, two tails to either side. Its burning blue eyes bore into Gavin's soul.  "One wish, as long as it is within my power.  Then you will return my lifestone, lest horrible things happen to you.  The tales also speak of those."

Gavin nodded, uncovering the jewel once more.  "One wish is all I desire, noble fox."  He held it before his face and became lost in its beauty once more.  He imagined the glow in its center a swirling mass of stars-- a whole universe of mystique and magic.  Power that he desired.  "I wish to be a reyan, like you."

The reyan's mouth dropped. "No... no..."  It shook it head.

"You cannot or will not?"  Gavin clenched his fist around the stone once more as the creature dropped to the ground.  "Answer truthfully!"

"Anything!"  It gasped for breath.  "Anything else!  I can transform you into a fox, a wolf, a bear... But a reyan... do you know what you ask?!"

"I want to become a powerful sentient creature, not some mindless animal.  I've given you my wish."

"But to do so I must sacrifice one of my own tails.  Surely you will not be so cruel."

Gavin looked into the reyan's pleading eyes. "I'm bargaining a single tail for your life."  He waved the rayan's lifestone around once more.  "I don't think you are getting that bad of a deal."

The reyan sat up and growled.  "You won't change your mind..."

"I will not."

A long silence followed as the four-tailed fox studied him.  "Very well.  Your wish is granted."  It stood, its tails hypnotically waving behind as it began a slow circle around the human.  "If it is your wish to be reyan, you wretched fool, then reyan you shall be."

Gavin's heart throbbed in his chest and he began to sweat as the fox walked around him.  He kept the jewel tightly clenched in his hand lest the creature try anything funny.  But soon his muscles grew weak and his head spun.

Then the pain came.  A sweeping flame engulfed his flesh, and he screamed as the jewel flew from his grasp.  Oh no...  Bright fire overtook him, burning away his clothing and skin, and he fell forward for what seemed for an eternity.  By the time he hit the ground, the agony had dissipated, and the world assaulted him though foreign senses.

Before his muzzle lay not one, but two glowing stones, though one was larger than the other.  Two digitigrade feet stepped into his field of vision and a black furred paw-hand snatched up the bigger of the two.  "There."  His ears pulled upward as he heard the reyan speak.  "It is done."

Gavin sat up, mystified by his fur-covered body.  He shifted his weight to avoid pinching his tail.  "You did it... I-- I'm really a--"  He grabbed his throat.  Was that really his voice?   He sounded like a ten year old child!  He craned his neck upward to look at the now three-tailed, and much larger reyan.  "What did you do to me?!"

The reyan folded his arms, clasping his lifestone in one hand. "Fool.  One-tailed reyan are children.  You seriously thought you would gain power for nothing?  Now pick your life up off the ground.

Gavin looked down at the marble that was his very life force.  As soon as he touched it, he felt a calm soothingness engulf him.  The warm pulse inside the stone matched the beat of his heart, and as he held it in his pawpads, he knew everything would be okay.

Until he felt the wrenching in his stomach.  "Ugh..."  A million questions stood at the tip of his tongue, but he forced them back as nausea overtook him.  "Argh... what's... happening...?"  His heart skipped a beat as he looked down and noticed his hands had become translucent.  He was fading away!

"One-tails don't have enough energy to exist in Midgard, the plane where humans live.  Too bad.  You're moving to the lower plane.  Your new home."  The three-tail punctuated with a knowing and rather predatory grin.

The trees faded into blackness, swirling lights melding around their forms.  A bone-chilling cold made Gavin's fur bristle.  Some other world?  He didn't want to leave!  The terror faded as the trees returned.  But they were somehow... different.  Bigger, fleshier leaves in more jagged shapes.  The forest seemed much more overgrown, and the plants somehow had a more foreboding nature.  Especially in his smaller body.

He turned his head as the three-tail materialized before him, a look of annoyance across his muzzle.  But he banished the expression to look down at Gavin once more.

Gavin struggled to his two feet, nearly tripping over his digitigrade appendages.  Why were they bipedal?  The reyan walked on four legs before.  So many questions...

"Listen well, Gavin," the three-tail cut off his thoughts.  How the reyan knew his name was the least of his many and growing concerns.  "There are simple rules to survival.  Guard your lifestone.  Should you scratch it, you will become a cripple.  Should you part from it too long, you will die.  Should you shatter it, you will die."  Gavin gulped.  The three-tail grinned, obviously enjoying the look of fear upon his face. "And if someone steals it, by the three planes, you better do whatever he tells you to do to get it back." The one-tail nodded. 

"Guard your tail.  Should you loose it, you will simply be a fox.  Simple-minded animals do not last long in this plane..."  Gavin nodded again.  Geez... how many other weaknesses did he have?  This was nothing like what he imagined...

"And last of all, little reyan..." the three-tail bore down at him with a hateful glare.  "My name is Radis.  Remember it.  Never cross my path.  If I ever see you again, I will kill you."  He snorted and turned, then fell to all fours and made for the bushes with his nose held high and tails flowing behind.

"Wait!"  Gavin yelled, stumbling after, "Don't I have any abilities?  Any special powers?"

Radis turned and grinned as he peered from behind his tails. "Of course not, one-tail.  You need to earn your abilities.  Your second tail should sprout in a hundred years or so."

Gavin's jaw dropped.

Radis flicked his tails about.  "What were you expecting?  God-like power?  Humans are such impatient fools.  No wonder you die so young."  With that, he leapt into bushes and disappeared.

The new one-tail fell upon his rear and stared at the foliage.  One hundred years?  He took his tail in his lap and stroked it.  How could he possibly survive that long alone in the wilderness?  He was smaller and weaker than a human even!  Tears welled in his eyes.  No!  He wouldn't cry.  He was an adult!  This wasn't right!  This wasn't what he wanted at all!

He shut his eyes.  Focus, focus...  A wind rustled the leaves and passed through his fur.  It felt wonderful.  His ears flicked about.  If he were human, he'd be dead by age one hundred.  Or soon after.  But now he had been granted an immeasurable lifespan.  There.  That was something.  One glimmer of hope.  Surely there were more.

He opened his eyes and realized he was clutching his lifestone to his chest.  He slowly lifted it before his muzzle.  It seemed about the same size as the other reyan's when he looked at it before.  But his hands and body were smaller now, so that meant the stone was as well.  The inside glowed dimmer as well.  But it would grow... he knew that.

What else?  Radis seemed to be able to walk on either two legs or four.  Glimpses of other reyan he had seen had always proven the creatures to walk on four legs like normal foxes, yet Gavin seemed more a human-fox cross on two legs.  Could he shift as well?

Tenderly he set his lifestone in the soft dirt, then proceeded to fall to his forelimbs.  Much to his surprise, his spine snapped into place and walking as a quadruped seemed just as natural as walking on two limbs.  In fact, even easier.  He imagined he would be able to travel farther this way as he took a few experimental steps. 

Shifting back was a simple matter of rearing on his hind legs.  He stumbled a few steps, not quite used to balancing on his toes and imagined himself looking quite silly with his arms and tail splayed every which way.  Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad?  He had to admit his new body was quite fun.

His heart skipped a beat when he realized he left his lifestone lying in the dirt several feet away.  How careless!  In a near panic he ran back to it, stopping short to ensure he didn't kick dirt upon the delicate stone.  This thing was the only problem, really.  It was such a liability!  He took it in his forepaws and cradled it.  The thick canopy of leaves above rustled in the breeze and he pulled it close to his body, as if he needed to protect it from the cold.

A sweet sent came in with the wind, and his stomach growled.  What exactly the smell was he could not tell, but his new body seemed to recognize it as food.  And still tired and sore from the transformation, he figured it best not to protest.  But would he have to hunt or steal his food?  Or perhaps he could forage?  He knew foxes were omnivorous, but these reyan certainly had a whole new set of rules.

And that lead him to the biggest problem of all.  How was he to travel, let alone hunt-- or do much of anything at all while carrying this blasted stone around?!  He wrapped his fingers around the warm gem as he looked upon its enchanting dull glow once more, careful not to nick it with his claws.  His fingers and thumb had become significantly stubbier with his change, but it was still easy enough to carry in his hand.  Still, he felt it best to travel on all fours.  He could move faster that way, and would remain under the brush-line.  Who knew what other things inhabited the forest along with him...

Carefully he set the gem in his mouth and fell to four feet.  Well, it wasn't too bad...  The touch of the gem remained comforting, even within his mouth.  He wondered if it would be best to actually swallow it.  That way he'd never lose the thing.  But then again, it would be ironic if his lifestone killed him by obstructing his intestines... Or even if he did pass it, he'd have to-- Ugh.  Forget it.

So many questions.  So much wondering.  The wind shifted again and he once again caught the scent.  He would find answers eventually, but for now his hunger got the better of him.  Nose in the air, he shuffled his way into the thick shrubbery.

[fox] Virmir


Dragyn

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Reply #1 on: December 07, 2008, 05:13:52 PM
Hmm....interesting piece, this.

The prose is pretty good, though there is one line that bothers me a bit:

"Such an infinite beauty emanated from the tiny orb.  A deep cerulean glow emanated from the center of its infinitely dark depths."

I think you might try another word than 'infinite' one time or the other.  While "infinitely dark" sounds really dramatic, it ends up being overshadowed by the "infinite beauty," and vice versa. 

"An infinite beauty emanated from the tiny orb.  A deep cerulean glow emanated from its impossibly black depths."  or something like that might be preferable.  But hey, it's your story, and the choice is entirely yours.

Other than that (which might well just be me), this story is interesting, and sounds like something I'd be interested in reading (assuming you ever come back to it, which I rather hope you do).



Virmir

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Reply #2 on: December 07, 2008, 05:22:44 PM
Thanks!

You are right.  It's generally a good idea to vary word choices and avoid using the same word twice within a span of 100 words or so.  Will certainly touch that up. [:)

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Reply #3 on: December 08, 2008, 08:53:14 PM
I love the third-person close.

Quote
The kitsune-- reyan, rather-- scowled and looked away.

Actually, consider cutting the word "kitsune" off earlier, it gives the reader a more personal feel with Gavin, which is something that solidifies going through to the end of the story.

I could READ this story. No, wait, not the right word. Hm.....I could predict that was going to happen to Gavin. But since this is only part one, the predictability is welcome. However, the life-stone idea is really nice, and you did a good job portaying it in the actions of the Reyan at the beginning of the story.

"Infinite" is TOTALLY one of your favorite words. {:).

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


KaiAdin

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Reply #4 on: December 09, 2008, 02:26:42 AM
I'm not much of a proofreader, but I have to say this is an interesting take on the kitsune story.

Can't wait for the next parts.

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Reply #5 on: December 09, 2008, 04:17:56 PM
Nice start! So this is that Kitsune plot you mentioned earlier :D.

At first I thought Radis would act as some kind of guide for Gavin, at least for a short period of time in that realm, but after all it seems that he really hates him...

I suppose he will find some kind of companion or guide. One hundred years is a lot of time to be alone :/ (and also quite dangerous I think...).



Virmir

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Reply #6 on: December 09, 2008, 08:22:53 PM
Thanks, folks!  I do have a lot of scenes dreamed up in my head for what's to come out of this.  Maybe I'll poke at it some more this weekend. [:)

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Reply #7 on: December 28, 2008, 05:30:46 PM
Going to see if I can bang together a new part every few weeks. [:)

----

Part 2

Gavin did a double-take.  But his new nose and eyes weren't lying.  They were berries!

And they glowed!

Before him a gnarled vine twisted around the base of a giant oak.  Bunches of yellow berries clung to the foliage in regular intervals as the stem spiraled up the tree.  And each berry shimmered in the shade, golden points of light dancing around the tiny fruit.  He'd never seen anything like it!

Their sweet aroma caused his mouth to water, and he plucked his lifestone out of his muzzle to catch a better whiff.  Could such a marvelous plant belong to someone out here?  Well, no one was around...  He picked one of the berries and studied the sparkling fruit.  Held between two clawtips, it was half the size of a grape. Or rather seemed that way.  His body was smaller now, so his scale was off.

He had no way of telling if the fruit was safe to eat, but his rumbling belly insisted he try.  Tentatively he chewed up the fleshy sweet gem and grinned as it tickled his taste buds.  It was good! A ferocious hunger stirred within him and he plucked more of the sweet treasures, gulping them one by one.  For once his worries faded, and he reveled in the warmth growing in his stomach.

Having cleared all the berries within reach, he staggered over to the other side of the tree to continue his glorious feast.  The world spun around him with each step, and he giggled as he tripped over some loose vines.  They were so good!  Finding another batch, he tore into them with an insatiable appetite.  Each bite of the sparkling fruit brightened his mood and strengthened the giddy warmth that filled his belly.

Soon the second batch was gone.  Or was it the third or fourth?  He tried to find more, but shapes spun around his head.  He waved the black blur that was his hand in front of his face and laughed.  He thought he saw more of the wondrous yellow specs float past, but as he reached out to grab them he fell backwards into the bushes.  So many colors!  He laughed as weird blobs danced across his field of vision.  His eyes grew heavy as he lay in such a comfortable position, and darkness quickly came.

----

Voices swirled around his mind.  Echoing, screeching things.  He drew a quick breath as consciousness returned to him, his muzzle so painfully dry.  His head hurt and he felt as if he'd drunk too much the night before.  Jagged ridges poked his back as he lay there and a musty dampness assaulted his nostrils.  What happened?

He saw rock above him, as if he rested in some sort of tunnel.  He doubted he could sit up without banging his head.  But he couldn't sit up at all!  Something bound his neck to the ground, and rustling his hands and legs proved them to be bound together as well.  Was he tied up?

His eyes darted around as panic welled in his chest.

"It's awake!  It's awake!" 

He flattened his ears as something screamed shrilly.  He caught a glimpse of movement to his left, but it was gone by the time he turned his head.  He seemed to be in some sort of cave-- a tiny tunnel rather.  Two holes opened in the wall to his left, both twisting into darkness.  Between them stood a single torch, so small it was but a candle flame.  Orange light danced upon the craggy rock walls.  The walls closed in around him on all other sides, as he rested in a sort of nook in the tunnel.

"The reyan is awake ye say?"

The voice echoed from deep within one of the holes, and his ear twisted to pick it up.  This one was less high pitched, sounding more like a miserly old man. "Stay away from it!  I'm coming! I'm coming!"  It still had an inhuman screech to it that made him grit his teeth.

From the closer tunnel burst a yellow figure, hobbling on a tree twig like a cane.  Perhaps eight inches tall, it looked like some sort of ferret or prairie dog, thick tail lashing behind.

And it had his lifestone.

Gavin tensed as he watched the stone under the creature's arm, a deep emptiness welling in his heart.  How could he be so foolish!?

"Oh, ye want this, do ye?"  The ferret-thing wagged his twig at Gavin's nose, precious lifestone tucked against his side. It was nearly too large for the frail creature to carry.  His graying muzzle cracked in a smile.  "Ye owe me a wish."

Gavin's jaw dropped.  "But-- but... I don't know any magic!"  He struggled against his bindings.

"Ye lie!  Ye lie!!"  The old creature threw his cane to the side and grabbed the dimly glowing orb with both hands, long claws wrapping around the delicate glass.  "Don't ye lie to me, reyan!"

At the same time, something grabbed Gavin's heart.  He gasped in pain and collapsed to the floor as every ounce of strength left him.  It hurt so badly!

"Ye owe me a wish!"  The yellow ferret-thing stamped the ground irately.

Through blurred eyes, Gavin saw another creature enter the room, fur more towards a yellow green.  "Father, stop.  I think it speaks the truth."  She picked the discarded twig-cane off the ground.  At least he thought it was a she, as her voice was higher.  "It only has one tail."

The graying ferret loosened his grip and held the gem with one claw.  It was huge in his tiny hands.  "I know that.  But I am its master now."  He grabbed the cane from his daughter and poked Gavin's nose.  "It shouldn't talk back!  Ye hear that!  Ye hear that!" 

Gavin's lips wanted to curl in a snarl, but he forced them back down.  "Y-yes..."  His heart thrashed against his chest.  He just wanted to escape!

"Good, and ye will grant me my wish?"

"Yes..."  A wish?  How was he going to grant a wish?  Tears came to his eyes.

"Good.  Now what were ye doing gorging yerself on mana berries if ye don't know magic?  Eh? Eh?"  The twig tapped Gavin's nose again.

Mana berries...?  Those glowing things!  Just the thought of them made his stomach grumble for more.  Those, sweet, delicate... No!  They were like some drug!  "I don't know!"

A few high-pitched chuckles sounded across the echoey room.  More of the creatures watched from the safety of the tunnel mouths.  "He doesn't know... he he he..."

"Even the stupidest know to stay away from mana berries, fatso."  The eldest poked him in his belly. "But 'tis alright.  If ye don't want to show yer magic, that's fine.  So long as the wish is done."  The ferret twirled with dignified grace, and pushed his twig-cane through the growing crowd of yellow to yellow-green furred little beasts.

Blinking at the odd comment, Gavin moved his tightly bound arms to the side to look at his white-furred belly.  He had always been a skinny fellow, and that trait had followed him when he became a reyan.  But his stomach did seem to stick out more than it did before...  In fact, he could still feel the warm, sweet delicacies deep within-- Argh!!

"Do you think it will be alright if it can't use magic?"  A scratchy voice asked.

"The lelran will use magic against it!"  Another one sounded.

"Pah!  Just look at it!"  The elder turned and pointed at Gavin's muzzle once more.  "Those massive teeth!  Those wicked claws!  It's a monster!  Revenge is ours..."  With that, he disappeared into the left tunnel, the entourage of ferret-things following.  "Leave it be!  Don't talk to it.  Don't touch it.  Don't go near it..."  His voice echoed and died down the corridor.

Gavin watched their bright yellow tails disappear into the darkness.  Revenge?  Just what would they have him do?  Gavin trembled.  Did they want him to fight?  To kill someone?  He was afraid to ask, lest the creature squeeze his lifestone again.

His lifestone... he felt it pulled away, his body growing colder and colder as the distance grew.  What if the elder ferret-thing dropped or scratched it?  What if he took it too far away?  What if Gavin couldn't grant the wish?  Misery engulfed the young reyan as he lay in the dank tunnel room, bound and hopeless.

[fox] Virmir


Pontos

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Reply #8 on: December 31, 2008, 11:56:41 AM
Interesting continuation.
I get that clueless Reyans (or more like careless Reyans :P) are not a common sight , which may be an indication that Gavin's wish to Radis makes a precedent, right?
Seeing that those ferret fellows didn't believe he wasn't aware of the nature of those Mana Berries (Btw, I like that :P) makes me think that.



Virmir

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Reply #9 on: December 31, 2008, 05:23:53 PM
Thanks, Pontos!

I'm not sure what you mean by precedent. If you mean that Radis knew Gavin was going to have a miserable time, then yes, he certainly did. [;)

[fox] Virmir


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Reply #10 on: December 31, 2008, 07:18:33 PM
Thanks, Pontos!

I'm not sure what you mean by precedent. If you mean that Radis knew Gavin was going to have a miserable time, then yes, he certainly did. [;)

Uh, stupid language barrier >_<
I meant to say that Gavin's wish may have been the first of its kind. My post should make a bit more sense now i hope :P



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Reply #11 on: December 31, 2008, 10:00:52 PM
Ha ha, yes it does!  I don't know about first, but you are right in that I was trying to make the impression that it's strange for inhabitants of that world not to know about simple things like mana berries. [;)

[fox] Virmir


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Reply #12 on: January 09, 2009, 10:23:15 AM
Your story is wonderful. I hope we get to know what the lelran are.

Also the story kinda inspired an art("Predatory Grin"). So I wanted to see how evil i could make a fox look, compared to my normal foxes.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2009, 10:57:35 AM by DessertFox »



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Reply #13 on: January 09, 2009, 03:32:06 PM
Also pixalated the gem. A lot more frustration then its worth really. Although for Gavin I think were going to see, its worth a lot of frustration.

I hope you don't mind, Virmir, that I'm posting pictures in your story.

First Attempt                     Second Attempt              Added Glowyness             Crimson gem
« Last Edit: January 14, 2009, 06:38:30 PM by DessertFox »



Virmir

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Reply #14 on: January 09, 2009, 09:06:40 PM
Wow!  That's really cool stuff!  Do you have an art gallery somewhere?  I'd love to see more of your stuff. [:)

I think the "Added Glowyness" gem is closest to how I picture Gavin's lifestone in my mind, he he he.  And yes, we will get to meet the lelran eventually.

The next part will probably be a little slow in coming because my writing energies will be mostly focused on the comic script for the next two weekends.  But I do the next part largely worked out in my mind, so stay tuned. [:)

[fox] Virmir