Author Topic: The Account of Professor Cunnings and the Gray God (OL)  (Read 15246 times)

Donnie

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The Account of Professor Cunnings and the Gray God
   A man in his mid thirties entered the dim room and lit a large candle in his hand, illuminating the windowless study. He removed his spectacles and rubbed his dark eyes with his clean unwrinkled hand. It was late but this was something he had to do; he sat at the red oak desk and opened a brand new, professionally leather bound journal and dipped his feather quill into its ink well. He pulled out additional candles from the desk's drawers as he predicted that this would be a long winded writing session.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   This is the account of Professor of Culture and Archeology Holden Cunnings regarding the events that transpired within the Library of the Gray God and a recitation of my findings within it. In all consideration this recollection shall be taken as either theory or unproven fact as my word alone cannot suffice. However my reputation and standings within the academic community as well as my well received published works shall be the proof of my truth and fact. Even the Universalist Church acknowledges my publications as well as endorse my purely academic research regarding the Gray God and the faith it surrounds. This is a purely personal perspective regarding the events, however, as I only saw what I saw, nothing more. As such some events may be interpreted as pure illusion or a misunderstanding.
   Roughly four months ago I discovered several location references within the Tomes of Alignment and the accompanying Book of Light and Dark. Each volume presented a hidden reference to a location that, when combined, provided the location to a temple. Such a task was child's play and it dawned on me that if this is indeed a new discovery then my contemporaries are beyond hope within this field. Such a find within the compendium was a marvelous discovery to me as to date I have only discovered three Gray God temples as opposed to over five dozen temples dedicated to the White God and fifteen to the Dark God. I brought my findings to my guild's board members and they accepted my plea for exploration. Unfortunately they declined to offer funding for the project. At the time I was confident in alternate connections within the kingdom and the church, which offered me a small funding grant to perform my research. As usual they cautioned me that such research was purely academical for the sake of all knowledge and learning. Honestly... I wish they have given me more than a small sack of gold coins.
   The location revealed to me was north beyond our borders. To the north was the Overgrown Lands island chain and to the northwest was the Edo Continent. As anyone with a proper education knows, these lands are dominated by the ‘Beasts’. They are rather hard to generalize given their diverse appearance but I suppose they can be described as 'humanoid animals' to a degree. The Overgrown Lands in particular were flooded with diverse species and communities. It'd be a compliment to call it a melting pot.  It was more like a hodgepodge collection of equally bitter creatures united only in mutual need for trade and sustenance. According to our books and history, Edo to the Northwest is far more cultured and dominated by a single type of Beast we call Vulpins.
   It has been decades since any man has left beyond our cliffs and traveled north but I have little choice in the matter. Relying on my cultural knowledge of the Overgrown Lands, I set out to find willing volunteers, hoping to lure them with the gold I carry. The journey to these lands and the ensuing subterfuge is hardly of any worth to explain in detail— all I will say is that I obtained two volunteers. They were both Beasts... and they confounded me to no end. Hanse Akayuki and Kiba Bloodfang, traveling partners and friends.
   When Hanse Akayuki entered my shack, I immediately understood his name... or rather his representation of it. He was a Vulpin as evidenced by his thin profile, pointed ears and muzzle, and bushy tail. He wore a bright white silk outfit with bright red on its borders and seams. He was a strange Vulpin with regards to his coloration, bearing a bright silver pelt with dark gray tipping his appendages and ears. His ruby red eyes seemed to top the surprises this one brings to the table. However his height intrigued me, normally vulpins hardly reach waist height yet here stands before me one who easily ascends to my chest. I was rather taken back by his size.
   “Hel... hey now... I wasn't expecting this...” Was the first thing he said to me. “Humans never come up here.”
   He was shocked indeed though he took my appearance here rather well. He returned a smile... a very mischievous one. This one is going to be tricky to handle, I thought.
   Kiba Bloodfang, possibly a native of these island chains though the first name had me on edge. Kiba was much shorter than Hanse, standing as high as my knees. He also appeared very differently, contrasting Hanse's bright silver with a dark gray pelt and a dark 'mask' over his face. I smiled slightly when this one's tail reminded me of my pet back at home, similarly ringed. He also wore a great deal of blue.
   Introductions over with, I paid them in advance with all the gold coins I had and we set out for the Gray God's temple. The whole trip had been a trial for me to get used to the presence of Hanse and Kiba. Hanse was a highly animated beast, every step he makes on his digitigrade legs was different from the last and each stride moves differently from the last. Even when standing still he shifted his weight side to side or tapped his clawed toes on the wooden floor of the vessel. Kiba often followed in Hanse's antics as if he was imitating him.
   I leaned on the wooden beam of the ship's mast and began writing observations of my time since arriving in these lands. So much has changed... it all came as a shock to me. The books had spoken of an untamed land and rampant violence among the races here but the townships I hired these two in was highly developed and civilized with an active trade economy established. I shook my head at the thought that back at home the new generation of children were being taught with horribly outdated materials. As an academic I couldn't help but to feel like screaming...
   “Hey Professor...” Hanse said as he leaned on the mast.
   “Salutations.” I said abruptly. Hanse seemed to have taken my greeting as an insult of some kind as he scowled at me.
   “...do you have a problem with me of some sort?”
   “Perhaps. I take your apprehension with me in a similar vein.”
   “I can live with it.”
   “Only because I gave you my gold.” I said as I stood away from the mast and closed my journal. I wasn't looking at Hanse but I suspect his ears would have folded back in frustration with me.
   “As if you'd understand...”
   “Oh I understand well enough, Beast,” I said, raising my journal to eye-level and adjusting my glasses. “Consider your position in this world. Akayuki is an Edo name meaning Red Snow and your apparent attachment to it shown quite clearly by your selection of wardrobe. You hail from Edo correct?”
   “Your point?” Hanse replied, indeed his ears were folded back when I looked back at him.
   “But you don't hail from there... do you? No, not even close. Hanse is a derivative of Hans which stems from the eastern cultures. Why would an Edo native wear such a name from such a far away land?” Hanse narrowed his eyes, those vertical slit pupils piercing my own, “I know exactly why Hanse, you are not of Edo. Your fur colorings also give you away far too easily. You are a Silray, an amalgam of Silver, Red, and Gray vulpins only obtainable through a complex breeding process. One that is not possible in Edo. No, you are adopted and raised in Edo.”
   Hanse sighed deeply and closed his eyes, leaning softly against the mast. Dead strike, I knew it!
   “Edo culture has a trial of adulthood involving the acquisition of honor for the family. For you to go so far from home... you must be desperate to bring honor to your foster family.” I grinned deeply, savoring my victory over the beast. “The gold means nothing to you aside from food and shelter; you seek something not so well defined. The quest for honor goes badly I assume?”
   Hanse shook his head and left the mast to myself. Before he entered the cabin he turned towards me. “Professor you may be, but you hardly understand how the world outside your books really works. Unlike them, us 'people' aren't so easy to define.”
   I chuckled at his comment and brushed it aside. However, I felt a bead of sweat drizzle down onto my cheek. Was I that nervous? Nervous of what? I brushed that thought aside as well. We were almost there anyway. I could already see the landmass appearing at the horizon. My fingers rubbed one another intensively; the wait wouldn't last much longer. Something ached in my heart, though I cannot put my finger on it.
   The landing and treks through the forest were rather uneventful and hardly worth explaining save for Hanse's apparent quick recovery and return to his usual antics. He led the way with a machete to cut through the bush. I scoffed at him quietly on why he wouldn't use his Edo katana which would be far sharper to cut with than that rusted machete. In fact he carried more than the curved katana and its sidearm; he carried on his back an interesting weapon. It was highly curved, far more so than the katana and had a large blue blade. It had a strange ring hole near the hand guard; I assume one puts his finger in to keep a hold of it. Kiba traveled to my side, holding a staff of some sort. A mage's staff? Perhaps, though beast mages are exceedingly rare whereas I can count in the thousands of human magic users. Still... I just had to ask something that has been bothering me...
   “Why 'Fang'?” I asked Kiba abruptly. He looked at me with a bit of confusion.
   “Huh? What do you mean?”
   “Your name. It means 'Fang' in the Edo language. Why is that your name?”
   “Oh! Well...”
   “I named him that!” Hanse shouted over the sounds of cutting brush up ahead. I looked back at Kiba.
   “Why?” Hanse suddenly stopped cutting and stuck the machete into the dirt. He proceeded to grab Kiba by the scruff of his neck and holds him out to me. He used his other hand and opened Kiba's jaw wide open.
   “H...hey what the... awwrr!”
   “His teeth are sharp!” Hanse said jokingly though I wasn't that impressed. After all... omnivore teeth aren't that sharp. Hanse put Kiba down and resumed cutting until his machete suddenly snapped.
   It was a long pause as Hanse seemed to scan the broken machete as if he was scolding it or hoping it'd return to normal. Hanse promptly shrugged and tossed the machete over his shoulder and barely missed me. Clumsy fool...
   “I will remember you well, Samson. Now then...” he scanned the surroundings for a few seconds, “Nope, can't go farther.”
   My patience was dwindling by the second. I told myself that this is just his antics... he'll use his swords, I know it. Oddly enough it took a comment from Kiba to get that through.
   “Hanse...” He said slowly, “Just use your swords. Isn't that a waste?”
   “Use brings wear, tear, and rust. Now that's a true waste.” He said, holding a finger up. I laid my palm on my face; he just can't be helped at all. He chuckled a bit and drew the long blue blade from its scabbard. “Oh all right, let’s move on then.”
   From that point on we moved along far faster than before but the irony struck me that moment... wear, tear, and rust... like that machete. The sudden realization made me burst out laughing for a moment. If I wasn't so distracted I am betting Hanse was smiling right then. Clever fool...
   We cut through the overgrowth and into a small cavern. The natural walls of the cave were foiled by the artificial path that barrels its way through the caves. Hanse and Kiba appeared rather astonished and confused, not at the nature of the cavern but the path. I smiled as I knew what it was and they didn't know. I would lecture them about it, something I knew and they didn't. It always filled me with pride to divulge my knowledge to those of lesser folk. Kiba raised his staff and illuminated the cave with a soft white light. That settled it— he was a magic user.
   We pressed onwards without making a sound though the silence was broken by Kiba.
   “Professor Cunnings, you never really told us about this place.”
   “Indeed. I haven't and for good reason.”
   “And why is that?” Kiba seemed to grow impatient with my frequent aversions, much like Hanse.
   “I shall repeat myself, one: I don't know what the place looks like, our eyes will tell us when we get there. Two: Again, your eyes will do better to understand the history of the place.”
   Such impatient beings and they never listen.
   “Can't you explain it just a little bit?”
   “The atmosphere at the moment is inappropriate.”
   A long groan from Kiba and we moved along for roughly an hour, engaging in minor conversations and trivial discussions. We rounded a corner and saw the exit of these caverns, a bright light far down the tunnels leading from the exit. My heart raced as we neared my final destination... just a single flight of stairs and we will be in the temple. We emerged from the cavern path....
   I stood there gazing at the temple... or library more like it. It was a massive cylindrical structure leading upwards with a large spiral staircase to ascend it. The staircase stopped at every level within the library where lines upon lines of bookshelves, broken and intact at once, line the spiraling path. A faint blue light filtered through various holes and windows, each casting a dense light beam as it crossed the dust filled void. The place was in poor shape however, in fact some parts of the spiral staircase is damaged beyond repair and books lay strewn everywhere. Such a massive mess indeed... but this all tells a story...
   “A library... a library!” Hanse yelled, “You know I kind of expected something of a trap laden tomb. But a library?”
   I chuckled a bit; the meaning of this place came to me promptly. I wondered if I should explain it to them now.
   “Hanse?” I called, “We're going up, clear the way for us.”
   “Alright! I am going to fly.” Hanse cracked his knuckles and stretched a few times. He dashed towards the first flight of stairs and quickly ascended them. He approached the first gap in the floor and leap right over it, grabbing an exposed rod from the wall and swinging clear over the gap. One obstacle over another he bypassed each one with incredible agility and ease. I was astonished at his progression, thirty seconds and he's already on the third level and yet he kept running.
   “Wha? Wait! Hanse! Stop!” Kiba yelled as loud as he could. Right at that moment Hanse obliged... exceedingly obliged. He halted his legs immediately and fell onto the floor with a loud thump.
   “Oww! Hey what's the matter!?” He shouted as he crawled to the edge to see us.
   “Hanse! You need to clear our path, remember?” Kiba pointed to the many treacherous gaps and holes along the path. I nodded in agreement.
   Hanse narrowed his eyes and looked about the path he just cleared as if his display was all for nothing. He slid over the edge and dropped down level by level and returned to us. I handed him my satchel, it had everything I brought with me for exploration. Including the all important rope and lots of it.
   “Take your time,” I told him, “We're in no rush.”
   He nodded in agreement though he proceeded to scale the library almost as fast as he did before but cleared our path. He knotted the robe on a dead lantern against the wall and led it across, tying it to the other lantern before cutting the rope and moving on. We arrived at that robe and understood the solution to getting across. We'd leverage our feet against the wall while holding the rope tightly and slowly shimmy across the gap.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2009, 02:20:56 PM by Donnie »



Donnie

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Reply #1 on: October 28, 2009, 02:17:10 PM
I was glad I obtained Hanse, couldn't have been a more perfect candidate for this line of work. Kiba as well, he kept my path secure as I moved along and kept to my back. Up ahead Hanse stopped and shouted to us.
   “Don't mind if I ask but why aren't we actually 'studying' this place?”
   “Think of this as a painting. You cannot make good artwork by just drawing the details, you must set everything in place first and then proceed to refine. Explore first, study later.” True enough I was more than eager to study the library in detail but I must stick to routine.
   “Professor, I think it is about time you started talking.” Kiba said to me, “You've been dodging this the whole time. Well we're here, in this library of some kind so what is it? Who is it dedicated to?”
   Indeed I forgot to tell these two in my excitement... I composed myself and cleared my throat.
   “Can Hanse hear me?” I asked, noting that Hanse is already five floors above us.
   “His ears are shaper than his head, that's for sure.”
   “I'll take that as a yes then.” I took a deep breath and began...
   “A long time ago, on the order of at least five centuries, there once existed a prominent faith which I call “Alignmentism”. It is a rather typical faith with a typical belief system you wouldn't be hard pressed to find in many others. There is the Light God, the embodiment of order and good will so they say. Then the Dark God, the precise opposite of the Light. Typical, no?”
   “I... sure...” Kiba said, “If it is so typical then what is the point?”
   “Quite simple actually... unlike many other faiths this one has a 'third' god. The Gray God. It is this deity in particular that drives me so hard to learn about this faith. This one... is special.” Kiba angled his ears towards me. So he's listening, good. “Have you heard of the Ravager Plague?”
   “No I haven't.”
   “It's alright; these are events that only happened within my continent. See, the faith believes that the gods of light and dark are in constant conflict over us. They would influence the world to do their bidding and spark events to lean the world in their favor. The Ravager Plague was a miserable sickness that is attributed to the Dark God to spread disorder and chaos. The Light God in turn responded with its own plague of sorts made to counter the Ravager. But rather than attack it directly... it sought to infect more people than Ravager.”
   “Wait what? The Light God infected people?”
   “Indeed,” I nodded, grappling the rope and making my way across the diameter of the library to the other side. I kept talking even as I dangled hundreds of feet above the ground level.
   “Instead of succumbing to sickness, the people were driven by a sort of madness to murder those infected with Ravager. But something happened to stop all this...”
   “The Gray God?”
   “Yes and this is where things get interesting. Before I go into that, think... where do the gods of light and dark are said to reside? One lies far above beyond the celestial skies and the other deep below our feet as they claim. If that is the case... where does Gray reside?” Kiba froze as I said that, looking about the library.
   “...Here... I mean the world.”
   “Exactly.” I nod to him, “Gray didn't deliver a messenger or prophets, no text and no followers. He came in the flesh and destroyed the Ravager plague as well as the Light God's counter to it. But he destroyed it utterly, including the infected. This is the Gray God's position in our world, the embodiment of all that is physical and tangible as well as a being of pure neutrality. Hence why he is often associated with libraries. The one place where a being goes to understand the tangible. There is no abstraction with Gray; it is all specific and tangible.”
   We cleared the rope and resumed climbing some stairs. I looked up to find Hanse and saw him walking a slower pace. He's probably tired.
   “So you are trying to find the Gray God? Is that it?” Kiba asked.
   “That is partly correct Kiba. It is difficult to deny his possible existence and those who witnessed the Ravager all recorded the events. We found the location of that village and the references to a 'Gray hooded figure, shorter than a man but a presence infinitely taller.' The details are everywhere and in such depth.”
   “But one event can't be enough proof. I mean, what if they planned such a thing?”
   “Yes indeed, many of my contemporaries made that same argument but we found something that hushed even those criticisms. The Battle of Thorn Valley, the Dark God had influenced the marching of an army against a rival kingdom, the Light God countered in respect. Two armies, each one influenced in some way by the two warring beings.” I held my hand out to Kiba to complete my description.
   “And the Gray God came and stopped them.”
   “Or at least most of them. Again we found the battlefield and what remains of it. We've found armor torn apart in ways that are utterly impossible to reproduce. Once more we found references pointing to a gray hooded figure. Let us break here.” I sat on a stone block, gathering my strength and writing my findings thus far.
   “Still my search has been difficult. Though he brings balance to the world he is highly disliked by all peoples. Think of it as this way... There are only two people in the world: The good and evil. I understand it is very black and white but consider this... do you want to feed everyone in the world but deprive them of it at the same time? Do you want to save your friend but damn him at once? No, you don't. People are black or white, never gray. The people wish for salvation and prosperity while the damned seek retribution and punishment. The Gray God does both. Prevents salvation and stops annihilation. Both black and white hate him for this, for preventing their goals from being met. And so you see the world before us... a world of gray filled with black and white people. This is why temples or structures dedicated to the Gray God are so rare.”
   Five levels above us Hanse had come to a stop to rest as well. He was listening to my explanation of the Gray God. I couldn't see what he was doing up there, mumbling, talking, something. Sadly I will never know of what he was doing that far up. I saw him shrug and walk further towards the walls and the floor of his level blocked my view of him. He wouldn't be out of sight for long though... A few moments after he left my view I suddenly heard a loud scream from Hanse. Kiba and I quickly stood to our feet in response.
   “Hanse? Hanse! Are you okay!?”
   “Sir Hanse! What is the matter up there!?”
   The Vulpin quickly ran to the edge of his level, holding several large books in his hands and arm.
   “Kiba! Professor! These books! Just what is going on here?”
   “Hanse? What about these books?” I ask, turning to face the bookshelves and the many large tomes on the floor.”
   “They are all junk!” he yelled “This book here! It is blank!” He tossed it down the structure, “This one is nothing but random type!” He dropped the book and kicked it away, “And this one is scribbles front to back!!!” He threw the book high into the air, slamming it against a wall and falling down to ground level with a loud, thunderous thump. I was suddenly mortified; I grabbed the nearest volume and looked over it. All true... the books were filled with junk and scribbles. I tried to read over one but it offered no meaning whatsoever.
   “What kind of place is this!?” Hanse yelled one last time.
   “I... I don't know. In all the places I have been to the libraries were deprived of all texts. Is this all that they contained?”
   “What if these books are just filler of some kind? Like statues or decorations? Just there for the sake of being there?” Kiba asked.
   “It is possible but this is very unlike the Gray God... to fill a library with nothing but junk...” We proceeded onward towards the top and hoped that whatever is up there can lead to answers. Oddly enough the path up was far more clean and in better condition than down below, we arrived at the top very shortly.
   Above us was a massive dome with a large hole in the middle that contained some kind of strange mechanism. There were no books up here, but there was a statue.
   “A statue?” Kiba remarked, “I thought the Gray God never used statues.”
   “Or whoever built this place made that.” Hanse replied.
   I, on the other hand, was far more worried... The statue wasn't very large or decorative but it was still a statue of Gray. A cloaked figure roughly the height of my waist which carried in one arm a massive blade and the other arm held an odd bladed ring of sorts as big as the statue itself. I walked around it and saw it possessed a Vulpin tail.
   “The Gray God is a Vulpine?” I questioned. Hanse came around to me to see for himself.
   “Well what do you know? We're a special folk eh? Ha ha I'm taller than this guy!” Hanse poked the statue's hidden face under the cloak. He circled the statue, observing its details. “Kind of a gloomy sort of God isn't it? Gray gray gray everywhere.”
   Again, something about this place worried me. This upper level was far too clean and in good condition as if something or someone had kept it clean. That and I stood before the only existing statue ever of the Gray God. Under my feet I felt a soft vibration... It just kept getting stronger and stronger. Hanse and Kiba both felt it as well and backed towards the walls.
   “Oh no...” Kiba uttered and shrunk into a corner of the dome wall. I was silent as the floor around the statue retracted outwards, it was then I saw that a large cylinder was rising up through the middle of the library. I was on the opposite side of the domed room from the others so I tried to run around the gap and towards them. Safety in numbers one would say. The cylinder came to a stop at the level we are on and began to twist, the sounds of interlocking mechanisms clicking, squealing, striking... the dome suddenly lifted upwards and sunlight spilled into the chamber, illuminating the dark room into a bright orange glow. The statue elevated higher above us on the cylinder and the blinding glow seemed to be focused towards it, consuming the light and heat. I covered my eyes to protect myself from the light and everything suddenly went silent. No not completely silent, Hanse and Kiba were mumbling. No, trembling? I opened my eyes and see the two on their walls. Kiba was hiding behind Hanse's legs and he himself was wide eyed at something above him. I looked up to what he was looking at and saw it... the dome had opened and twilight filled the sky above us, and right there was the Gray God looking down upon us.
   The Vulpin had its hood down and I saw its face clearly. Completely gray aside from the gold eyes. I had little to fear as this was a god of balance and neutrality and yet I stood there trembling. A small creature but a presence far taller... But he wasn't looking at me; he was looking at Hanse and Kiba. But what for I wonder...
   Hanse pulled Kiba from behind him and shoved him towards the stairs leading down.
   “Kiba, take Cunnings and get out of here.”
   “What!? No Hanse!”
   “Kiba, do as I say....” He said, slowly nudging Kiba away while keeping his eyes on the Gray God. The cylinder beneath the deity drew itself down into the library and he hovered there. What was he waiting for? I asked myself. I steeled myself and ran towards the stairs.
   Hanse shoved Kiba down the stairs after me and I took hold of the small companion.
   “No! Let me go! I can't leave him! Hanse!” Kiba frantically tried to free himself from my grasp but I wouldn't let go. Perhaps I would have but I didn't, I was too focused on escaping. I jumped onto the descending cylinder and it rapidly brought us to the lower levels. Above I could hear what sounded like a battle of some kind. But what for? Why were they fighting? The cylinder stopped short roughly five floors and a walkway extended to us. This was the main entrance as opposed to the underground passage. I saw the opportunity and ran for it but Kiba's scratching became unbearable and I dropped him. We heard a loud scream from above followed by the sounds of cracking rock and stone.
   “I am not leaving him!” He yelled out to me.
   I stood there a moment, trying to think of how to convince him to follow but I couldn't say anything. What was I supposed to say? Abandon your companion? Kiba just ran back up the stairs we came up from. I ran from the library and came upon the boats later on and sailed away from the island.
   And so ends my recollection. The events that have unfolded four months ago are as I have described it. I returned home after several days at sea and secluded myself into my house. It dawned upon me of my cowardice and willingness to give up a life for my own. Such a coward, but what was I to do? I am no warrior, I am a researcher. In any case I returned with mineral samples from the library as well as copies of runes within the library. As I write this, master stone masons and linguists are analyzing my samples for legitimacy. The events I have spoken of are truth and of no fabrication. Believe it as you may or not, I saw what I saw.
   Since the events that have unfolded I have yet to encounter Hanse and Kiba, thus I fear the worst. They may have survived; the Gray God had no reason to spill blood. Perhaps he saw something in us that needed to be dealt, I am unsure. However my time outside our borders has convinced me of one thing... we must cease our closed borders policy. The lands up north have changed drastically from what remains in our books. We, as academics, cannot afford to allow the next generation to live in such ignorance as we have. May we construct a better world for our sons and daughters.
-Professor Holden Cunnings



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhere at sea...
   “Gaaauuw! Blast it hurts!!” Hanse screamed loudly as Kiba tries to wrap the Vulpin's arms in a splint. “Four months I tell ya! Four! And it still stings! Owwaww!” His ruby eyes tear up from the intense pain.
   “Hanse! Calm down! It hurts me too!” Kiba said, having a broken arm as well. “You were a lot worse back then; at least you aren't lying in a pool of your own blood!”
   Hanse whimpered pitifully from the memories “Damn that god... damn him! Augh!”
   “I still don't get what he said to us then...”
   “‘Balance has been restored' my butt! Ow ow oww.... what balance? Where?”
   “I wish I knew Hanse... ack... it hurts...” Kiba said.
   “Also that... darned... blasted human. I wish you never convinced me to work for him!”
   “I'm sorry Hanse...” Kiba said, crying a bit, “I'll be more discriminating next time...”
   “He's probably... augh... stuffing his head into books or something, likely forgot us already. Bloody bastard...”
   Hanse flopped onto his back and looks into the sky, “Still... I did manage to put up a good fight hehe... oww...”
   “Yeah... you did well Hanse... you did well.”
   “I wonder if mom and dad will be proud of me for this.” Hanse said, taking a nap soon after.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2009, 02:21:18 PM by Donnie »



Lopez

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Reply #2 on: October 28, 2009, 08:04:58 PM
Hooray! I've been waiting for you to show me some of your work, since I hear you talking about it so much. ]:) A nice opening to your world, I must say.

This story is written in the first person, essentially. The professor is writing an account of the events that have happened to him. He states that this is to implore other people to better understand this "Anthropomophic side of the world" that they have been separated from for so long. I don't think that's what he believes though. He seems to be writing this more for himself than for anyone else. If he was writing it for other people, he would probably go far more in detail analyzing the two characters he meets.

So, he's a good guy. I like him. He's very likable.

Blah blah...message about tolerance to promote understanding...blah blah...

THEN you throw a COMPLETE curve ball on me and cause me to think about how I SHOULD be completing my theology reading instead of writing a review to this.

...I'd love to talk about philosophy with you some time. "...the embodiment of all that is physical and tangible as well as a being of pure neutrality." You seem to have a very materialistic standpoint, which I like. Yet somehow I'm religious too?.....as I said, would love to talk with you about this.

Okay, back to the story. The Gray God (Not the good or bad but the RIGHT one) happens to be Vulpine? What? Ummmmm...maybe I'll get back to that? A Vulpine is the embodiment of all that is physical and tangible as well as a being of pure neutrality? Ummmm....yeah I'll get back to that later.

“Kiba, take Cunnings and get out of here.”
   “What!? No Hanse!”
   “Kiba, do as I say....”

I know you mean well, but this series of lines has been used EVERYWHERE. It's like using the "tail/tale" pun or explaining a location with "It was as dark as a cave." This does not need to be dramatized, so don't feel as if it MUST be dramatic (it can still be a turning point in the story without being dramatic such as this.)

...reading over it again. It's kind of unnecessary. The point is that Kiba is totally loyal to Hanse, and that point was stated earlier much better with "Kiba was hiding behind Hanse's legs and he himself was wide eyed at something above him." The professor runs away. That's really all that needs to be said there. /my opinion.

Back to meaning. The Gray God is a Vulpine.

...sorry, still blowing my mind. Moving on.

While we're at it, the ending is a bit confusing "balance has been restored" is a major point. That's nice, but I have no clue what it means. Maybe Hanse is less cocky now? That's the best I got.

Lastly: “I wonder if mom and dad will be proud of me for this.”

Be careful. You know a lot more about this character than we do. This has little meaning for us, and in that way makes for a bit of a weak ending line. It would be much stronger ending on the "balance" line.

...and, I assume that Hanse killed the Gray God? Or do I assume incorrectly?

The Gray God is a Vu....I'll just stop now. ]:O

Post-Lastly: A minor note, but an important one. Use internet formatting! At first I only did this because everyone told me to, but now that I've read your story, I'm very convinced. Internet Formatting: Never use the Tab Key, and separate paragraphs with a line break (See D.Ein's or Virmir's or My stories for examples of this.)

It's so nice to finally see your writing here in this format! I hope you post more of your stories! (And I hope you keep them short and sweet, too. I'm not too big on sprawling epics, I must prefer vignettes like these.)

...but that's just my opinion, so don't let it bother you too much!


Donnie

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Reply #3 on: October 29, 2009, 12:43:38 PM
About the vulpine thing, I forgot to mention that. Gray is a shapeshifter. Takes the appearance of whatever it thinks necessary. Too late now though since I already printed it and all... students have it now.



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Reply #4 on: October 29, 2009, 06:02:29 PM
I really enjoyed reading this ^^

Not gonna make a review on it, though :P I don't see anything wrong with it. Other, more experienced writers might, but I like everything about it.

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Reply #5 on: October 29, 2009, 08:56:51 PM
Already emailed you stylistic feedback (and just skimming the first half, looks like you used my suggestions. Yay!), so will comment on the story itself.

Firstly, rather glad to read more about the OL universe!  I think the only real problem with this is that it's part of a larger series and there's no real conflict resolved-- we just get a glimpse of your world, some events happen, and there's no real resolution.  That's okay for the most part though-- It just makes this more of a world-building tale. [;)

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Reply #6 on: December 07, 2009, 03:54:40 PM
I finally managed to Read This properly today, and I gotta say it's an awesome story!  A nice insight into the OL world.
 
One thing I didn't get though was this part:
Quote
  From that point on we moved along far faster than before but the irony struck me that moment... wear, tear, and rust... like that machete. The sudden realization made me burst out laughing for a moment. If I wasn't so distracted I am betting Hanse was smiling right then. Clever fool...

how is that a waste?, and how does it Relate ironically to the Machete?
 

While we're at it, the ending is a bit confusing "balance has been restored" is a major point. That's nice, but I have no clue what it means. Maybe Hanse is less cocky now? That's the best I got.
 
I think balance in this case was there Events convincing the Professor to Recommend that the closed borders policy be changed, with the epilogue showing that the 'heroes' unaware of their important place in history.  Presumably these events might have lead up to the OL2 industrialised would of Isasha 100 years later!
 
Also balance in the irony in that Hanse and Kiba believe that the professor has moved on, while In actual fact at the same (?) moment the professor is drafting the account we had just Read.
 
I don't think that's what he believes though. He seems to be writing this more for himself than for anyone else. If he was writing it for other people, he would probably go far more in detail analyzing the two characters he meets.

@Lopez
Actually I would disagree, if he were writing it for others, It would be a Formalised account, written in Passive Voice, and with a focus on the environment and surrounds rather than analysing his travelling Companions, as an academic and explorer (rather than a writer) he would know the need for objectivity and merely Observe rather than analyse when writing a report.

So in the end, yes, he is writing a personal account,to help him understand and such his actions, but not for the reasons you stated.

@ Donnie
Which actually bring me to my next point you begin and end the account as if you are writing  for an audience.... ie a published article, but the middle reads as a personal recount of the events, which kinda clashes in my mind. But in the end gets the job done, showing how the events might change the course of history and all that.


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